We don’t surf the internet much. It’s not like we’re morally opposed to the practice. Just not enough fucking time. About the only time we do it is when we go on the hunt for news items for THAT’S METAL!, and even then we usually stick to news sites. But for today’s post we made an exception, and did some actual web-surfing.
It was a reminder of how much shit there is out there, and the cosmically wide variety of weird interests people have. (And no, extreme metal is not a weird interest. It’s good, wholesome fun.) You should see some of the whacked-out, asylum-quality crap we skipped over in looking for THAT’s METAL! material. Actually, you shouldn’t, at least not on our time.
So, here we go. Three items that made us say “That’s Metal!”, even though it wasn’t music.
Our first item is a video involving a little minx called Baroness Mischa. It’s possible that Baroness Mischa isn’t really a baroness. But she can swallow three-foot long swords. She also contributes percussion and vocals, under the name “Hemlock Hex”, for an Australian “mechano-erotic” industrial band called Psych Carni. She swallows swords for them, too.
She’s also a contortionist. Who contorts herself while swallowing swords. Yes, we do believe this is fucking metal. (more after the jump . . .)
Maybe it’s possible for people to fake sword-swallowing, but not Mischa/Hex. She’s the real deal. Guess it’s obvious, but sword-swallowing is difficult and it’s dangerous, and long-term practice of the skill can lead to throat pain (called “sword throat”!), lower chest pain, internal bleeding, esophageal perforations, pleurisy, and pericarditis. In other words, it’s fucking metal! (You can read all about sword-swallowing here.) Check out Baroness Mischa doing her thang:
That’s an eye-catching video, but we think it would have been even better with a death-metal soundtrack, something like this (but really, doesn’t everything go better with death metal?):
We think it’s evident that Mischa/Hex marches to the beat of her own drummer — one that’s bat-shit crazy. In our web-surfing, we found another woman who’s marching to a different beat. By comparison, it seems like a more timid drummer, but in light of the very different cultural setting, it may be a statement that’s just as in-your-face. What counts as protest is very contextual.
Congratulations, you may now kiss yourself
TAIPEI (Reuters) – Chen Wei-yih has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends.
But there is no groom. Chen will marry herself.
Uh, what the fuck? Well, you don’t see that every day. Sure, we all know people who love themselves more than anyone else. Or at least we read about such people. They’re called congressmen. And Senators. And movie stars. And Axl Rose. And Dave Mustaine. But as far as we know, they haven’t yet married themselves. But is Ms. Chen Wei-yih’s decision to marry herself a display of self-love, or is there another explanation?
Uninspired by the men she’s met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old Taipei office worker will hold the reception next month in honor of just one person.
“Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do?” Chen said.
“It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition.”
Okay, so this doesn’t seem like self-love. Instead, it seems to be a form of rebellion. “You expect me to be married because I’m a 30-year old woman, and there’s something wrong with me if I’m still single? Well, why don’t you just go fuck yourself with a rusty hacksaw!”
Taiwanese women are marrying later and less often as their economic status advances, fuelling government concerns about a drop in the birth rate and its impact on productivity.
Hell of a government they’ve got there in Taiwan. What the fuck business is it of theirs when women get married? And do you think they see anything when they look at a woman other than a baby factory on legs?
“I was just hoping that more people would love themselves,” said Chen, who will go on a solo honeymoon to Australia. Chen said her mother had insisted on a groom at first but later jumped aboard the solo marriage plan. But as Chen cannot officially register a marriage to herself, if she finds a man later she will wed again. “If I had a steady boyfriend, I wouldn’t do this,” Chen said. “it would be offensive to him, anyway.”
Imagine that! Her mom insisted on a groom! But kudos to her for wising up and getting on board the solo-marriage train. We suspect Chen will have a rad honeymoon with herself, especally if she loads up her mp3 player with some fucking metal. But, this story would have been more rad if Chen had a boyfriend and decided to marry herself anyway. Yeah, it probably would have offended him, but it would kind of establish the ground rules for a future relationship, wouldn’t it?
Last, we come to this video from a German TV show called “Mega-Clever”. It shows what happens to a van parked behind a jet engine when the engine powers up. It’s just mindless destruction. We can’t explain why we think mindless destruction is metal. It just is. We also can’t explain why we thought this was funny. It just is. Those wacky Germans!
That’s all we have for you today. Thank you for visiting NCS. And (surely you can recite this for yourselves by now), enjoy the rest of your fucking day.