Jun 132011

I love many things. I will not name all of them today, because I don’t want to get too personal. I will just name a few of them, so you will feel like you know me better. That way, we can become closer friends, and perhaps do some internet bonding. If I told you all the things I love, this would take a long time, and we might not be friends after I was finished, because maybe some of the things I love would repulse you. Probably not, but I feel it’s better to stick with the things that you’re likely to love as much as I do.

Like zombies. Everyone loves zombies, right? Or at least, everyone loves the idea of zombies. I don’t know anyone who has actually met a zombie. It’s possible that if I met an actual zombie, I would not love it. I would instead be trying to stop it from eating my brain. I think it would be difficult to love something that was trying to eat my brain. I do like certain intoxicants, and from what I understand, many of them are slowly eating my brain, a few cells at a time. But a zombie would want to eat the whole thing, in a hurry. So, I think you can only love a zombie that you don’t personally know, like love in a very abstract way.

I love death metal, too. I basically love all flavors of death metal. I just wanna hug all of death metal — I know it’s crazy, I can’t hug all of death metal, but I just want to! I have a particular weakness for really ill, old-school, super-downtuned, spinning-chainsaw death metal — the kind that goes well with zombies. Actually, to be precise, the kind played by, for, and about zombies. Everyone likes that kind of music, right? So, confessing this kind of love should make me more popular. And since I have a new video from Puteraeon for you that pretty much epitomizes this kind of music, I’ll be, like, the most popular person in your life!

I love cats, too, and cats love me, so you should, too. Many people like cats. Some people like them with a very intense feeling. I have video evidence of that. Watching this video makes me feel like a more normally balanced person. I think it will make you feel that way, too. I think this is why people sometimes enjoy watching unbalanced people, because it makes you feel more balanced, even when you secretly think you’re as unbalanced as your checkbook. The video also inspired me to write this post.

Did I mention that I love death metal? I love it when it has a blackened crust, because I am loving black metal more all the time, too. I have found a new song by Thromdarr that I love. I think you will love it, too. If you don’t, then you probably aren’t someone I would love, except in a very abstract way. (more sharing and bonding after the jump . . .)


I love Puteraeon’s music. I expressed my love for their music in a review I wrote, which I know you will want to read if you missed it, as unlikely as it may seem that you would fail to read anything I have written. However, even though the chances of you not reading my review of Puteraeon’s latest album are even smaller than the chances of Earth being decimated by an asteroid tomorrow, I am providing the link. Here. Just in case.

One of the songs I love on Puteraeon’s album is called “Experience Zombiefication”. Can you guess why I love it so much? Yes, it’s a song about zombies! To be more precise, it’s about the experience of becoming a zombie. It is also video evidence that Puteraeon are themselves zombies. In fact, Puteraeon’s vocalist is able to continue singing those horrifyingly brutal vocals even after his head has been cut off. You’ll see. You will love it.

Go ahead, admit it. You loved it, just as I did. We are now closer internet friends, are we not? Yes, we are. I feel it.


I believe that brings us to cats. I’m no longer insecure about my love of cats, even though some misguided people don’t think cats are metal. I have written about the metalness of cats before. Many people have read that post; I think many of them are not metalheads. Of course, because I am the author, you will have read that post already, unless you were really, really sick and in an intensive care unit, unconscious and without an internet-enabled computer. That does happen to some people, so I will give you the link to my post about cats, just in case you are one of those people. Here.

I’m not alone in loving cats. This young woman loves them, too. I think she loves them more than I do, hard as that may be to imagine. The very thought of cats seems to unhinge her, emotionally speaking. I’m not showing you this video to make fun of this earnest young woman. I admire her courage, and the fact that she made a video of this very personal sharing of her feelings for cats, and the fact that she was unhinged enough to share this video with someone who obviously shared it with the rest of the world.

This video makes me feel more balanced. It should make you feel that way, too, unless perchance you are more unbalanced than this young woman, in which case you probably should check yourself into one of those intensive care units. Immediately. Well, immediately after you finish reading this post, because I know you will not be missing a single word of it, since I wrote it.


I believe that brings us back to death metal.

I’m sorry . . . give me a minute to compose myself.

I just get emotional thinking about death metal bands — I think about how many of them don’t have a home! And I want them in a basket, with little bow-ties, all my own, and maybe roll around with them!

Now I’m thinking about the blackened kind of melodic death metal. Or maybe it’s the deathened kind of melodic black metal. Either way, I’m thinking about this Finnish metal band whose music I am loving very much. They are called Thromdarr. Because they are from Finland, this is almost a guarantee that they are lovable.

I first became interested in Thromdarr when I was working on a series called Finland Tribute Week. I did not know of Thromdarr back then, but thanks to our readers, I did know of a funeral doom band called Skepticism. Skepticism may have been the original funeral doom band. They are very, very good, but this isn’t about Skepticism; besides, I know you already read what I wrote about Skepticism. But you probably want to re-read it, so HERE is the link.

No, this post is about Thromdarr. However, I found out about Thromdarr because three of the members of Skepticism are also in Thromdarr.

Thromdarr has a new album out on Violent Journey Records, with the epic name of Electric Hellfire. I love that name. I love the album art, too, even though it’s not cuddly, with ears or a cute nose:

Thromdarr has been around for almost 20 years, yet Electric Hellfire is only their second album. This is the title track, which is what lured me into getting the whole album from Amazon. It’s like a black freight train hauling up out of the earth’s depths trailing flames. It chugs and rumbles, speeds up, slows down, scatters sparks, always heavy and unstoppable, until the end when it coasts right through the walls of your head. I love it.

[audio:https://www.nocleansinging.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/01-Electric-Hellfire.mp3|titles=Thromdarr – Electric Hellfire]


Thank you for allowing me to share some of my inner being with you today. You feel closer to me already, I know. Now it’s your turn to share. This is what the Comments are for. So go ahead, do some sharing, especially if you feel like sharing your love for my writing in this post, or in any of my other posts that you have committed to memory because of your love for them. And, as always, enjoy the rest of your fucking day.


  1. This is probably the cutest post ever published on this site. And I am Hello Kitty vibrator connoisseur, so I damn well know my cute. (Though the cats are metal post is a close second.)

    I feel like the girl’s video is somehow a fake. For two reasons: one) no one would intentionally upload such an embarrassing video if it weren’t for (as the kids say) the lulz. Second) it was too well timed! On the other hand, maybe she hasn’t read that tears make a man’s peepee wilt like a rose in a sea of lime green cum.

    Anyway, we need more cute in metal. If only for the lulz!!!

    • The music was good too! I liked the zombie fellows. I refuse to use their band name. Henceforth, by royal decree, they are the zombie fellows.

      • Maybe it’s not too late for Puteraeon to re-brand themselves. I did some quick internet sleuthing, and “the zombie fellows” name still seems to be available, amazing as that may seem. Does it have to be all lowercase?

        • If it were my band, I’d do all lower case, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

          I imagine them all wearing barbershop quartet outfits in zombie make up.

            • YES! YES! A MILLION TIMES YES!!!

              I just had a nerdgasm.

              I need to change my Star Trek underoos. (Don’t worry, they’re TNG, not TOS.)

              • Our work here is done.

                We strive for nerdgasm, in addition to cute. And I’m so glad you felt comfortable enough to share about your underoos. “Sharing” is the NCS word for today. I hope more readers will share information about their underwear.

                • Well, to be honest, they were only metaphorical underoos.

                  My real underoos are much less…interesting.

                  I’m not sure if I should share all the things I love. You might stop seeing me as just the guy who loves octopus porn, cheap bourbon and screamy screamy, growl growl. Not sure I could live with myself if that happened

                  • Um, I don’t think there’s anything you could tell us to make us not think so highly of you.

                    Unless you’re sporting Bieberoos, then all bets are off.

                    • Hahahaha! No bieberoos. But maybe a my little pony breakfast time bib. Don’t wanna get my pink frilly dress dirty eating octopus balls.*

                      *I am, of course, referring to takoyaki.

                    • This may have mentally scarred me for life.

    • I’ve gone back and forth about whether that eHarmony video is a fake. If it is, she’s a damned good actor. On the other hand, it is almost too perfect to be true. On the third hand, I think people like this do exist. They have a hard time finding steady boyfriends.

      And I’m so glad we passed your cuteness test. Cute is what we strive for around here.

      • I would never date a girl who cried at the thought of cats. I mean, I hope (if it’s real) that she finds a good guy for herself, but it would certainly never be me.

        Damn right cute is what you strive for! Cute with a blood lust.

  2. My (non-metalhead) friends constantly marvel the fact that I listen to death metal and will also go into high-pitched transports of delight over an adorable animal. Dogs, mostly, but cats are just as cute.

    Also, what is your opinion on “evil” animals? My username is a reference to one of my favorite ghosts, a giant black dog that haunts England, and I love black cats, etc. Do zombies and cats ever mix for you, as in Pet Cemetery?

    • Yes, I love evil animals, too. Preferably zombie cats who like death metal — 3 kinds of win all wrapped up in a single, lovable bundle.

      Pet Cemetary was great precisely because it involved zombie pets. It’s been a while since I read it, but didn’t the whole nasty thing start with the burial of a cat in the “magic” cemetary? And while on the subject of Stephen King, we have to mention Cujo. The black shuck is a new one for me, but it sounds like it could be related to Cujo.

      • Yeah, that’s how it started. It came back all mean and smelling like rot. Also, speaking of evil cats, that first picture on the other article that you linked to was terrifying. In a good way.

  3. I love cats, too. But that video made me laugh so hard I cried. …give me a moment…
    Well, I also love a woman who can make me laugh, so maybe I’ll call her. After I change my leopard print underoos.

    “On the other hand, maybe she hasn’t read that tears make a man’s peepee wilt like a rose in a sea of lime green cum.”

    That’s some sick imagery, but I don’t get what it means. I’m afraid to ask you to elaborate.

    • I’m going to leave the interpretation fo Phro’s prose to Phro (say that 3 times real fast). And I think you should definitely call what’s-her-name, because you would probably be the first. But be sure you tell her the underoos are imitation leopard. She loves cats, remember.

    • I read, a few months ago or something, that the sight of tears makes men lose their boners.
      I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it seems likely to me. And I find it humorous.

      I also think lime green is an incredibly disgusting color.

  4. Not all zombies want to eat your brains. Although anyone with more than one brain, I’m sure they’d really love to know. I only have one brain, so that’s just a guess. But as for the topic at hand, some zombies actually do have manners and the sense to take their time and savor the gray matter in front of them. They’re not all shuffling slobs, nor is everyone that looks like shit warmed over and is shuffling, hunched over or any combination of the preceding is necessarily a zombie.


    From what I saw, only the vocalist is a zombie – or maybe that’s just a dedicated fan (who looks like the vocalist) singing along with the very non-zombie looking band, at least until the end. I know the zombidence was close to the band, but I guess they got a little too close and took some flesh souvenirs or something during the song, because the band looks like they really need to go to the ER or take a long shower at the end. Did they end up on the set of Carrie somehow during the prom scene?

    Zombie cats… now there’s a combination. I wonder how Debbie feels about zombie cats. Or zombies in general. I wonder if she gets all teary-eyed about zombie cats like she does the non-zombie true rulers of this earth, or like Islander does when he finds out he gets another inheritance from someone he doesn’t know, or Phro when he sees a tentacle, or… sorry, where was I?

    Ah, yes. Zombie cats. Only problem with zombie cats would be the fact that cats have a tendency to change what they’re doing without warning. One second, zombie cat could be pouncing on you, ready to chew through your jugular, then it would turn around to chase its decaying tail, then decide to clean its paws.

    I wonder if catnip has any effect on zombie cats.
    I wonder if it has any effect on Debbie.
    I wonder if Debbie smokes catnip.

    • Okay, okay, best laugh of the day. Among other things, you may be the first person to correctly diagnose Debbie. It’s the catnip smoking! It explains everything! And you just know she would love the zombie cats, because they definitely need extra care and attention, because they’re, y’know, dead.

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