It’s been a while since the last time I answered one of those bankers/orphans/lawyers in Africa who regularly write me, trying to give me money. I kinda gave up on them, because none of the fuckers has yet sent me any kind of payoff, even after I’ve given them all my personal details. But I could use a little extra cheddah to tide me over ’til the next payday, and $25 million would just about do it. So, I decided to answer this e-mail I got yesterday. First, that e-mail, then my reply:
FROM MR NYEJIOWANAKA GOGO
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER.
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU , BURKINA FASO .
I am Nyejiowanaka Gogo; I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance Department of BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. I would like you to indicate your interest to receive the transfer of US$25M (Twenty five million US Dollars only). I will like you to stand as a next of kin to my late customer, (Mr. andreas schranner from munich ,germany) who died along with His entire family in July 2000 in a plane crash, whose account is presently dormant, for claims.
Here is the Web Page regarding the Accident that leads to his Death
If you agree to my business proposal, further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your return mail
Consider these and get back to me as soon as possible with your data’s.
1. Your full name:
2. Your contact cell phone number:
3. Your age:
4. Your sex:
5. Your occupations:
6. Your country and city:
Finally, confidentiality and the necessary secrecy it deserves I expect your urgent response to this request.
Mr Nyejiowanaka Gogo
00226 70 83 28 96
Hey dude, how they hangin there in Ouagadougou? Say, it was cool to get your text about the $25 mil. That’s a good number. I like all those fuckin’ zeros attached to the money, and I definitely think we can do some bidness together.
But it seems like we ought to get to know each other a little better if we’re gonna be swimming in that kinda cash together. Like, do you have a nickname? Because “Nyejiowanaka” is a fuckin’ mouthful of a name. I mean, I know dudes from other countries don’t always have nice simple names like we got here in the good ol’ US of A, but really dude. How can we do bidness if I can’t even pronounce your motherfuckin’ name?
I got a cousin named Rufus, which is a name that always cracks me up, and your name cracks me up, too, but at least Rufus has only got two syllables. Yours has got, like, too many to count. Actually, I don’t even know how to count them because I’d have to be able to pronounce it to do that, y’know? I guess I could just call you Gogo. Lol.
Oh fuck! It just dawned on me that maybe Nyejiowanaka IS your nickname! Tell me that ain’t true bro! lol.
So anyways, I’m guessing that the reason you picked me for your $25M offer is because you’re a stout metalhead, amirite? I bet you read NO CLEAN SINGING all the time. Fuck yeah. So, dude, what kind of metal are you into?
No wait, don’t tell me. Lemme guess: with a brutal name like Nyejiowanaka, which would probably cause me to swallow my tongue if I tried to pronounce it, I bet you’re into some Devourment, amirite? Yeah, I bet I’m fucken right. Some fuckin brutal death slam. Not some kinda pussy shit like Metallica. I mean, is that turd they did with Lou Reed some bullshit or what? Fuckin stinks like what came outta my ass this morning. Amirite? Man, if someone gave me a choice between listening to that whole thing and killing myself, I’d fuckin’ kill myself.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the $25 million. Like, that would so totally help me pick myself up. You may have heard that the economy here in the good ol’ US of A sucks big hairy scrotum right now, and that money would really hit the spot for me, especially cuz I’ve been feeling pretty low since I found out that Dismember broke up. Man, after 25 years, they’re gone! I feel like a part of me died. I think it was the part down near where I have to scratch when I don’t wipe good after a man-sized bowel movement.
So yeah, the money would be suhweeet! Here’s my data’s, like you asked for:
1. Your full name: I.S. Lander
2. Your contact cell phone number: 666-666-666. The country code is 69.
3. Your age: The age when a virile man achieves the peak of sexual potency.
4. Your sex: I’ll take it any way I can get it, but I like the kind that leaves blood on the floor.
5. Your occupations: Part-time metal blogger; full-time nitwit and loris-breeder.
6. Your country and city: WTF? You don’t even know where I am? The motherfuckin’ Emerald City in the good ol’ US of A!
So there — you got what you need, now get me what I need, with no fuckin’ around, okay dude? Don’t be like all the other motherfuckers from your continent that just dry up like an old dog turd and blow away when it comes time for the cash payoff.
One last question: Am I gonna have to pretend to be a relative of that andreas schranner dude, the one from Munich who went up in a motherfuckin’ fireball when that plane crashed? I mean, not that I mind doing that if I haz to for $25M, but I can’t speak, read, or write a word of German, other than the word putz. That’s German, right? Do you think I can get by with that?
OK man, let’s get pumpin’. SEND ME THE FLOW! I don’t trust fuckin US banks to flush after they crap, so I’d much prefer to have the $25M sent to me in a padlocked crate than transferred to some bank here. They’d probably charge a $25M fee just to receive it. lol. Take that into consideration, OK?
Cool rappin’ wit you dude. I’m out now. Places to go, people to see, heads to bang.
Brutal regards from Your New Best Friend,