(I just want to apologize in advance for the fact that Phro chose to use the privilege of having the following piece posted at NCS to write in graphic detail about fucking your mom. Because I know he would never say things like this about my mom.)
Ugg. It’s that time of year again. The sun is staying up longer, the temperatures are getting higher, the high school students who smoke dog turds and put bags of flaming pot on my porch have more free time, and, apparently, metalheads will soon be venturing out of their caves to do horrible things with their penises and vaginas in large groups. I suppose it’ll be like Woodstock, but without all the hippies with their long hair and drugs. Oh. Wait. Nevermind.
So, like a good Phro should (according to his mommy…hi, mom!), I’ve found some tours and the bands playing them and analyzed their names. I’m kinda like Tom Hanks in that one movie about Jesus having sex with the Pope crossed with Phillip Seymour Hoffman in that movie where he huffs gas fumes. Now, before we go on, I just have to say that huffing gas fumes is a horrible, horrible idea when smoking pot. There are just some things that you shouldn’t multi-task. One drug at a time, kids.
Also, I got really drunk and fucked your mom last night. Happy Mother’s Day! (I told her it was a present from you. Kinda like this.)
To the tours!
First, apparently there’s a Shockwave Tour. What a stupid fucking name. How about calling it the Brown Note Tour and handing out bullhorns for the audience to fart into?
Fear Factory – What I call my ass when I get morning-after-binge-drinking-until-I-black-out-and-puke shits.
Voivod – The name of the pit in my stomach into which nothing will go without getting vomited back out.
Cattle Decapitation – What I’d rather happen to me than wake up to this hangover again.
Misery Index – What my throat ranks highest on this morning.
Revocation – What should probably happen to my buying-booze-and-fucking-your-mom-in-the-ass-license.
Havok – What I wanted to wreak on the world last night, but what is now being wreaked on my bleeding anus.
Dirge Within – The music made when my perforated stomach lining let’s gas out the wrong hole.
Last Chance to Reason – What that last shot of Jack never gave me.
Vildhjarta – What I think I was screaming at the male hooker trying to steal my wallet with a cattle prod.
Forged in Flame – The name of the dildo I found shoved in my ass with Frodo and Sam’s faces carved into it after the male hooker successfully cattled-prodded me into submission.
The Browning – The kind of shit I took on your mom’s chest when she flashed her lop-sided boobs at me.
What’s next? Summer Slaughter? Really? REALLY??? Why not just call it “seasonal clichés?”
Cannibal Corpse – What your mother kisses like.
Between The Buried And Me – Where I now wish I had put my dick instead of fucking your mom.
Job For A Cowboy – What fucking your mom is.
Periphery – Where I think I’ll find my dignity after fucking your mom.
The Faceless – What everyone around me became after that 6th shot of Jack in 30 minutes.
Veil of Maya – What I regret wearing while puking inside of.
Goatwhore – What I’d rather fuck than fucking your mom a seventh time.
Exhumed – The kind of squirrel that your mom’s vagoo smelled like when I went down on her.
Cerebral Bore – What I want to use on myself so I can make my head stop feeling like there’s a flock of seagulls shitting on everything inside of it.
Okay, well, that was unpleasant. Shit. What’s the…goddamnit. Slaughter Survivors? More like “the marketing department got downsized, so we’re letting the day care center come up with names” Survivor.
Pathology – The kind of expert I need to cure whatever your mom gave me last night when you were at your friend’s house playing Uno.
Enfold Darkness – When I black out and start rubbing my dick on beardos to see if I can get enough friction to make my dick spontaneously burst into flame.
Fallujah – The only place less safe than putting my dick in your mom’s vagoo.
Fit For An Autopsy – Your mom’s vagoo and the squirrel she’s hiding up there. (That little fucker bit my dick last night!)
Aegaeon – What it’s like being on when trying to breathe when your mom shoves her vagoo in my face.
Oh, good, one tour left. Almost done. I’m sure they saved the best for…Oh, for fuck’s sake, just call yourself the Port-o-potty Tour and get it over with!
THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS
All Shall Perish – What can be said of the sperm I explosively ejaculated into your mom stink hole like a dirty nuclear warhead exploding in Russia.
Carnifex – Who I should call to have this fucking headache dealt with.
Fleshgod Apocalypse – What my dick feels like after fucking your mom.
The Contortionist – What it was like trying to get my dick back out of your mom’s Hoover-vagoo.
Conducting From the Grave – What it felt like I was doing after puking so hard I had to go to the emergency room to have my intestines put back into place.
Awaiting The Apocalypse – What I’m doing now that I realize I’m your long lost brother.
This is wrong on so many levels… But yet, still so right.
Thank you! I appreciate your disgust and hope to cultivate more it some day.
How do you feel about donkey rides?
I love them. Maybe leave in a small section about the missing clay?
Disgusting, just wrong and somehow I like what I read!!! Yeah need to check my head. Btw @Islander showed my wife Marduk’s latest video and ohh boy that went well
I listened to the new Marduk album straight through yesterday, and it’s stupendously vicious. Killer album. And you are a courageous dude — there’s no way my wife would trust me enough to watch that video, even if I told her it would be soul music. And even if I could trick her into watching it, she would pay me back in some way I don’t even want to contemplate.
Dude I’m still paying for that!!! I mean she watched the whole thing without a blinking and by the end of the video and now I’m still paying for that stunt :/. Awesome that you got to listen to the new record!!!! I can’t wait to be released.
Hmmmm…If you’re willing to wait for the sun to go down, I know some great places to get your “head” checked.
And if you don’t have insurance, it’s probably cheaper than going to the doctor anyway.
Uhhhhhh…as long as you’re not picky…
Nahh not Picky at all!!!!
Sweet! We’ll have your head prodded, probed, examined and sucked in no time then!
I think they accept payment in cash and crack.
If you don’t mind one asking, what does “Vonlughlio” mean, or what is it a reference to?
I’m filled with self-loathing because I laughed, even when you talked about ejaculating explosively into the stink holes of other people’s moms like a dirty nuclear warhead and about the ass dildo with the faces of beloved Hobbits carved into its head. What can I do to rid myself of this feeling of self-disgust?
You have two choices. One is gimme money. All five of your cents.
Option two: get naked, cannonball into the local children’s pool and scream Micheal Jackson songs as loudly as you can.
I guess you could try a brillo pad on your dangly bits too….
Or battery acid enema?
Um, if those are the only choices, I’m leaning toward the battery acid enema, because I’ve been constipated lately. But aren’t there any more choices?
Uhhh…I guess you could go have sex for money…….
…and then give you all his money?
Shhhhhhhh…I’m hoping to turn this into a never ending circle of Islander-pimping.
It’s my money and you can’t have it!
The reference to Uno is what got me.
I hope some band gets offended and comes to my apartment and to beat me up.
No worries. I’m sending a ninja loris cadre to protect you. In compensation, they may demand limited access to your sphincter. What they do hurts at first, but after that it’s kind of pleasurable. I advise you not to object.
Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tell small, furry mammals that my anus is not a portal to another fucking dimension???
Every time … 😐
I should get a fucking sign made!
What kind of sign would you make then?
If you hang a board over your butt, they might just think it’s another weird human fashion thing.
If you get it tattooed near or across your butt, they’re gonna think it’s a tramp stamp.
Also, most importantly, most of them probably can’t read.
You should have kind of un-summoning circle there which produces an actual portal to another dimension.
Of course, if all they want is cross-species buttsecks… You get fucked.
Who said anything about sex? They just want to dig for grubs.
So, they find their nutrition independent of you? Then, why do they
ever listen to you?…
Because I tell them how to find people like Phro.
By the way, what’s your street address?
No grubs up in here, no siree.
I sold them all to the penguins in exchange for some of their blood.
The lorises won’t believe that. Everyone knows that penguins will only trade their blood for donkey rides.
You are a master Phro! What a world it would be if all tour bills were written like this.
Probably tour would be much more poorly attended….but I’m glad you enjoyed it!