Jan 242010

I’m hung over. That could possibly explain my ornery reaction to a few recent pieces of news, courtesy of Blabbermouth. Here’s one:

Ozzy Osbourne is planning on releasing a concert DVD later this year featuring never-before-seen footage of his band — including late guitarist Randy Rhoads — performing in 1981. Ozzy wrote yesterday (Friday, January 22) on his Twitter profile after viewing the Randy-era material, “I’m speechless.”

Man, if that were only true — and if only Ozzy would remain speechless for the rest of his mush-mouthed life. And if there’s any remote chance that watching the DVD would render the rest of his grotesque family speechless, I hope he makes them watch it too.

So, I have to wonder, who would buy this? I’m envisioning wasted 50-something headbangers with beer guts the size of Montana and wandering minds, or teenagers who think it’s cool to be retro. Of course, it’s inevitable that someone will read this who doesn’t fall into either of those categories and will think I’m a complete asshole. Someone won’t mind Ozzy’s attempt to trade on the memory of a dead guy and will want to punch my lights out. To which I would say, get in the fucking line.

But wait! There’s more! (after the jump . . .)

Here’s another piece of breaking news about Ozzy:

Ozzy Osbourne will appear on NBC-TV‘s “Today Show” on Monday, January 25 in support of his long-awaited memoir, “I Am Ozzy”. He’ll drop by the program again on Wednesday (January 27), when his wife/manager Sharon co-hosts the latter part of the show. . . . “I Am Ozzy”, which was originally slated to arrive almost two years ago but was delayed twice, will be released in the U.S. on January 24 via Sphere Publishers (the book was published in the U.K. on October 1, 2009).

Shit. I guess that episode of sublime Ozzy speechlessness won’t be permanent after all.

So, I have to wonder again, who will buy this? It’s one thing for an Ozzy fan to grab a bucket of KFC, pop a few cold ones, and stare blankly at a DVD of performances from 30 years ago. But reading? I think Ozzy’s really pushing his luck with this memoir thing. Maybe the book’s got lots of pictures. And how bout that title? I mean, I wasn’t expecting anything like Being and Nothingness, but “I Am Ozzy”?!?

But wait! There’s more:

Sharon Osbourne published her own best-selling memoir in 2005, called “Extreme: My Autobiography”. A second volume was rushed out in 2008 after Ozzy‘s book was delayed.

Man, somehow I missed the publication of those two volumes. And I gotta ask: Who bought those books? Someone did. As of today, the first volume is #50,322 on the Amazon sales rank in books, and volume two is #82,569. I presume that means each book sold at least one copy. Maybe Ozzy bought one. But I doubt it.

But wait! There’s more!

Ozzy Osbourne has scrapped “Soul Sucka” as the working title of his new solo album. “When we put that on the Internet none of my fan base liked the title,” Osbourne tells RollingStone.com. “They were like, ‘I can’t imagine me walking around the fucking house with the words ‘Soul Sucka’on my T-shirt.’ So I was like, ‘Fuck it. I’ve got to come up with something else!'”

I can’t wait to find out what Ozzy comes up with to replace “Soul Sucka.”

Actually, I’m just being sarcastic. The truth is, I could die a happy man never knowing the name Ozzy picks for his next solo album, or the one after that, or the one after that.

Maybe it’s unfair for me to pre-judge something before I hear it — except I will never hear it. I suspect that for all of us, there are some musicians whose public personas are just so insufferable that you can’t separate the awful impressions they make from the music they create. Ozzy’s pretty close to the top of that list for me. Who’s on your list?

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