Feb 082013

This little story originally reported on gawker has been making the rounds on the internetz this morning, and it’s just too good not to share.

According to a notice posted on the employee bulletin board at Seton Hall University’s heavy metal radio station WSOU, uttering any band names or playing any songs with the words “devil,” “Satan,” “God,” “Jesus,” or “any other Catholic references that are portrayed in a negative light” will result in suspension.

But to take any guesswork out of which band names aren’t appropriate for the airwaves at “Seton Hall’s Pirate Radio,” the management drafted a list of the 53 dirtiest band names that you can never say on the radio, a la George Carlin’s iconic monologue about TV.

The list includes such metal radio staples as Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, Anal Cunt, Morbid Angel, and Deicide, but also a bunch of just-fun-to-say-out-loud outfits such as Adolf Satan, Baby Jesus Hitler, Crucifucks, Jesus Chrysler, Smother Theresa, and, of course, Hell-O.

Completely understandable and appropriate. Seton Hall is, after all, a private Roman Catholic university (located in New Jersey), the Archbishop of Newark is the president of its Board of Trustees, and lord knows that the Catholic Church has never tolerated filth, depravity, or degradation . . . except among minor church functionaries known as “priests”, but that doesn’t count.

I’m sure the metal lovers at Seton Hall will survive this effort to censor their radio station, so it’s not like this is worth taking to the streets in protest. I mean, really, who gives a fuck?

I’m enjoying this story much more for the band names on the list. If you click on the image at the top of the post, you’ll see a bigger version of it so you can better make out such excellent names as Ballsac, Barbed Wire Condom (I guess they’re on the list because the name relates to birth control?), Deep Fried Abortion, the Jackofficers (what’s satanic about beating off? I always assumed that was a staple of celibate life), Mighty Sphincter, Rhino Clit, and my personal favorite . . . Wall of Smegma.

The list is obviously incomplete — woefully incomplete, in fact. Where is Nunfuckritual? Where is Analdiktion? Where is Blasphemy? Where are the bands featured on the No Clean Singing FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE TOUR — Massive Wall of Penis, Thor’s Uterus, Trollcock Fetish, Raging Hectocotylus, Putrid Fugue, Dildo Resin, and Cephalopodic Sperm Packets? Where is Semen Howitzer?

I actually have my doubts that this really represents an edict from the powers that be at Seton Hall, as opposed to a bit of student humor, but whatever it is, the list is a good start — one that can be improved upon. Your suggestions in the Comments are welcome.






  1. Does the phrase “Cradle of Filth” have some innate religious connotation that I’m missing? I mean, Jesus didn’t even have a cradle–he just had a manger. Although it was probably filthy.

    And banning Jesus Chrysler is just un-American. Where’s the support for the evangelical American auto industry? The Chrysler Crossofourholylordfire is a testament to American ingenuity and engineering.

  2. “Shit Scum”? Is that religious? I mean to people other than Phro?

  3. “Abuses of the Clergy” is an awesome name for a band.

  4. Seeing as Heaven Shall Burn is on the list, perhaps now is appropriate to ask how you got on with Asunder Islander?

    Can’t believe they missed Cemetary Rapist, dang!

  5. I’m Catholic, and I find this list hilarious! Also, how in the world is Burn the Priest not on here?

    • How that one missed the list is a real head-scratcher. Burn the Priest is right down the middle of the plate. I can only say that God works in mysterious ways.

  6. Does a rhino even have a clit?

  7. I think Seth Putnam wins the prize for most bands on this list:

    Adolf Satan
    Anal Cunt
    Full Blown AIDS

    although how they missed such gems as: Satan’s Warriors and Upsidedown Cross is beyond me.

  8. Pre-school Tea Party Massacre. LOL!

  9. Pre-school Tea Party Massacre. LOL!

  10. Nice to see rapper Killah Priest get a mention. The part at the bottom makes me think it is an inside joke, as well.

  11. Hell-O and The Jerkofficers. Genius.

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