The May/June issue of Revolver magazine arrived in our mailbox over the weekend. What we enjoyed the most was not the cover story about the 2010 “Revolver Golden Gods” awards show (which was largely irrelevant to what we care about in the current extreme metal scene). What we enjoyed the most was Revolver’s verbatim report of a conversation that took place at a dive bar in New York City between Adam Dutkiewicz and Mike D’Antonio of Killswitch Engage and frontman Mikael Stanne of Sweden’s Dark Tranquillity.
As you may know, KSE and DT toured together earlier this year. When Dutkiewicz and D’Antonio formed KSE back in 1999, one thing that united them was their love of Swedish melodic death metal, and Dark Tranquillity in particular. As they got to know Stanne better while touring, they discovered they had more in common than elements of their music. Like a mutual attraction to the Travel Channel (?) and (wait for it) . . . eating competitions.
And green shit.
So after this threesome did some Jack Daniels shots at that dive bar, the conversation eventually turned to the subject of eating competitions, and Revolver was there to record what they said. We thought it was pretty fucking funny.
Granted, our standards of humor here at NCS are pretty low. For example, as you’ll see, we laugh at anything that involves shit. Still, we thought you might find the conversation funny, too. After all, if you’re reading this site, your standards are also pretty low, by definition. So, after the jump, we’ll give you the best excerpts of that Dutkiewicz-D’Antonio-Stanne dialogue from Revolver.
D’Antonio: I heard you recently did some crazy egg-eating competition.
Stanne: It was a 12-egg omelet at Beth’s Cafe in Seattle. We’re huge fans of the show Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, so we figured we should always know if there’s an eating challenge in any city we’re in.
Dutkiewicz: You actually tried it?
Stanne: I finished it, and it was huge — full of chili, hash browns, onions, everything.
D’Antonio: Have you done other challenges?
Stanne: In Las Vegas, we did a six-pound burger challenge.
Dutkiewicz: There’s no way you could have finished that one.
Stanne: Not even close. I was worried about it. I thought, This is gonna fuck me up for days.
Dutkiewicz: Did you see the actual episode? The dude was sweating.
Stanne: Yeah. I’ve seen every episode. There’s actually one challenge in New York that I’m really scared of that I might try tonight. It’s an Indian place that has what is supposed to be the hottest curry ever.
Dutkiewicz: I did that!
Stanne: Holy shit! How was it?
Dutkiewicz: It tasted like pain, but I finished it. What was your turd like after 12 eggs? Did you birth a chicken?
Stanne: I felt like I did, for sure. It was rough, but I want to do more challenges.
. . . .
D’Antonio: What country has the worst food?
D’Antonio: I’m with you. I’m a vegetarian, and they just don’t get it in Germany.
Dutkiewicz: I love German food. The schnitzel and sausages.
Stanne: How about England?
Dutkiewicz: England is fantastic because of the [Indian] curries. When I was mixing one of our records in England I was eating two of the hottest curries I could find a day. By the end, I thought I had to go to the hospital because my ring was so hot, my stomach was bloated, and my shit smelled delicious. It smelled like a curry house, like fresh cooking. Delicious.
Stanne: You want to hear my feces story? On St. Paddy’s day I had a few green beers and I started shitting green.
Dutkiewicz: Yeah, from the food coloring. I once ate a whole box of Cap’n Crunch’s Oops! All Berries. They did a limited run where they left out the regular cereal and it was only the crunchberries left. And when I turded, it came out green water. I called [Killswitch guitarist] Joel [Stroetzel] over so he could look at it.
D’Antonio: This is the same guy who wanted to eat how many cans of corn?
Dutkiewicz: I wanted to guzzle 10 cans of corn to see if I could turd out a cob. I still have to try that one of these days.
That was both repellent and compelling at the same time. Shame on you!
It did make me think of one thing though, and that’s how US bands always complaina bout the food in England. Food here is good BUT clearly bands don’t exactly have the time or opportunity to get the best. I think it’s best to go with the old adage of “a place must be okay if the natives eat there” but with one proviso – if the natives eating there are young/pissed/idiots it’s probably not the best place! Honestly people, you may not have kebab houses in the US, but trust me, they are as unto a biblical plague and should be avoided at all cost!
Oh, don’t get me started! I can only imagine the number of European bands that we here in the U.S. have poisoned with food that we natives eat (and it goes well beyond the places where the “young/pissed/idiots” eat). I’m sure the same is true of places where “the natives eat” in the UK. More proof that metal is a young person’s game — because given enough time, they’ll all die in short order of intestinal disease. Get it while you can!
I’m glad I wasn’t drinking while reading this, because I would have sprayed my monitor. That’s some funny shit (no pun intended).
I’m trying to teach myself to shit a perfectly round, smooth, cylindrical turd. I think I need to work on my diet a bit to find the right combination of foods.
I think the right diet is what goats eat, because, as this photo shows, goat turds are (almost) round, smooth, and cylindrical: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/109/293533455_fcc28a1dab.jpg
You might be able to grow horns that way too, which would definitely be metal.