Dec 232011

(Here’s Round Two of Trollfiend’s head-to-head, no-holes-barred cage fight with Amorphis, and the blood is starting to flow in rivers. To catch up on what’s going on here, read this post.)

It is with heavy heart that I don my armoured codpiece today, knowing that the beast I face in the ring will rip off my head and shit down my neck.  Still, none shall be satisfied until my blood stains the sands and my genitals are thrown to the crowd as a token of my defeat, so… onward to battle.

Ah…we open with an instrumental track.  The arena master has called for lions; being thrown to starving lions is a gimme.  I just have to run fast and hope I can get….Into Hiding.

Shit.  It’s lions with bears strapped to their backs wielding axes made of flint and sodomy.  I’m doomed! Doomed I say! Wait, what’s with the weird clean vocals? Ha ha! Once more I escape death!

Unfortunately the ass-fucking flint-axe lion-bears were just a distraction so I wouldn’t notice the next entrant into the ring: The Castaway.  Metal-plated to the tits, it comes lumbering out of the gate to crush me flat with stomping boots of stompery.

As I lay in a puddle of my own innards, I am considering calling this one a loss after the first salvo.  But the horrifying spectre of Ilud Divinum Insanus looms over me, threatening me with its nail-studded techno-cock, so I toss my large intestine jauntily over my shoulder and rise again to do battle.

I have escaped the First Doom.  Unfortunately, once again, I had no idea what kind of Black Winter Day awaited me.

At first, I was lulled into a sense of complacency by the melodic strains of some kind of Casio keyboard set on “space flute” or something.  And what’s this, more clean vocals? Ha ha, this one’s in the bag!

Alas, the only bag it’s in is the one housing my family jewels, and it’s in there with its steel-toed sword boot.  Fuck, I’m down again.  I have no more blood to spill, and my guts are so covered in sand they look like Tomi Joutsen’s dreads.  What more could they possibly throw at me?

COME ON. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.  As if my injuries weren’t severe enough, you come to Finnish me off with A LITTLE GIRL??

That’s cold.  Brutal, and cold.  Seriously, you’ve got a guttural death-growl that sounds like you’re trying to hack up a yeti and you’re singing about being a little girl bathing at the seaside? Fuck me, I’m done.  Four more tracks? I can’t take this punishment any more.  I’m tapping out with my remaining hand.  Enjoy my death, you fucking vultures.

Round 2: Amorphis 2, Trollfiend 0


  1. *calling this one a LOSS after the first salvo

  2. See how he mocks me with his big shiny microphone and/or Victorian blowdryer!

  3. “Finnish me off” 🙂

  4. One thing I don’t get: if they have three good tracks on an album, you give them the win, right?

    Shouldn’t it be half the tracks? An album with three good tracks is a disaster to me. Hell, even half isn’t that good.

    Just my thought.

    Also, LULZY!

    • Maybe Trollfiend is such a fucking brute that he has to give himself a handicap or he would Finnish off one of the world’s favorite metal bands and then have to hide for the rest of his life.


        • Three good tracks is my minimum requirement to purchase an album if I don’t for some reason have the opportunity to hear the whole thing before buying.

          • That makes sense, but I thought you were reviewing their discography to decide if albums were good or not….

            Maybe I’m confused.

            • No, that’s what I’m doing…I just settled on the three song limit because that is what I would have gone by if I had been planning to buy the albums anyway. It’s arbitrary, admittedly, but I’m an arbitrary kind of person.

  5. I have a couple questions for you, o fiendly one.

    Are you going to listen to My Kantele as part of this, or at least make that an exhibition match? What about Magic And Mayhem? I think it could kick you in tender parts you may not have been aware that you had, then borrow something tentacly from Phro’s underoos and do unthinkable things to your limp, broken body.

    Oh, if you haven’t had a chance to watch Forging The Land Of A Thousand Lakes, I highly recommend it. Decent setlists that show just how good Amorphis is live – and that they haven’t forgotten how to do their earlier songs.

    • I was only planning to tackle the studio albums, largely because that’s already 11 posts right there, and APPARENTLY Islander has other shit he wants to put up on this site. But I will check out “Forging”…never had the opportunity to see them live so I’m looking forward to it.

      • I suppose that works. Then again, My Kantele is an EP, so that limits how many punches, kicks and bites you and Amorphis can trade. Same goes for Black Winter Day. But it also has my personal favorite Amorphis song, “The Brother Slayer”. Cleanly sung, but still awesome and it’s the song that really turned me on to the band.

        It’s too bad you tapped out when you did with this album. “In The Beginning” might have confused you with the mix of growls and clean singing, then had its way with you when the cleans were dropped. Another favorite of mine, one that I wish they had re-recorded for Magic And Mayhem instead of redoing their cover of “Light My Fire”. Or a new version of “The Brother Slayer”.

        • Ten posts, not eleven. I really need to stop huffing crystallized loris crap.

          “Tales” is easily one of my favourite albums of all time, so I knew Amorphis would be winning this round out of the gate. Unfortunately now I am coming to the albums I have either not heard all the way through or not heard at all or maybe heard one track from…so I don’t know how this is going to end up.

  6. And I’m coming to the conclusion that I haven’t really explained the goal here, which is to see if I can understand Amorphis’ artistic journey and maybe understand or even embrace their complete alteration of the music I fell in love with on their first two albums. Or, conversely, feel completely justified in slagging on them as progress-rock pussies. If Amorphis wins, that means I have succame to their musical charms. If I win, I will then feel wholly justified when saying “everything after Tales sucked demon cock through a garden hose”.

  7. Semi-related: I now have Wayne Static in my head yelling “Get up on this Amorphis Deathmatch! GET ON IT!”

    • Can I be in your head next?
      I wanna scream, “My Little Ponies raped my toes and cut off my bung hole!!”

      Make me happen in you.

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