Last year, I vented about Christmas — at length — in a post creatively titled FUCK CHRISTMAS. It seems to be getting a renewed surge of web hits this month, which I suppose proves that the sour taste I have in my mouth this time of year needs to be spit out by other people, too. Except this year I don’t seem to be feeling so bloated with hostility that I need to vent. I’ve been questioning myself, trying to understand what has changed.
ME: So what’s going on with you this year? Are you feeling more charitable, more filled with love for your fellow men and women, more kindly and gushy and huggy?
MYSELF: Fuck no. Also, fuck you.
ME: Well, that wasn’t a very nice answer. Let’s try this again: Have you changed your mind about all those nasty things you said last year about Big Business using Christmas as an excuse to guilt-trip people into spending money they don’t have on presents people don’t need?
MYSELF: Nope, not at all. This year, like last year, retailers are still acting like a horde of vampire squid, sticking their blood funnels up your bunghole and trying to suck out all the cash you’ve got while pretending everything is happy and jolly. It’s tough to remember the event that Christmas is supposed to commemorate when you’ve got a groping blood funnel up your ass. Also, fuck you.
ME: Okay. Well, are you enjoying the Christmas season music more this year? Is it putting you in a cheerier mood?
MYSELF: Surely you jest. Did you see this?
I rest my case.
ME: Huh. I feel you on that one. But hey, we still have the Trans Siberian Orchestra:
MYSELF: Really? Really? I’m starting to feel my will to live slipping away. All this seasonal music blows, including Trans Siberian Orchestra (don’t they get tired of playing that fucking song?), and especially the seasonal music pumped out by bands who want to cash in on the Christmas spirit by selling it. Join the fucking crowd of vampire squid! Me? I’d rather pick up this recently released Misantrof “Holy Fucking Anti Christmas” compilation: 18 bands, over 80 minutes of rancid music, and it doesn’t cost a fucking dime.
Also, did I mention fuck you?
ME: Yes, that rings a bell, I believe you did mention that. Well look, I’m confused. It doesn’t appear you’ve changed your mind about anything, and to be brutally honest, it seems like you’re just as hostile toward Christmas celebrators as you were last year. What gives?
MYSELF: Hey man, don’t you know me better than that? You fucking should. I mean, you know me better than anyone except my parole officer. I don’t have anything against people who love their holiday traditions. And this has got nothing to do with people believing Jesus was the son of God and died to redeem their sins. Really, I don’t have anything against Christians who use the time to reflect quietly or in communion with other like-minded people about what the day symbolizes. “Tolerance” is one of our middle names, remember? I just get tired of people invoking Jesus’ name as authority for telling me how to live my life every time I turn around.
ME: Yeah, I do know you, which is why I’m confused. If you haven’t changed your mind about all the Christmas-season bullshit, then why don’t you feel the need to spew and vent like you did last year?
MYSELF: Well, mainly I just don’t have anything new to say. It’s the same old stuff. It wasn’t original when I wrote last year’s rant, and my complaints haven’t become more insightful with the passage of time. Also, I’m doing a better job this year just ignoring all the seasonal horseshit. I think that’s the real recipe for happiness this time of year — just stock up on beer and chow, disconnect the tv, and hunker down at home until it’s over. Never go outside, and spend all day listening to metal until it drowns out all thoughts of what’s going on in the fruitcake world beyond your doorstep.
ME: Wait — does that mean I can’t watch tv or go outside either? I sort of wanted to drive around and look at Christmas lights.
MYSELF: Go fuck yourself.
ME: I’m really not enjoying all this crabbiness and the shitty attitude you’ve got.
MYSELF: Hey dude, chill out. You know me. I’m not really feeling hostile, it’s all just an act.
However, we’re still not going outside, and that’s final. But look, it won’t be so bad — I made this tree for us to enjoy while we hunker down and wait for the season to pass:
(Thanks to ElvisShotJFK for sending me the link to the Cthulhu tree photo at the top of the post.)