Nov 302012

(Yes, Japan’s Baby Metal are back with something new, and as the sun follows the night that means our Japan-based correspondent Phro is back, too.)

So, Islander said he’d take away my food supply if I didn’t get this written up and sent to him before nightfall. As such, you have only him to blame if you find the writing subpar. Well, okay, more subpar than usual. Whatever. I need my horsey cock.

Baby Metal, the semi-official house band of No! Clean Singing!, has released a new song, titled “Ijime, Dame, Zettai.” (Roughly translated by a group of feces-tossing, anus-slurping, toe-jam-eating howler monkeys as: “Bullying, Don’t, Definitely.” We slapped them around a little bit, and they came up with this slightly less steamy pile of rancid eggplant puree: “Just Say No to Bullying!” The howler monkeys have been fired.)

Now, if you think that’s a strange change of focus for a band that thus far has mostly sung about…something, well, you’re not entirely wrong. However, there is a method to this madness. (Ummm…a dim glimmer of a reflection of a method.)

Japan, as you may or may not know, has a bullying problem. I think every country does, but Japan has recently been making a big deal about it. It may or may not be related to the incident where one kid was bullied badly enough to commit suicide…and then the police tried to cover it up by saying there was no conclusive proof that he was bullied despite pretty much every classmate testifying that they’d seen a group of other boys beating him, berating him, and forcing him to “practice commiting suicide.” Which lead to his parents suing for damages–something that almost never happens in Japan. (There was some other shitty stuff that happened, but it’s depressing, so let’s move on.)

Look, I’m sure it happens in every country (just look at the suicide rate of gay teens in the US, for a horrible beginning). And someone finally realized that saying “just suck it up, people can only hurt you if you let them” is the equivalent of telling someone having a heart attack to walk it off. So they…had a TV concert about it? To be honest, I’m not sure, I stop paying attention whenever TV is used to try to solve…anything.

Anyway, apparently Baby Metal was invited to perform “Ijime, Dame, Zettai” on NHK (like PBS in the states, but slightly better funding). (At like 11 pm? Who the hell is watching 12-year-old girls in short skirts perform at 11 pm at…ohhhhhhhhhhh, nevermind.)

So, that’s why the title and lyrics of the song are so much different from their usual fare about exciting mornings (heh) and foxes (kitsune da yo). I’m sure I got a few details wrong, but I’m working from memory and this is my lunch break.

The song is a surprising straight-forward rocker/traditional-metal song. It’s long (about 6 minutes), but I need you all to do me a favor and at least watch the guitar solo. I swear for a second there it looks like the two little girls (that phrase will never not sound horrible and pervy) are actually playing the guitar (raise your hand if you thought I was going to say bone flute). I honestly am too stupid to be able to tell, so someone who’s not a blathering moron should watch it and let us know. (I realize no one is actually “playing” an instrument in most music videos, but I thought they almost looked like they knew what they were doing. Like I said, I’m a moron.)

Also, doesn’t the guy with the awesome beard kind of look like a stretched out, addicted-to-heroin Gimli????

Phro Metal


  29 Responses to “BABY METAL!”

  1. They sound like the nursery school version of Arch Enemy.

    Oh and yeah, that bearded guy is totally Gimli.

  2. 陰謀だ!
    *ahem* With that out of the way, One shall say that this song is indeed more straight-forward metal than their previous ones, and somewhat more pleasant to listen to; and that the girls are not playing the guitars along to the solo in the video.
    One still doesn’t understand the purpose of the bearded guy in the video though…

    • As I have repeatedly watched the particular parts showing the hand and finger movements of Moametal and Yuimetal, I consistently perceive their hands moving in such a way that is consistent to the sounds of each individual guitar. Admittedly so, I don’t think they edited for the error occuring at 4m21s; during which, Moa travels the down the guitar’s neck (towards the head) from the center, while the notes are climbing. That seems to be the ONLY PART that is NOT consistent with the notes being heard in either solo.

      Unfortunately, I know that you can easily say I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I will leave you with these facts: I have been playing guitar since I was 11. I was able to do what those girls appear to be doing by the time I was their age (14 at the time of the video – ps.. they both just had their bdays of 15 yrs). Lastly, I am now 31 years old, and have taught a number of youth and adults how to shred over those years. If you are still reading, I thank you for at least hearing me out.

  3. I find this video depressing, as it doesn’t seem like the light-hearted invitation to pedophilia that the other videos are. Also, are we sure this video is about bullying, instead of the importance of taking care of your Gibson Flying V (or knock-off thereof)?

  4. I want it to be true that the members of Baby Metal can shred, or will learn how. I’m also waiting for the body mods, the piercings, the neck tattoos, and the instagrams of them throwing up their Jager and Red Bull in public. But not holding my breath for any of that.

  5. How do I explain watching this at work…

  6. I happen to like these guys unironically. The songs I’ve heard are solid and catchy (although consistently a little overlong) and the arrangements are obviously a lot more stimulating to a metalhead than the usual synth pop shtick. I also enjoy the awkward and unapologetic collision of metal and J-Pop visual sensibilities in their videos.

    The music reminds me of that totally badass metal remix of 2EN1’s “Fire” that Invisible Oranges posted last year:

    Granted, the songwriting on the 2EN1 track is far superior to anything I’ve heard from Babymetal and Pat Lukens’ arrangement is insanely creative and cool, but either way it’s nice to see metal infecting other genres.

  7. They sound like a try-hard Aphasia. Or one of the countless anime metal bands that Japan loves.

    I guess what I want to say is listen to Sabbat:

  8. First song I ever heard was Headbanger and that was strange enough to get me interested, then I heard this song.
    When I was looking for a place to buy the songs online that is not itunes, I read that one of the girls does actually play guitar so yeah while she may be putting on a show for the vid, she does actually know what she’s doing.

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