Knowing my interest in unsolicited offers of wealth from exotic foreign lands, my NCS comrade TheMadIsraeli shared with me an e-mail he received yesterday from Dr. Sani Ahmed, Director, Telex/Foreign Operation, of the Central Bank of Nigeria. I took it upon myself to answer the message and have sent the following response:
Heh dude, how they hangin’? You messaged my bro TheMadIsraeli yesterday about a pile of cash you’re offering to get to him. Because he’s my bro, he’s turned all that shit over to me so we can use it to keep our metal blog going. It’s a fuckin’ great blog, you should read it sometime. Seriously, it will change your life. And after reading your e-mail, you definitely need some kinda fuckin’ life change. No offense.
Anyway, I put my answers in what you wrote, and they’re in yellow so’s you can tell when I’m rappin’ at you instead of you rappin’ at me.
Sometimes, I do wonder if you really understand what is going on with your payment. How Could you keep trusting people and at the end you will loose your hard Earned money, or are you being deceive by their big names? The Impersonate on many offices, claiming to be Governor,Director/Chairman of one Office or the other. Their game plan is only just to extort your hard Earned money. Now, the question is how long you will continue to be Deceived? Sometimes, they will issue you fake check, introduce you to fake Diplomatic delivery, un-existing on-line banking and they will also fake wire transfer of Your fund with Payment Stop Order etc.
Shit, Sani, I have no fuckin’ idea what you’re talking about, but I’m with you: Fuck all those assholes. Fuck ’em til they sneeze cum. No one gets away with trying to deceive me with big names or extort my hard Earned money. I’d like to find that Impersonate dude, rip his slimy head off, and drop a steaming stream of diarrhea down his neck stump.
Anyway, by the virtue of my position I have been following this Transaction from inception and all your efforts towards realizing the Fund. More often than not, I sit down and laugh at your ignorance and That of those who claim they are assisting you, it is very unfortunate That at the end you loose. Although, I don’t blame you because you are Not here in Nigeria to witness the processing of your payment in Nigeria.
Hold on now brah, you’re sitting there and laughing at my ignorance? Fuck you. I’m not ignorant. At least I know how to spell “lose”, you fuckin’ loser. If you’ve been following this Transaction “from inception” and witnessing all the bullshit that’s happening, why the fuck didn’t you write sooner instead of laffin’ it up. I repeat: Fuck you.
The problem you are having is that you been told the whole truth About this transaction and it is because of this truth they decided to Be extorting your money. The most annoying part is even fraudsters Have really taken advantage of this opportunity to enrich them selves At your expense. Those you feel are assisting or working for you are Your main problems. I know the truth surrounding this payment and I am The only person who will deliver you from this long suffering if you will abide by my advice.
Shit dude, don’t they teach English in Nigeria? That was one of The most fucked Up paragraphs I’ve read in Months, and I’ve read a lot Of fucked up paragraphs, mainly the ones I write For our glorious metal blog, so I know what I’m be talking About.
But anyway, I’m just gonna ignore that you can’t write an English sentence to save your miserable life and get right to the meat of what I think you’re trying to say: Fraudsters are taking advantage of MY opportunity to enrich THEM SELVES at my expense? That will not stand, dude. No way. Y’know, I honestly can’t say I’ve been long suffering, since I still have no fuckin’ clue what you’re going on about, but if you want to deliver me from the long suffering I haven’t been experiencing, I won’t say No.
Finally, you will receive your payment through a scrutinized Programmed ATM CARD or bank to bank any of your choice Anywhere in the world but you have to keep this communication Very, very confidential for my own safety and for the security of your Funds. Please I beseech you to stop pursuit shadows and being Deceived.
Brah, you’re making my head hurt with these weird sentences, and my head already hurts like a motherfucker cuz I pounded the shit out of some whiskey last night and it’s payback time this morning, you feel me bitch? Anyways, yeah, I’m down for a pre-funded ATM card, and don’t worry, I’m keeping this communication super-top-secret-confidential. No one will see your gibberish e-mail or my erudite response, so no need to do any beseeching. (“stop pursuit shadows”? wtf?)
Feel free to contact me immediately you receive this mail so that I can Explain to you the modus-operandi guiding the release of your Payment. Do not panic, be rest assured that this arrangement will be Guided by your Embassy here in Nigeria, with the assistant of the Nigerian Police Force and Economic and Financial Crime Commission.
Dude, I don’t panic. Panic is not a word in my personal dictionary. I am ice cool all the fuckin’ time. I roll with everything, so I’m already resting assured cuz I’m in rest mode pretty much all day every day, you dig?
So listen, NO CLEAN SINGING ain’t got no embassy in Nigeria, so there ain’t no embassy to be guiding me, and I sure as fuck don’t want any goddamned police anywhere near this thing, whatever this thing is. So don’t give ’em my name or I’ll have to hunt you down like a boar hog in the forest and put a spear up your ass. Let’s just keep this Transaction between you and me. Cool?
N/B: You are urgently requested to forward your International Passport Copy, your direct contact information or Driver’s License, the name of your bank and bank information For submission to the Nigerian Police Force for issuance of Police clearance report which is the hindrance for your non retrieval of your fund and will be signed and Endorse by your Embassy here in Nigeria.
Allow me to repeat, for emphasis and clarification: Keep. The. Goddamned. Po-Lice. Outta. This. Thing.
Here’s my info for you to use to get my fuckin’ money away from all those douchebag fraudsters and deceivers and that Impersonate motherfucker:
International Passport Copy: it’s on its way — Republic of R’lyeh Passport No. 000000666
Direct contact information: Islander, Glorious Leader, NO CLEAN SINGING, The Metallic Island Where I Live, Washington, USA.
Driver’s License: suspended in 2003
Name of my bank: working on getting my accounts un-frozen by creditors, will get back to you on this one
Contact me upon the receipt of this mail if you wish to receive your fund and stop wasting your hard earn money.
Yeah man, I do wish to receive my motherfuckin’ fund, with no more jackin’ off over there in Nigeria. So get on it and get me that shit pronto. By the way, how much is in my fund?
Thanks and remain blessed.
Dr Sani Ahmed
Director Telex/Foreign Operation (CBN)
My god blesses no one and feeds on human suffering. Just sayin’.
Part-time Metal Blogger and Full-Time Halfwit
Glorious Leader and Loris Herder
NO CLEAN SINGING
Dude, Pursuit Shadows is the best Nigerian fraudcore band out there. Don’t you know anything?
My bad. I’m pretty ignorant about the fraudcore genre. I guess I ought to check out Impersonate, Un-Existing, and This Long Suffering, too.
Not fair. Why do you guys get all the fun stuff? I’m only receiving those annoying three-line digestions of verbal excrement from Mrs. Assad. No nice pointers to metal bands and genres previously unheard of :S.
I guess we’re just lucky. 🙂
Oh, so this is okay but when I respond to the spam in the comments Im the asshole 😉
Okay, ya got me. I take it all back. Please feel free to reply to any and all spam comments — assuming you can do it before I delete them.
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