Feb 162012

Can you guess that I’m still feeling bitchy?  Those posts about Whitney and Quorthon and the mis-constructed festival line-ups didn’t succeed in exorcising the bitterness I feel, so I just decided, fuckitall — I’m gonna wallow in it for the rest of the day!

I guess there’s a common thread to those first two posts and this one. To quote a comment from our own Andy Synn, about the Whitney/Quorthon meme (surely, he wasn’t talking about moi):

“It epitomises one of the inherent contradictions present in a lot of metal-fandom: look how much better our musical heroes are, they’re REAL artists, you should be praising them . . .except don’t, because we don’t need YOUR approval” . . . So, what is the point? Lots of self-righteous huffing and puffing that only serves little purpose except self-aggrandisement of one’s own “superior” elite music tastes.”

I plead guilty on almost all counts. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that my musical tastes ARE superior, that my dead heroes ARE better than their dead heroes (and death does not make them equal), that extreme metal doesn’t need or care about the approval of the unwashed and tasteless masses, that the Golden Rod award nominations ARE (with very few exceptions) a WTF laughing stock of a joke, and that I DO feel better by huffing and puffing than by seething in silence.

As I said in answering Andy’s comment, this isn’t about being consistent or interesting or insightful, it’s about VENTING!!

After the jump, there is the complete, unedited, unexpurgated list of the nominees for this year’s edition of the Revolver Golden Rods award. Read it and feel superior. Oh, and I also have a new video after the jump from one of the nominees for Best International Band.

2012 Golden Gods Nominees

Best Guitarist, presented by Epiphone®

• Jinxx and Jake Pitts (Black Veil Brides)
• Zoltan Bathory and Jason Hook (Five Finger Death Punch)
• Willie Adler and Mark Morton (Lamb of God)
• Robb Flynn and Phil Demmel (Machine Head)
• Dave Mustaine and Chris Broderick (Megadeth)
• Matt Heafy and Corey Beaulieu (Trivium)

Best Drummer, presented by Drum Workshop®

• Charlie Benante (Anthrax)
• Jeremy Spencer (Five Finger Death Punch)
• Taylor Hawkins (Foo Fighters)
• Chris Adler (Lamb of God)
• Brann Dailor (Mastodon)
• Tomas Haake (Meshuggah)

Best Vocalist, presented by Rockstar Energy Drink®

• Sebastian Bach
• Andy Biersack (Black Veil Brides)
• James Durbin
• Amy Lee (Evanescence)
• Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch)
• Jonathan Davis (Korn)

Album of the Year, presented by Marshall Amplification®

• Anthrax, Worship Music
• Evanescence, Evanescence
• Five Finger Death Punch, American Capitalist
• Foo Fighters, Wasting Light
• Korn, The Path of Totality
• Lamb of God, Resolution

Best Live Band, presented by Samson/Zoom®

• Avenged Sevenfold
• Foo Fighters
• Guns N’ Roses
• Judas Priest
• Seether
• Tool

Most Metal Athlete

• Gina Carano (MMA fighting)
• Brian Deegan (pro motocross)
• Evan Longoria (MLB baseball)
• Dirk Nowitzki (NBA basketball)
• Mitch Petrus (NFL football)
• CM Punk (WWE wrestling)

Comeback of the Year, presented by Eagle Rock Entertainment®

• Anthrax
• Dream Theater
• Evanescence
• Ministry
• Slipknot
• Van Halen

Riff Lord

• Scott Ian (Anthrax)
• Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society)
• Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters)
• Munky (Korn)
• Slash
• Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen)

Paul Gray Best Bassist, presented by Dean Markley®

• Frank Bello (Anthrax)
• Michael Anthony (Chickenfoot)
• Fieldy (Korn)
• David Ellefson (Megadeth)
• Nikki Sixx (Sixx:A.M.)
• Wolfgang Van Halen (Van Halen)

Best International Band, presented by Musicians Institute®

• Behemoth
• Lacuna Coil
• Rammstein
• Sepultura
• Meshuggah
• X Japan

Most Dedicated Fans

• Asking Alexandria
• Avenged Sevenfold
• Black Veil Brides
• Evanescence
• Falling in Reverse

Now, here’s Rammstein’s new video for “Mein Land”. It gets kinda not-safe-for-worky by the end. I don’t know for sure why I’m including this here. Maybe because it made me smile for a moment, and smiling is usually a good antidote for bitterness. And then I gagged a little in my mouth, remembering that this band is being nominated for Best International Band. Mentioning them in the same list with Behemoth and Meshuggah is just . . . WRONG!

Rammstein – Mein Land from Rammstein on Vimeo.


  1. has ministry’s comeback even happened yet?

    • Good point. They’re scheduled to play at Wacken in August, but other than that, I don’t know.

    • The new album has been out for promo for a few weeks but just like Van Halen, both of these events are this year…not last year. I don’t get it.

      • Ah, there’s the answer: The event is simply advertisement for these products. They might as well just have a “New Item from an old band you should buy” category.
        …then again with categories like “Best Vocalist, presented by Rockstar Energy Drink®” I suppose it’s already at that point.

      • Along the same lines: Meshuggah’s nominations. Their new album isn’t out yet and the last one is four years old.

    • To counter that you’;ll notice Dream Theater is in that mix. As far as I know losing a drummer and continuing to release an dalbum on a two year cycle does not a comeback make. I think they were just stretching for anything remotely resembling a comeback, time be damned.

  2. Ignorance is bliss…and you just ruined my bliss!


  3. Well, shit this list would make me want to check out Anthrax, so it’s a good thing I already know Anthrax sux. I’ve always had the same problem with all of these ‘awards’ nominations: The organizers are familiar with a grand total of six bands, which makes it pretty easy to hand out ‘awards’. Please don’t make me hold a Revolver to my head!

    • “The organizers are familiar with a grand total of six bands”. Proof: Korn or its members are nominated for Best Vocalist, Riff Lord, Best Bassist, and Album of the Year. Seems like Black Veil Brides and Five Finger Death Punch account for about half of the rest of the nominations.

      • Maybe there’s an explanation…. Like….Five Finger D…blah,blah,blah…get a shorter name that’s not impossible to type on a phone…whatever. those guys. Maybe they give magical blow jobs. Isn’t that the currency of the music industry. That’s certainly how I pick my favorite albums.

        • Unfortunately for me, my wife is a fan of Five Finger Death Punch, Avenged Sevenfold and Lamb of God, so I guess this means I will be watching this craptacular fucking abortion of a “metal” awards show.

          • Any chance you could score a bottle of Ambien and swallow all of it at once right before the show starts?

            • Not likely, because then I get the “you’re being an elitist again” speech. But because I love my wife, I take the good with the bad. I could be watching the Twilight movies instead. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

          • Kill her. It’s perhaps the only sensible option.

            We’ll all provide you with a collective, and unassailable, alibi.

          • Andy’s right. That’s just the kind of loyal friends we are. Greater love hath no one than this, that he will alibi a bro in a wife killing so the bro don’t have to watch the Golden Gobs awards.

  4. Can we have Pancake awards this year? I’ll sponsor!

    Best Video to Jerk Off to While Silently Weeping Presented by Phro’s Lube Supplies

    I have about $5.

  5. This “list” from this “award show” makes me want to projectile vomit and have explosive diarrhea at the same fucking time.

    This day has sucked ass and will continue to do so with this shitty ass news.

    Fuck you Revolver, fuck you very much.

  6. I’m a big fan of Rammstein. Always have been, always will be.

    In fact that “International Band” award is probably the only vaguely decent one out of the whole shit-pot.

  7. That’s a relief. Here, I was worried they were going to go and make things respectable.

    That said… Rammstein is still great. They make the best videos out there, bar none.

  8. What is this bullshit that I am seeing?!

  9. Seriously, much respect for Rammstein. But what was the song about?

    It seems like it’s an anti-immigration song, but I could be wrong. (Based on the lyrical translation I found.)

    I understand that Germany is in a very different situation than the U.S. (where I come from), but as I’m (basically) an immigrant now (though not in Germany), it’s kind of unsettling. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding something?

    • Your icon is disturbing to me. I get the feeling that soon you will be danicing around in silk robe listening to bad music in a basement with wig on. Then telling chubby girls to “rub the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again”.

  10. Wait, what…. GNR is up for best live band?

    Do they even play enough dates to qualify?

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