Jul 172011

This is not an entirely hypothetical question. It could happen. Our brothers in blog at Heavy Blog Is Heavy are giving away two tickets to the Vancouver stop of the Hell On Earth Tour on August 3, plus a chance for a meet-and-greet session with tour headliners Rob Zombie and Slayer (Exodus is also on this tour, but to ask them questions, you’ll have to get up stage in the middle of their set and see if you can get their attention).

Those tickets and passes are the grand prize in a contest HBIH is currently running, with the second prize being two more tickets (but no meet-and-greet). To enter, you just have to answer this imminently practical question: If all hell were to break loose and zombies came out of the woodwork, how would you slay them?

I keep answers to questions like this on a little notepad in an emergency kit, which includes such other potentially useful items as a can of catfood, a block of C-4 explosive, two packs of Ding-Dongs, and a used-only-once band-aid. My notepad also includes words of greeting in seven known extraterrestrial languages. In other words, I’m fuckin’ ready for anything.

I know how to kill zombies, too. Kill ’em so they won’t be coming back — ever. Unfortunately, since I’m within the secret, monolithic brotherhood of blogdom with the HBIH people, I’m ineligible to enter this contest. Probably for the best; it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. I also know what to ask Rob Zombie and Slayer, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.

To get more details about the HBIH contest, go here. Contest ends on July 26.


  1. I want to see a Slayer/Rob Zombie concert. It would be great. Sadly I live nowhere near Vancouver as far as I can tell so I guess I’m out of this contest too… coincidentally my birthday is on the 4th so if I were able to attend this would be a great birthday present, but hey, what can ya do?

  2. Surely you simply put on a Rob Zombie mix-tape and the sheer mundanity of his repetitive electro-rock would accelerate their decomposition Last Crusade-style?

  3. The last movie I saw was… I can’t remember. So I’ll just say the last thing I watched (and wanted to watch) on TV that wasn’t the music station was a thing about Vlad the Impaler.

  4. ^ Hilarous!

  5. I don’t know where else to put this so:

    Today, in the middle of my last class, I realized that both of my students (about 13 years old) were looking at each other and laughing. Confused, I glanced under the table and realized that one of them had literally pulled his shorts down to his ankles and was not sitting in his underwear.

    I shit you not, this actually happened.

    I’m still not entirely sure why…but I don’t think my classes are THAT boring.

    • *not sitting in his underwear should be NOW sitting in his underwear.

    • You may be the only NCS reader surprised by this.

    • Well, I’ll bet (or rather, HOPE) that you haven’t changed your clothes in class.

      I shit you not, I swear my AP English teacher changed her slacks while sitting at her desk one day. I wasn’t on anything – I learned my lesson after completely bombing an algebra test during my junior year after getting high during lunch hour. No one really believes me though.

 Leave a Reply

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>



This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.