Oct 122010

About a month ago, we mused about how much a good band name has to do with a band’s success. We considered some ass-kicking bands with ass-kicking names, some ass-kicking bands that have succeeded despite piss-poor names, and some bands whose names are just perplexing — and that led to one of the most interesting comment sessions we’ve ever had at this site.  (The whole post is here.)

Yesterday, we saw the latest line-up of confirmed bands for the 2011 edition of the Maryland Deathfest, and that got us thinking about band names again. Actually, to be brutally honest, it got us laughing like hyenas circling a fresh carcass.

Not that we intend to make fun of the Maryland Deathfest — far from it. That festival is the closest thing in scope to the big European festivals that the U.S. has to offer, and if it weren’t so damned far away from Seattle, we’d be there next May in a heartbeat.

But the line-up of bands includes some names of bands we’ve never heard before that deliciously embody the general middle-finger-giving, batshit-craziness of metal that we love so much. And so, after the jump, we’ll review the current line-up with you, focusing on some of those fucktastic names, and we’ll include a song or two from the band whose name we like the best.

The festival organizers describe the purpose of the Maryland Deathfest in these words: “To bring to the United States the best and most extreme bands the underground has to offer. Never conforming to trends, or being limited by genre restrictions, Maryland Deathfest is a showcase of what extreme music, both new and old, is capable of. With an emphasis on diversity, the festival brings together the very best death metal, grindcore, black metal, thrash, experimental and hardcore bands from all around the world.”

Who could deny that? Not us. Next year’s line-up includes some well-known older names as well as some hard-charging newer bands, all of which we’d love to see live:  Corrosion of Conformity, Defeated Sanity, Devourment, Hail of Bullets, Impaled Nazarene, Kylesa, Mammoth Grinder, Marduk, and (especially) Neurosis.

The line-up also includes a bunch of bands whose music we’ve never heard, but whose demented names we like. Here’s a selection of those names, along with our make-believe definitions:

ACID WITCH: What your girlfriend becomes when she sees a photo of another chick on your phone.

BAD ACID TRIP: What your parents were on when you were conceived.

BLOOD FREAK: What we wish the Twilight movies had been called. 

CREATIVE WASTE (Saudi Arabia): What Atreyu would have been if they’d been creative. (Alternate Andy Synn definition: The two-word review for All That Remains‘ newest album.)

CRETIN: What we here at NCS aspire to be.

CRIPPLE BASTARDS (Italy): What we need to do to all bastards.

FLESH PARADE: The subtitle we’d like to see on ads for the Miss Universe contest.

 GOATSNAKE: What you call your band if you’re trying to appeal to goats who prefer snakes over whores.

INNUMERABLE FORMS: How many forms of godawful “popular” music generate more money for the performers and their labels than metal.

THE KILL (Australia): The kind of name you pick late at night when you’re too fucked up and too tired to continue trying to think up a good band name, and too retarded to realize what you’ve done in the sobering light of day.

MALIGNANT TUMOUR (Czech Republic): What Axl Rose would have in his spleen if god really did exist.

NOISEAR: The band name selected as a marginal improvement on “NoseHair”.

NOKTURNEL: How Juggalos would spell the word for creatures that are active at night, if they knew that such a word existed.

REGURGITATE (Sweden): The band name we’d most like to see at the top of a tour flyer, co-headlining with Miley Cyrus.

SHITSTORM: The best underground metal band name on the Maryand Deathfest lineup.

I guess we already gave away the secret about which of these band names we like the best. So yeah, we’re gonna listen to some Shitstorm to finish off this post. And after the link for the songs we picked, you can see the whole smoking, bloody, rancid, awesome line-up for next year’s Maryland Deathfest as it currently exists.  (P.S. We apologize to the bands whose names we made fun of, because for all we know, your music is better than anything that humankind has yet created.)

At 1:29, “No Freedom” is one of Shitstorm’s longest-ever songs. It’s off their split with Magrudergrind:

Shitstorm: No Freedom

“Getting Heated” is more the usual length of a Shitstorm song. It’s 18 seconds long:

Shitstorm: Getting Heated

Guess it goes without saying, but if the evil spirits move you, feel free to throw in some definitions of your own in the comments, whether for the band names we selected or others on the line-up card. Here’s the full list of bands:


For more information, visit www.marylanddeathfest.com.

AURA NOIR (Norway)
HAIL OF BULLETS (Netherlands)
THE KILL (Australia)
MARDUK (Sweden)
MIASMAL (Sweden)
WORMED (Spain)

[UPDATE: Our comments today are spiraling out of control, but they did put us in mind of this awesome video of Metallica performing “The Thing That Should Not Be” in our very own Emerald City back in 1989 (from the Live Shit DVD). Fucking metal.]

  58 Responses to “WHAT’S IN A NAME (Part 2)?”

  1. Just some ideas that sprung to mind:

    Exhumed: What your mom will be when I dig her up after fucking her to death so I can have one more go.
    Blood Freak: What I am, when your mom’s on her period.
    Flesh Parade: When I fuck your mom on top of a car slowly going down Main Street.
    Last Days of Humanity: What will come about if anyone ever releases your mom’s hair vagoo.
    Wormed: What your mom’s vagoo looks like.
    Repugnant: What your mom’s vagoo smells like.
    Regurgitate: What I told your mom not to do after swallowing.
    Shitstorm: What came out of your mom’s ass after I fucked her in it.
    Nails: What your mom used to scratch my back with when I was fucking her in the ass right before the Shitstorm.
    Dropdead: What your mom told me she wished you’d do while I was fucking her.
    Goatsnake: The name of the double headed didlo I used to fuck your mom and your dad at the same time.
    Hatred Surge: The happy ending when I hate fuck your mom and cum on her face.
    Hooded Menace: The uncircumcised cock I stole to mouth fuck your mom.
    Dead Congregation: What was left after your mom queefed.

    Okay, I’m done for now.

    • Uh, I’m so glad you’re done for now. I should not be laughing at this. But I am. So I’m going to seek psychiatric treatment. Right after I convince my mom to go into hiding. For the rest of her life. I’m afraid you have scared away any other commentators.

  2. I should point out that ProgPower also is the closet we have here to some of the Euro festivals, but then again, I’m fan of that kind of stuff too. Next year’s installment even includes the return of Arcturus and will be the only North American date for Therion. Seriously, what’s with this one date only shit? Here’s an idea, don’t bring a huge ass production along with you and you can afford to actually play over here, where 99% of bands have to tour instead of playing in one spot (or a few different ones). Europe and America can’t be played the same way.


    I just looked at Phro’s list, and now I’m a bit worried. He’s a fan of your favorite fucking word. And vagoo, which sounds like a name of a band that should be part of this lineup.

    “Hello, all you motherfuckers!!! We are… VAGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    But there be something wrong with that boy.

    • er, closet should read closest.

      But no need to correct anything about the heebie-jeebies Phro’s list spawned.

    • I think you be right in your diagnosis of Phro. He seemed like such a well-mannered lad. Who knew what was lurking underneath the surface? I’m so glad he was talking about your mom instead of mine.

      I now have to try and forget the word “vagoo”.

      • That’s hitting below the belt.


        • Please stop saying that.

          • http://leasticoulddo.com/comic/20080524

            I promise that this link will in no way bring you to a comic with abundant use of “vagoo”.

            My previous statement may be a lie.

            • Please stop saying that word.

              • The fist thought that came to mind when I read Vagoo was a kind of fucked up spaghtetti sauce that smells like stinky pussy.

                But what the hell do I know.

                • Someone make him stop.

                • Which brings to mind another qoute form another awesome movie, From Dust till Dawn.

                  Chet Pussy: All right, pussy, pussy, pussy! Come on in pussy lovers! Here at the Titty Twister we’re slashing pussy in half! Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! All right, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, we got hot pussy, cold pussy, we got wet pussy, we got
                  Chet Pussy: smelly pussy, we got hairy pussy, bloody pussy, we got snappin’ pussy, we got silk pussy, velvet pussy, Naugahyde pussy, we even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy! Come on, you want pussy, come on in, pussy lovers! If we don’t got it, you don’t want it! Come on in, pussy lovers!

                  • I blame Phro for this. My beautiful, precious NCS is spiraling down into the sewer, and me without an inner tube.

                    • By the cube, you should have expected something to happen when you said, “Guess it goes without saying, but if the evil spirits move you, feel free to throw in some definitions of your own in the comments”.

                    • C’mon man. You had to know that one day we were going to drag you to our level below the sweer.

                    • OK, to be brutally honest, I kinda thought something like today’s run of comments might result from this post. It’s been a hell of a day here aty NCS, and the day isn’t even over yet.

                • Oddly enough, I had the same thought at work today.

                  Then again, I did hit my head pretty hard last week. I got into a fight with a steel beam above a ceiling and lost. The rematch didn’t go any better for me.

                  • Those steel beams are some tough sons of bitches…. I wouldn’t want to meet one in a dark alley. Unless I had my forge handy.

                    • I didn’t. Just my forehead. Fortunately, I was on a catwalk when I smacked into it. Both times. Had I done so after I stepped off the catwalk to replace lights, there’s a good chance I would’ve stumbled backwards onto the ceiling itself and fallen through. I don’t know how far a fall it would have been, but it’s not one I could easily get up from, if at all.

            • Actually, I’ve been reading it. I like it. And from where that linked dropped me off, I’ve only counted a few uses of the word of the day.

      • Oh, don’t worry, I’m all talk and no…umm…play?

        And I didn’t come up with vagoo, unfortunately, it’s from a webcomic: Least I Could Do. The main character uses it instead of vagina. I like it, because it’s not vulgar like cunt or pussy, but it’s also no sterile like vagina.

        Who doesn’t like the word fuck? It’s nice and round! And slightly moist. Or something.

    • Speaking of ProgPower, I just saw that the reunited Sanctuary will be playing at that festival next year, in addition to appearing on the 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise — and as of this morning will be doing a one-off show in Seattle on Jan 21. Were you ever into that band?

  3. Hmmm…as a lady i appreciate phro’s attempt at decency with the word that will not be named. However i find it amusing that given the plethera of indecency going on restraint was excercised at all. Not to mention i spewed coffee all over my notes before an exam about cnidarians and poriferans while reading this…my classmates where thoroughly confused about what could be so fucking funny about the intricate details involing the digestive system of siphonophores.

    This is also especially awkward for me because i never want to read vagoo commentary written by Islander again.

    • Uh oh, you said the word that will not be named!

      Hey, that might make for a decent song title. “That Which Shall Not Be Named” (or something like that), which will be ten times awesomer than “The Thing That Shall Not Be”.

      • BLASPHEMY!

        Off to the Justin Beiber concert with you.

        • Um, what’s blasphemy?

          I wasn’t talking about that which shall not be named as a song title; “That Which Shall Not Be Named”, however…

          Unless you refer to something being awesomer than “The Thing That Shall Not Be” (or ten times, as the case may be), in which case, I may have to plead no contest, but I’d hardly think that offense is worth a Biebering.

          • “Unless you refer to something being awesomer than “The Thing That Shall Not Be”

            That would be what I am referring too.

            And maybe being sentenced to a Beibering is a bit harsh for the first offense. How about Steel Panther?

            • I can tolerate them in small doses, but the songs I’ve heard get old after a few listens.

              Perhaps I overestimate a bit, but I think ti’s possible. Then again, if a band like Adema can cover it and not butcher it (although I like early Adema anyway), maybe there’s something special (and not special like the cereal) that makes it nearly untouchable on its own merits.

              Of course, there are probably horrible renditions by bands who deserve every treatment Islander’s mentioned in that book he has. The version of Kerrang’s tribute album left me feeling underwhelmed, so I’m sure there’s worse.

            • Hey, you two, look back at the bottom of the post now, right before the comments begin, for a little Update.

      • @ElvisShotJFK: Fair warning: I’m investigating a way to source those vicious black ants from the Sonoran desert and I’ve got an eBay lead on green cowhide. (and if that makes no sense to anyone else, see the comments on Monday’s “AUTOPSY” post.)

  4. And on a completely different topic, Alexis’s use of plethora brought into mind one of my favorite quotes from the totall fucking awesome movie, Los Tres Amigos.

    Jefe: I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom, each of them filled with little suprises.
    El Guapo: Many pinatas?
    Jefe: Oh yes, many!
    El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?
    Jefe: A what?
    El Guapo: A *plethora*.
    Jefe: Oh yes, you have a plethora.
    El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
    Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
    El Guapo: Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.
    Jefe: Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?

  5. In non euphemism related news…

    I noticed that the MFD has both Nocturnal and Nokturnel on the bill. That could lead to some interesting backstage conversations or confrontations.

    They also apparently stopped looking for bands after signing Shitstorm, their one and only S band. Up to that point, there are no J’s and no Q’s, although neither are letters that seems very common to start a band name with. Of course, there is Wormed (whose name incidentally begins with a W), but maybe there’s some metal equivalent of affirmative action or something that requires a festival lineup to have a certain amount of bands from certain parts of the alphabet.

    • Don’t be so fast — surely, there will be more additions to the MDF lineup. It’s only October. Plenty of time for the Js and Qs. Here are a few candidates:


      • I didn’t want to touch the first one, but the second link was intriguing, yet scary. I though I might be walking into something juggaloes might have created. After learning that the band’s name is Jig-Ai, I was a little more relieved, since Jigaigore would make for a very bizarre name.

        • If the juggaloes created something like that, they might well rip the space/time continuum and bring existance crashing down upon us.

          The Horror!

          Actually, that would be pretty fucking funny.

  6. Plethera is indeed one of my favorite words, I have to throw it in there when i can. The movie reference is priceless.

  7. I would probably listen to a black metal band called Jumbalaya, and any band name beginning with Quantum would be brutal.

    • How about Quantum Jumbalaya?

      • I can’t believe you didn’t offer up Quantum Vagoo…..

        • Hmmm…

          Actually, it hadn’t crossed my mind. I was merely aiming to use of of Alexis’ ideas at once. Come to think of of, Quantum Jumbalaya probably isn’t a name suited for death metal. It might fit better with progressive metal, perhaps one of the more technically minded ones. I’m not sure QV would work for death metal anyway. Or Quantum anything, for that matter.

  8. It’s been a long day…. remember when I talked about the siphonophore exam? My brain just wasn’t clever enough…dammit, because quantum jumbalaya is a sweet name and I wish I had thought of it first. As for quantum vagoo…..honestly that makes me think of a preschooler’s word for what little Suzie has that he doesn’t (minus the quantum part, that’s a little advanced). Jambalaya is way more metal.

  9. Note: I said black metal, not death metal, HUGE difference. (I think i just want to imagine a black metal band of dudes in goth paint having a jumbalaya cookoff potluck, because i think it’s funny). Besides, Jumbalaya is fun to say.

    • Note: my head still hurts. I have a headache that’s on the border of going from nuisance to migraine. My brain cells aren’t all working at the same time. But it turns out we’ve both speeling it wrong (you did nail it once, though). Jambalaya.

      It may not roll off the tongue as easily as some words that can be found in band names, but it’s still probably easier than say, juxtaposition. Quantum Jambalaya might certain fit a black metal bands more, especially of the symphonic variety. It doesn’t seem to fit the grim, troo black metal bands. And just because you didn’t immediately connect the two words, you still deserve all the credit for nudging me in the direction to do so. If you’ve read my comments here at NCS since I’ve started dropping in, sometimes I don’t need much to get off on a tangent.

  10. You’ve all inspired me!!!

    Quantum Vagoo: Where baby quarks are born.
    Tangent City: The gay club where I met your dad.
    Jambalaya: The metalest douche of all.
    Plethora: How many sex toys I lost in your mom’s vagoo.
    Orange Goblin: A carrot.

    • Tangent City might not be a bad name for a band, depending on style.

      And considering the nosedive certain comments have taken, QV actually makes for a great name for a tech-metal band that features songs with a scientific slant.

  11. Someone please make him stop.

    • It’s okay, I think I’m done. 🙂

      Thanks for letting me play! Hahaha!

      Would now be a bad time to ask for a guest column? (Don’t worry, I’m just kidding.)

      • Fire away bro. You’ve outdone yourself today. As long as you don’t say anything more about Elvis’s mom, your guest contributions would be welcome. You know how to find me.

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