Hope springs eternal!
It’s been ages since I’ve been the recipient of a philanthropic e-mail offer from Africa, promising stupefying sums of cash, bags of gold dust, bars of bullion, and other forms of riches, in return for just a bit of personal information. No matter how many times I responded in good faith, none of those motherfuckers ever made good. And then they just stopped e-mailing me altogether.
I had pretty much given up, and stopped thinking about all the things I would do with the money, like paying Fleshgod Apocalypse to come live on my island and play for me whenever I want; construct the Grolsch beer fountain; re-open the wormhole vortex; hire personal groomers for the loris horde; and start paying money to get some decent writers for the site.
And then… and then I got an e-mail a couple days ago from a gentleman in London with a very enticing proposition. And I wrote him back, in-line with his message to me, as follows (I’m soooo excited!):
My name is David Morgan a branch manager of a prime bank in London. I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we never met before. I Hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families. I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ₤38,000,000.00 (₤38, million GBP ) to your bank account.
Hey dude, no shit — I’m really surprised that someone I’ve never met would want to repose on me ₤38,000,000.00. But don’t worry — I will definitely not betray your trust and confident. This will stay strictly between you and me. No one else will ever, ever see it. Fuckin’ top secret, all the way.
The fund has been dormant (in-active) for 14 years in our Financial Institution here in London without any body coming for it. I want to release the fund to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer (the owner of the account) who died along with his supposed next of kin in air crash since 31st July 2000. The Bank will release the fund to you as the nearest person to the deceased customer. For more information about the crash you can visit this site: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
Man, that was a brutal airplane crash! I checked out that article — no wonder those fuckin’ Concordes aren’t flying any more. But hey, looks like someone’s loss is my gain, right? I mean, shit happens, and you just got to roll with it and try not to get any of it in your ears. So I’m ready to roll!
I’m just a little confused about one tiny thing though. Just between you an me, from one metal brother to another, I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I had any kin who went down in a fuckin’ fireball straight into some French hotel. I mean, sure, it was 14 years ago, but my memory ain’t that fucked up.
And I’ll tell you what, if I had some crispy-fried relative who left behind ₤38,000,000.00, I sure as fuck wouldn’t have left it sitting in-active in your goddamned Financial Institution for 14 years! You sure you got the right dude?
I thus propose to do business with you, standing in as the next of kin of these funds from the deceased and after due legal processes have been followed the fund will be released to your account without delay and we will use it for investment and to assist the less privileged in the Society because if we leave the fund with the government it will be fortified for nothing and will be used to suppress the poor masses in the society. This transaction is totally free of risk and the fund is clean money from genuine source.
Oh, okay, I get you. I’m just supposed to be STANDING IN as next of kin. Man, that’s a relief. I thought somebody I was really super-close to had died and I forgot to send a sympathy card for 14 years! That would have been embarrassing as fuck, huh?
Anyways, I’m totally with you that if we just leave all that fuckin’ money sitting there, the government will just fortify the bejesus out of it until there’s nothing left for all the poor masses like you and me. I’m all about assisting the less privileged in Society — I gave this dude a cigarette only yesterday and only took 50 cents for it instead of a buck. Cool that this is totally risk-free. I totally believe you.
Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send you more details regarding this transaction. Finally, you will have 50% of the above mentioned amount and 50% for me hence it’s two person’s business.
Hey, chill out, I already said I’d keep this totally secret! No one else will see me and you writing about this.
But this 50/50 thing, that ain’t gonna work for me. Way I see it, I’m the next of kin (STANDING IN), and since this is a totally and completely risk-free gig, I don’t get why you think I’d be willing to give you half of my money, me being the closest person to your crispy fried deceased customer. 5% for you seems fair. 50% seems like washing your dick for you.
I need to hear from you urgently so that I will send you more information regarding this transaction. I look forward to hear from you as soon as possible if you are interest.
I am interest.
Send your bank account details and personal information as stated below to enable me start processing of the payment on your name as sole inheritor to the fund; it doesn’t matter whether there is money in your bank account or not because an empty existing bank account can still serve for the purpose.
Cool. I’ve filled out your fuckin’ form right here, all except the bullshit about the bank. I got a little problem, what with over-drawing my account a few too many times and getting my account fortified out of existence by my fuckin’ bank. Douchebags. Just PayPal the 38 mil to me, okay?
Account holder’s name………………
Your telephone number, home, office and mobile…….
(dude, do you really think I’ve got 3 different numbers? LOL)
A copy of your identification document such as international passport or driver license……
You know what they do when you apply for a passport? They fuckin’ scan your eyeballs and fingerprint you. That ain’t happening. And my DL got suspended for refusing to take the breathalyzer after clipping that old lady in the crosswalk. I’ve got a Starbucks gift card I found on the sidewalk — a copy of that would work for you wouldn’t it?
I will swing into action and start the process of payment as soon as I receive the information as listed above and I shall keep you posted accordingly.
Man, no offense, but I’m getting a little queasy thinking about you swinging into action. This is strictly a business proposition — I don’t need to know about your action, you feel me? Just blast my PayPal with the 38mil ASAP, no fucking around! I’ll get your 5% back to you in a flash, just as soon as you fill out a form I’ll send you.
Regards to you too, bud. And thanks for not holding a grudge because we kicked your limey dicks in the dirt during the Revolutionary War.