Dec 052011

Believe it or not, I try hard each day to concoct something interesting to post on this site. I try to avoid posting completely lame-ass bullshit (hereafter, “C-LAB”). Some days, avoiding C-LAB is difficult. I run out of time, or I party too hard and too late, and I do something that basically just feels like I’m showing my ass. And then some days, I feel like I’ve written something really good.

But how do I really know whether I’ve done a C-LAB post or instead something better than that, i.e.,  something that’s mainly lame-ass bullshit (“M-LAB”) but not C-LAB? Well, one way to find out is to check Google Analytics. Google Analytics is a service that gives web sites a shitload of data about their traffic. It’s mainly used by people who are trying to make money off their sites. Since we don’t advertise, and therefore don’t make shit off what we do here, I only use it to satisfy my curiosity about whether we’re dishing up C-LAB or M-LAB.

I don’t check our Google Analytics account that often, but since we’re nearing the end of the year, I thought I’d explore the data more deeply than usual. What I found really boggled my already boggled mind. I found that the third most popular post we’ve ever done since starting NCS is THIS ONE about Elize Ryd, the vocalist for a band called Amaranthe, which I posted in January 2010.

There’s no question about it — that post was solidly C-LAB material. The only actual news in the post was that Elize Ryd (pictured at the top of this post) had been selected to fill the female guest singer spot on KAMELOT‘s then-upcoming European tour in April/May 2010. I didn’t give a rat’s ass about either band. I still don’t. I posted the news piece as a goof — principally as an excuse to put Elize Ryd’s photo on our site. Because she is fucken hot.

So, how the fuck can it be that this solid piece of C-LAB has garnered the third highest number of page hits over the life of this site, out of everything we’ve ever done?

At first, I thought it was simply because of the photo. I thought that maybe when people did image searches on Google, the picture on our site would come up high on the list, and that would account for all the page hits. Nope.  If you search for “Eliz Ryd” and look at the image hits, we’re nowhere to be seen.

But if you just search for “Eliz Ryd” in Google, guess what? My stupid fucking post is the third thing you’ll see on the Google search results.

Think how that must make Elize Ryd feel. I’m guessing that she googles herself fairly often, just to see who’s saying what about her. And month after month, for nearly two years, she’s been seeing something called NO CLEAN SINGING high up on the search results based on an article that basically made fun of her band and that Kamelot band she was going to tour with. She must hate our fucking guts.

Or maybe she’s just as fucking mystified as I am. Our post about her is the third most popular post we’ve ever done, and we’re the third most popular search result for her. It’s like some kind of sick, twisted symbiosis.

And speaking of mystified, think about all the poor, deluded Elize Ryd fans who google her name and then stupidly click on a link to a post about her on a site called . . . NO CLEAN SINGING! Which contains a sarcastic piece about a news item that’s now almost two years old.

This gets worse. The popularity of that post isn’t the result of some big flood of page hits all at once, arriving soon after the post appeared. No, the hits just keep on comin’. That motherfucking post was the third most popular one on this site over the last 30 days, measured by page views.

I really do not get this. And of course, the situation is going to be perpetuated by today’s post, since it will send at least some of you back to the original post, thereby increasing its page views.

Maybe I should just not give a fuck whether what I do is C-LAB or M-LAB. Maybe I should just relax and learn to love Amaranthe. They have a 2011 debut album out, It includes this song, which, by the way, has almost 1.5 million YouTube hits:

It also includes this song:

What have I done to deserve this? It’s goddamned humbling, I’ll say that much. You try hard, you do some things you think are good, and what gets the attention? The C-Lab gets the attention.

  30 Responses to “HUMBLED”

  1. Lindsey Lohan takes inspiration from Evanescence; resulting aural turd causes the Ragnorak of Shitte. UN calls for bilateral ban on Amaranthe weapons of turdy destruction.

    Baby Metal was so much better than this.

  2. C-LAB/ M-LAB sounds like a tr000 gangsta rapper, YO!

    I wonder what the two most popular topics are. I bet Phro’s “Box o’ poops” are the #1, #2!

  3. Yeah, your dataset is incomplete unless you include the two most popular hits…#3 is the bottom of the curve, obviously. Maybe it’s an outlier. Or maybe people just really enjoy your sarcastic mockery. I know I do.

  4. The day Islander realized C-LAB posts drive traffic. Congrats, you’re a big-boy blogger now!


    • Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

      I am so curious about the most popular post in the history of Metal Sucks, or even the third most popular one.

  5. No wonder it’s still the third most popular, that has to be some of the most progressive, envelope pushing technical death metal I’ve ever heard! We should feature this on the site way more often! She deserves all the attention!


  6. I am Grinder and what the fuck am I looking at here? Makes me glad I stay with Hammerfall/Blind Guardian Power Metal and Grindcore/Death Metal.

  7. What was the least popular?

    And was it one of mine?

    I’m a glass half empty and made of angry bees kind of guy.

    • I can’t figure out which complete post one was the least popular, because the google report mixes together everything in the database, including search queries, image files, jump pages. To make sure it’s reporting on an actual post, I’d have to open thousands of links at the bottom of the report list. Even I have better things to do than that.

      Here’s a hint about most popular: it’s one of yours, dammit. I will be sending you your pink slip later today.

  8. Who cares if that chick is hot (she’s overrated to say the least), her singing and band suck major ass.

  9. I still find that TNOTB gets a marginal amount of traffic off of some lame post I did about former Attack Attack! singer Austin Carlile getting kicked out of his second band Of Mice And Men, mostly because we’re apparently the number one Google search result for “austin carlile wife”. Whee.

  10. interestingly enough just today I was looking at google analytics and I must say they’ve made some pretty cool improvements (since last time I checked perhaps six months ago).

  11. You need to google “Elize Ryd sexy” and switch to images! That’s how your site gets to the top!

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