It was just a matter of time. You can’t write about the kind of vicious, seething, anarchic, soul-rending noise that we cover here at NCS — stuff like shamisen rock, Lacuna Coil, The BadPiper, and BabyMetal — without The Man coming down on your ass eventually. I got an e-mail from the fucking FBI yesterday! And they weren’t writing to wish me a happy World Kidney Day either.
But they picked on the wrong fucking people. I gave ’em a piece of my mind, and I’m not talking about the piece that loves kitties and sleeps a lot. That’s our motto here at NCS — you get fucked, you fuck back . . . hard. And I’m fucking back with a new music video by Sweden’s AtomA, the latest band to be joined by Christian Älvestam as the vocalist. I believe this is the 1,623rd such band.
We’re not going to let the FBI try to fuck with us in private either. You have to expose this kind of heavy-handed bullshit for everyone to see, so the masses can rise up in solidarity and strike back like a big fucken rattlesnake that’s been roused from its slumber — give The Man a big dose of lethal venom! So, after the jump . . . the piece-of-shit e-mail I got from the FBI, my courageous response, and the AtomA video.
E-MAIL FROM THE FBI
From: FBI GOV <officefile.file37@gmail.com>Date: March 8, 2012 7:57:07 AM PSTTo: undisclosed recipients: ;Subject: INSTRUCTIONS FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.Reply-To: fbigov0000@yahoo.deGood Day,
We have been watching every single transaction you made since last year until this 2011 and you have to know that we are also working to make sure your funds which are suppose to be delivered to you, and also bear in mind that what ever you emailing us will be forward to the court. Also we are hereby to notify by the federal bureau of investigation Cotonou department of the insult you imposed on them by failing to comply by their requirements.Your full residential address has been forwarded to us for your immediate arrest to face your charge but I deemed it fit to give you one more chance to save yourself from this mess.
We have been told that you have failed to dance by the rule of the FBI which will warrant 2 years jail sentence. Now I John Francis Pikus the special agent in charge of the FBI Albany department I am giving you 24 working hours to effect the payment of the $187.00 usd. To the FBI in Republic of Benin (fbisecurity) with the information written below:
Receiver: Mr.Ofuebe Peter
Country: Benin Republic
City: Cotonou
TestQ: warning?
Answer: now
Amount: $187.dollars
Mtcn number………You have to try as much as you can and make this payment so that your funds will be delivered immediately to your destination.You have to stop every transaction you are communicating with other organization to avoid delay on the processing of your funds.
Note that you? if you fail to stick with my advice or any delay will lead to us coming directly to your home address at any time, so try and dance by the rule and get back to me with good understanding ASAP.
Special Agent in Charge;
Mr. John Francis Pikus Direct line +229-66-69-35-41
E-mail= (fbigov0000@yahoo.de)
NCS REPLY
Dear Mr. Pikus:
Fuck you. First of all, dickbrain, this isn’t 2011, it’s 2012! lol. You bullies don’t even know what year we’re in. People who can’t even read a fucken calendar don’t scare me.
And I don’t give a fuck if you forward this e-mail to the court either. You try to take me to court and I’ll fuck you so hard in the courtroom you won’t know whether to shit or go blind. I have faith that justice will be mine and disembowelment will be yours. Where is this court, by the way? I hope it’s in some jurisdiction that still imposes disembowelment as a penalty for writing shitty e-mails like you wrote.
So, yeah, you just try to come to my home address and arrest me, you greasy motherfucker. I’m already fortifying the NCS Compound on our metallic island. It’s gonna make the Waco Siege of 1993 look like a little girls’ birthday picnic. I got an army of pissed-off lorises armed to the teeth and ready to bring hellfire down on yo ass, plus a squadron of fearless pigeon aeronauts that will drop so much shit on your heads that you’ll look like the shitheads you are. Also, fuck you. Douchebag.
Threatening me with a 2-year jail sentence don’t mean shit either. I’ve done time. I can do the time. I was in for failing to recycle. They take that seriously here in Seattle, and they don’t put you in some fancy resort-style prison where Wall Street criminals get to do their time. This was a max-security facility for recycle scofflaws. So fucken bring it, you pencil-dicked abortion.
I just got one question for you: What the fuck is The Republic of Benin? Is that like some code-word for the secret world government that’s been bombarding my brain with microwave transmissions and trying to make me walk and talk like a docile drone? Is that what you call the coalition of fascist fucks who try to put down the people and grind ’em under their boots all over the world? And make them stop listening to metal?
Well, I’ll tell you what’s coming, bro. You watch this just-released video, and it will show you exactly what’s coming if you don’t back off and back off fast! We’ll fuckin nuke the planet, scrape it clean of all the fascist motherfuckers like you and whoever else you’re jacking off for breakfast there in Cotonou, whatever the fuck that is.
Fuck you,
Islander
NCS
AtomA: “Bermuda Riviera”
Alvestam’s vocals can be heard in this teaser video, which includes clips from multiple songs from AtomA’s forthcoming album:
P.S. AtomA is described as a “Stockholm, Sweden-based apocalyptic post-rock/metal band”. They have a Facebook page here. In January, they announced the signing of a deal with Napalm Records for the release of their debut album Skylight . It will be released on the following dates:
Spain, Finland, Sweden: March 28
Rest of Europe: April 2
North America: April 3
The members of AtomA, in addition to vocalist Christian Älvestam, all of whom were formerly in a melodic doom band called Slumber, are as follows:
Ehsan Kalantarpour – Vocal, Synth
Markus Hill – Drums
Siavosh Bigonah – Bass, Guitar
55 Responses to “THE FBI FUCKS WITH NCS AND WE FUCK BACK WITH ATOMA”
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Not John Francis Pikus???
Dear god no!!!
I always thought NCS was based off Spider Skull Island, or at least in a hollowed out volcano.
Actually it’s a giant floating cocoon.
Oh god, that means Mrs. Islander is….
Exceptionally hot?
Nailed it.
NCS henchmen should get matching uniforms.
Isn’t that what Islander is showing us in the photo at the end?
That’s the crew that will clean up the slimy bits of John Frances Pikus after the loris commandos are finished with him.
Wait, what? NCS isn’t based in marshmallow land?
I have always imagined Islander to be diligently smashing away on his keyboard while munching on fluffy marshmallows, and stretching his headless body out on comfy (and fluffy, again) pillows afterwards.
And by munching, I mean Islander munches with jagged pieces of the tip of his spine which is exposed at the part where the neck ends and the head is supposed to begin.
Lacking a head, there’s only one entry point for the marshmallows.
Ohhhh…, and this entire time I just thought the photo was cut off.
Greatest reply EVER!
Thank you byrd!
As fucking perfect as your response was, I feel like the “Come At Me, Bro!” meme would have been an excellent addition.
I was going to use that! But then I remembered the last time I did it, you rhetorically asked whether anyone really ever says “come at me bro!’
You listen to what I say? I don’t even do that. (As should now be quite obvious.)
I’m very sensitive.
Is that a premature ejaculation joke?
I don’t joke about premature ejaculation.
I find humor is a great way to deal with insecurities.
That’s why I’m always talking about weird sex. I’m afraid in not having enough.
So, come on! Let’s joke about our broken wieners.
I don’t joke about broken wieners.
Haha love your reply. I would have done nothing but forward that message to the real FBI. They don’t like bieng impersonated. You never know when one of these asses will latch a malware bot onto their email so that when you click reply your computer is skullfukt. Of course with the grammar and spelling the dude displayed in his email, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was from the Repulic of Benin.
Wait, fbigov0000@yahoo.de ISN’T the real FBI? And the real FBI doesn’t try to extort bribes? In broken English?
Man, I am so gullible.
You are NOT gullible. Of course that’s the real FBI. It says “FBI” right in the e-mail. Who else could it be?
Pretty sure this is a fake e-mail. Sounds like a phishing scam to me. The two biggest tip offs for me was the run on sentences, the telegraphic nature of the text and the fact that the FBI would use a @gmail.com account.
Yeah, definitely looks like a phishing attempt. I’m pretty sure the FBI uses their own e-mail server. They would never think of using gmail.
All federal government e-mail addresses have .gov as the top-level domain.
I know exactly where the Republic of Benin is! My long lost great-great-great-grandfather’s ex-wife’s mother’s cousin has left me a fortune as the only surviving heir, and he was the Child King of Benin! So… we’re talking a LOT of dough, I’m not gonna say how much ’cause I don’t want any low-lifes to roll me. I’ve already sent $1000 euro-pound-kroner over to them for their fees and pretty soon I’m gonna be RICH! Sucks to be YOU, hahaha.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
What’s the point of this?
Slow news day?
It’s not even a good fake fbi letter. Gmail and yahoo email addresses? C’mon.
Jokes are great but at least put in some effort.
I dunno……maybe I just miss NotB
I still think it was worth the read for that fantastic fuckin reply!
I quoted the e-mail verbatim as I received it. So I have no responsibility for how lame it is, except of course for the fact that I re-published it here. I take full blame for the reply.
The point of this was to listen to AtomA and imagine Islander sitting in a self-constructed padded room with lorises and homing pigeons, if one is not mistaken…
Wait . . . there’s a point?
We miss you too. And I promise, we’ll be back… eventually…
Yayyyyy!
Although, that’s not a reflection of the quality of this article. I was very entertained by it.
As a law enforcement officer, I can reaffirm what all of you already know, that letter is total bullshit lol. They FBI, if they even gave a crap about your site or you existence (which they don’t because you’re not named Muhammad and you’re not from generic-stan), they wouldn’t send you a letter. They would come talk to you in person before anything else.
Hang on a sec, someone’s at the door. Let me see who it is . . . .
How did it go???
It went fine. I was running out of loris food. The commandos are full now, but I think the suits at my door caused some indigestion.
fucking funny
The FBI wants you to send $187 to some dude in the Republic of Benin? Sounds legit to me.
I hope you get that Benin is a country and Cotonou is its capital?? But anyways, put me on the draft list in case you need some more to-the-teeth guys.
Thank you sir! You’re really gonna like our basic training.
And thanks for the tip on Benin and Cotonou. But what planet are they on?
One truly hopes you’re joking about your ignorance of the location of Benin.One would think that through your various encounters with Nigerian gold miners (or whatever), you would have known of their neighbouring country by now.
In any case, for those uninformed here: Benin, courtesy of The Font of All Human Knowledge.
I still think Benin is a code word for the secret society that runs the world, which is entirely capable of subverting The Font of All Human Knowledge to suit their own nefarious ends. Has anyone ever been to Benin? Of course not.
Perhaps when those Nigerian friends of yours contact you again, you could confirm the existence of Benin as at least a geographical area, if not necessarily as a human-populated area.
And who knows? Maybe you’re wrong about “Benin” being the name of the secret society that runs the world. Maybe it’s the ancient name of Atlantis from the time before the residents went crazy and killed all of their women, and then had to repopulate by crossbreeding with dugongs.
Ha! You said dugong!
Pardon one’s ignorance, but one is unaware what the word “dugong” means besides the aquatic mammal and the fat human female. Would you care to enlighten me?
Interesting. I think you should take caution when opening and replying to these though, Islander, they could pose a virtual threat to you, or perhaps a real one.
Thank you for your concern. I’m pretty careful, but if the site goes dark soon, you’ll know why.
Hi
Haha, Shenanigans!
Oh and those Atoma clips sounded really nice, definitely will seek that record out when it releases.
Hi