Sep 022011

Am I overdoing this? I know that some metal bloggers harp so incessantly on a particularly subject that it has an effect that’s the reverse of what’s intended: It drives readers in the opposite direction. I think this is the result of a deep-seated acculturation process that begins in childhood. Your parents yammer at you ceaselessly to stand up straight, chew with your mouth closed, stop snorting, brush your teeth, etc., etc., and so the first chance you get you slump like a knuckle-dragging caveman, show the food in your mouth to everyone while eating, snort and swallow your snot like it’s a five-star dessert, and let your teeth turn into bacterial hives that produce immediate sensations of nausea to anyone within a five-yard radius.

And then on top of that kind of reflexive behavior, you add the natural contrariness of the species metalheadus-erectus, and you get the kind of reactions I’m talking about. As a metal writer, you say something more than once, and readers call “Bullshit!” and go the other way.

But look, let me be up front about this. I am NOT getting royalties from Ola Lindgren for promoting The Lindgren Diet. I am NOT making money preparing pre-packaged meals of Spicy Elmo wraps and blow to fulfill diet-meal orders that are surely rolling in at “Lindgren’s Health Blog 666″. I am speaking from the heart about a fabulous total-health regimen that will change your life.

Okay, to be brutally honest, which is the only kind of honest we know how to be at NCS, I have been trying to convince Ola to let me ghost-write the future bestseller The Lindgren Diet: How To Snort, Drink, and Gorge Your Way To A New You. But that has nothing to do — nothing, I tell you — with this series of posts about the diet. I’m just trying to share with you the phenomenal benefits, which I have yet to personally experience, of this revolutionary body-mind health plan created by the long-time guitarist and frontman of Sweden’s Grave. (more after the jump . . .)

Yes, on top of the first two days of The Lindgren Diet Plan, featured here and here at this extremely healthful metal site, we now have the Day Three Diet Plan from the master himself, Ola Lindgren. And today he reveals one of the key secret ingredients to the phenomenal success of the diet plan — the natural, organic snuff product that’s been the secret of long life in Sweden for generations — snus:


I forgot to mention a very important part of the diet so today i’m introducing Snus!
Snus =

As usual a very slow day especially on the workout front.
Breakfast: Ham & cheese sandwich with mayo and potato chips, 2 Heinekens,
4 cigarettes.

Lunch: Nope..

Dinner: With the gang and lovely Tanja at a corner diner.
A toasted triple decker BLT + ham, turkey, swiss cheese, avocado
2 fantastic local dark microbrewery beers.

Daily exercise: I did some stretching exercises before we went on stage.
Pulled my groin and it felt so good i just had to do it again.

Total cigarettes today: About 32
Total snus intake: About 11 pouches
Total alcohol intake: Not enough to forget, about 13 beers
Total controlled substance intake: About 0,7 grams
As i said not too much goin’ on but tomorrow i’m gonna raise hell at the gym;)

Yes, now that you’re into the Day Three phase of the diet, you’ve got another one of those missing lunches, but you make up for that by getting the chance to pull your groin — not once, but twice. I fucken knew there were health benefits to a good groin pull, and now I’ve got the proof! In fact, I’ve been pullin’ myself as I type this post (all professional metal bloggers are able to type proficiently with one hand). I’m saving the second groin pull for just before bedtime, to promote a deep, restful sleep.

No, I still haven’t started seeing the rapid weight-loss that will turn me into a specimen of god-like perfection that will make members of the opposite sex (or the same sex) slobber like your in-bred uncle, but I know it’s just around the corner. And in the meantime, I’m having the fuckin time of my life on this diet! So what are you waiting for! Get with The Lindgren Diet program and give birth to the new you! (And remember to save the afterbirth, because I’m betting that’s going to show up on the Day Four meal plan.)

P.S. I’ve written Ola to get more precise instructions on the use of the snus tobacco modules. I’ve been using mine suppository-style, and although it does give me that tingly feeling I usually get from a Red Bull and a couple of vodka shots, I’m dubious about how that will help me get the sculpted abs that Ola has. Stay tuned, and I’ll give you the clarification as soon as I get it.


  1. I have new weight-loss tip for you.

    You know how when you poop all that poop just…disappears into a swirling, watery grave?

    Well, you can use that to your advantage. First, you gonna need a shop vac. Not some pussy ass dirt devil, I mean a real, goddamn, fucking-your-mother-when-your-father-is-out-fishing SHOP vac. And don’t get the cheap one. Get the one with warning labels about limb loss and shit.

    Now, you’ll also need a regular ol’ garden hose and about twenty rolls of duct tape. (No, bailing wire won’t work, ya’ fuckin’ hick.) Now, you’re gonna take the hose and tape it to the end of the shop vac hose. MAKE SURE YOU USE ALL TWENTY ROLLS SECURING IT AND THAT THERE IS NO AIR LEAKAGE. This is goddamn imperative, which is why it’s in all caps.

    Finally, shove the hose up your ass, set the shop vac to high, and flip the switch.

    If you colon, lower intestine, prostate, and all the food you ate last night don’t come out all at once, you clearly fucked something up and need to try again.

    • This sounds awesome. With this device, you could eat your whole body weight in really toxic but yummy foodstuffs and then just vacuum all of it out before it converts into a big roll of fat around your waist. I can imagine there might be some discomfort involved, but hey, no pain no gain, right?

      You should patent this and create infomercials about it. You need to work on a name for it.

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