The truth is, I didn’t start this blog to please anyone but myself, and even today I and the other writers mostly focus on what WE care about, rather than on what we think will make other people happy with us. But over time, as the blog’s audience has grown, I’ve come to care in a borderline-unhealthy way about the site’s traffic statistics and about what our readers think of what we write.
That doesn’t mean we’re going to start making changes in an effort to suck in more page views — the central idea is still to write what we think is worth writing, and people will either be drawn to it or they won’t. But I’m still really curious about what our readers think, what they like and dislike, and yes, how we might improve the site.
SO, I’ve come up with a series of questions, and I’d be really grateful if you’d answer them. I’ve tried to make this poll as simple as possible. Anyone can answer them — you don’t need to register or give any identifying information, and your answers will be completely anonymous. It won’t take long to fill out the form, and you can even see the poll results as they accumulate.
I’ve set this up so the poll will remain open for one week from today, after which I’ll compile the results, publish them in a forthcoming post, and then probably ignore them as we move forward into the great unknown future.
In some of these questions, you may not see an answer that best suits the way you think, or you may not see a question that you think we should be asking. So please leave comments if you’d like to express an opinion about NCS that we haven’t covered in this poll.
Also, because this is the first time I’ve used this polling software, there could be technical difficulties. If you encounter any technical trouble, try holding down the CTRL + SHIFT + DELETE + F5 + CAPS LOCK keys while moistening a finger on your non-typing hand and inserting it in your rectum, and THEN click the mouse with your nose.
Okie dokie, let’s get to it!
FIRST EVER NCS READERS POLL THAT WE’VE EVER DONE, FOR THE FIRST TIME
Please answer the following questions in the way that best expresses what you think and your own behavior.
Crikey, i just sat through an eartquake.. no shit!!
Are you sure you didn’t just fart really hard?
I did, just as I was inserting my moistened finger. It nearly broke my fuckin hand!
Also, two hand-jobs!
I should have added a warning that people should fart loudly BEFORE attempting the recommended work-around. I hope I don’t get sued.
Can I sue you for giving me a fartgasm? I’m suffering some pretty bad emotional trauma right now.
Usually, people pay me for giving them a fartgasm. You have no case.
Alright, now we’re getting somewhere!! What other metal blog can cause earthquakes merely by posting a reader’s poll? Our next project will be causing fire from the skies and a plague of frogs.
Wouldn’t a plague of locusts and bears be more metal though? Frogs aren’t that intimidating. And they don’t really do much…
Dude, frog piss. That’s pretty intimidating.
ah, you are all a bunch of funny c**ts arent ya!! Check the news item here: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/quake-shakes-state-20120619-20m88.html
It happened just as i finished the poll.. i thought the rack of cd’s next to me was going to crash down.. Cheers.
SHIT! You weren’t just being metaphorical. The biggest quake in Victoria in 109 years?!? Looks fortunate that it didn’t hurt a lot of people. Let’s hope there won’t be another one like that for the next 109 years.
Why wasn’t there an option for brutal death metal? Or is that considered old school death metal?
I’m thinking of bands like Abominable Putridity and Abysmal Torment and (kind of, but maybe not in the same genre) Origin.
Also, if I promise to write one new review a week, will you add an option to have Phro drink a bottle of whiskey and then try to rape a panda with an elephant dong. Because I’d vote for that.
Also, what the fuck, I don’t visit NCS once a day, I visit it almost once an hour. I just don’t comment that often. (Because…pandas.)
I’m glad I’m not the only one turned on by permanent black eyes.
Stupid me. I tried adding brutal death metal and slam to the poll question about genre likes, but I’m not seeing it in the list. If it doesn’t show up, people should consider it part of old-school (though it really isn’t).
Also, I tried to add the elephant dong thing, plus a choice for having you leave readers’ little sisters alone, but I’m not seeing that either. Fucking technology.
Yay! I now see the changes to those poll questions!
Don’t say that word! We don’t want to rouse The Cube from its slumbers.
THE CUBE NEVER SLEEPS. THE CUBE NEVER RESTS. THE CUBE EATS YOUR BALLS FOR BREAKFAST AND THEN REPLACES THEM WITH TINY FELAFELS. AND YOU DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
HAMMER TIME! Nearly choked when I saw that. Images of parachute pants flooded my third eye.
THE CUBE WILL TAKE YOUR THIRD EYE LIKE THE VISIGOTHS TOOK ROME.
Seriously though, what the fuck has Goat the Head been up to lately???
They have been suspiciously quiet. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
THE CUBE DOES NOT KNOW FEAR.
BUT IT DOES KNOW BONERS.
BE BONER. BE VERY BONER.
So, is it a good thing or a bad thing to “be boner”? One is confused…
I really wish you’d stop mentioning The Cube. You are tempting fate, and the consequences of random utter destruction.
BEING BONER IS ALWAYS GOOD. SO SAYETH THE CUBE.
AS IS DESTRUCTION. SO SAYETH THE CUBE.
I see this post already has more comments than the King Diamond one, and the comments are headed in a similar direction.
I.e., the NCS direction.
Always. There is only one direction: straight down the shitter.
They don’t seem to have put out anything after their 2011 EP Wicked Mimicry (one original song and three cover songs). But, they do seem to have a Bandcamp now, with that EP available for purchase / free streaming.
They also seem to be somewhat active on Twitter – tweeting once a month by the looks of it.
Ohhhhhhh! EP! Good to know!
You missed an NCS post! Give yourself a gasoline enema.
Uhhh…flaming or non-flaming?
@Phro: How is it even possible to use flaming? (O_o) . . .
Flaming, of course. Light it up after the stream starts coming back out along with the creatures that live up in there Please make a video of it too.
Wow, 100% of people have responded that they visit every day.
Wait, I guess that makes sense — for anyone who’s responded this quickly.
Maybe that’s the reason, or maybe it isn’t. Maybe no one can live without us for even a day. I’m going with that until proven wrong.
I’m not afraid to admit I have to visit this site once or twice within the hour!!!! I can’t live without NCS!!!!!!! I’ve I become a fanboy???? @islander keep the good work Cheers from Dominican Republic!!!!!
So glad you’ve come aboard dude, and I really do appreciate all the positive feedback you leave.
I mean I found about you via Metalsucks and ohh boy Best move I’ve ever made!!!! NCS has become my favorite so far!!!! plus you introduce me to bandcamp (another option besides Itunes and Amazon mp3)
Bandcamp is truly an amazing resource for discovering new music…
Hopefully you’re also keeping track of our friend Max’s blog “Metal Bandcamp” where he links to zillions of great bands and labels whose music can all be found at Bandcamp!
metalcamp is awesome!!!!! a lot of options
I also learned about bandcamp through NCS.
Hey speaking of Bandcamp…am I the only one who couldnt go back more than ten pages while poking around their metal category?
Crap. Same here… 😐
Answered as truly as I could. ’tis a wonderful site here, and had I not started my own, I certainly could have made this a more permanent home. I suppose I just like to have something that is my own.
Well Perfessor, if you ever change your mind (not that I’m saying you should), I’d welcome you back in a heartbeat. You’ve been such an awesome supporter of NCS. But I also think the interhole is a richer place for what you’re doing at OculusInfernus.com.
and now we shall head over to OculusInfernus.com!!!!
and register thy name cause of recommendation
Hopefully you will not be disappointed. Currently it is only myself who has written, but I’ve already lined up four contributors for the future.
I will take the time to give mine opinion and post, from what I read quickly, I can say good stuff!!!!!
I am probably the only person who voted for Metalcore. Don’t even care tho, gonna party like it’s 2004.
Hey, it’s on the list for a reason. I still want my metalcore fix from time to time.
you are not alone
Yes you are
I am here with you
Man, NCS is where I invest my time when I actually want to read something good… or something with gross humour.
Thank you Gaia. Gross humor is our specialty. We’re still working on the something good part. You could help with that, you know. 😉
There’s always Teufel’s Tomb for gross humor! Oh yes, Phro Metal too.
What? I’ve been reading Phrometal since day 1, and I don’t remember seeing anything gross…
I think you are the ideal PhroMetal reader.
-or maybe I just have a really short memory.
And a many thanks for your reading of my little hole of filthy poopy talk. 🙂
Where is the option for nu-metal?
Seriously, I was in Fopp yesterday and was legitimately tempted by the new Spineshank album. Though I ended up buying new Ihsahn and Whitechapel instead.
Well, don’t feel bad. I didn’t include an option for dubstep either.
I listen exclusively to iwrestledabearonce. Why isn’t there an option for this? I know you write the blog mostly as an esoteric exercise, but that just seems like your trying to lose your audience.
I knew I was forgetting something. Now that I have remembered, I will try again to forget. (kudos for that comment, btw)
Would reminding you of Sigh help you forget?
On another note, had you not considered adding a “Clean Singing” category.
Yes, I had not considered adding a Clean SInging category. I had not considered it because I don’t want those opinions, because this is my pole. I mean poll.
Question: What would the benefits of Disqus give that you don’t already have on your site? I’m not a fan of using it personally, just wondering what your perspective/idea was on it as a page owner.
I’ve had a few people e-mail me in the past saying I should add DISQUS, because they’re already registered as DISQUS users and it would prevent them having to register here and remember their log-in info every time they want to leave a comment. I haven’t yet figured out whether it’s possible to add DISQUS without fucking up the current comment system. I definitely don’t want currently registered readers to have to start all over again.
People log in here? It just saves my name and email in the comment section. I must be doing something wrong, lol.
I CHECKED ALL THE ANSWERS WHENEVER I COULD. FUCK YOUR POLL.
ALSO, FUCK DISQUS.
So, one wasn’t the only one to check all the options in multiple-option questions…
Metalheads are so fucking unruly.
Fuck the police! . . . and stuff.
Are fucking stuff? Cause I got lots of stuff to Fuck….
Man, so you want the one hand job AND the two hand jobs? You a glutton for punishment.
I didn’t realize that question would accept multiple answers. I would have checked everything except the one about polite language.
I wasn’t very clear about which questions would allow multiple answers. I’m new at this polling shit.
VODKA ENEMA! FLAMING!
I think I had that drink at a bar once. At least it felt like I did the next morning.
I checked polite language…. Though in retrospect, if I have to give anyone a hand job, it might as well be me.
But you have to wait until you’ve serviced everyone else first. Should be crusty.
Great. I write, by far, the least popular types of articles!
I don’t care what anyone says, I enjoy what you write. I heard that one of your second cousins does, too.
I have a request.
Continue being awesome.
Funny you should mention that. My stash of the FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE tour shirts is just about exhausted, and I’ve been thinking about a new shirt, maybe timed for distribution around the holidays, maybe sooner. I need to find better help, though. The fucking lorises can’t stuff a package to save their lives and the pigeon aeronauts crap on everything.
Can I get another shirt? For wiping up after all the hand jobs I now apparently owe people.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. Okay, here’s your shirt:
I wouldn’t insult my smallest, smelliest load of fetid cum with such filth!
I was shocked at the results of the first question, then I realized it makes perfect sense.
Thoroughly appreciate Islander, every article contributor, and all the commenters for making this site worth the bandwidth.
One Question: Did you not put Hardcore as genre choice on purpose? I recall articles about it from time to time. If it’s not out of the question, I would like more periodic posts on that topic if it happens to strike you. It’s not my favorite genre, but I like how NCS reaches on many different styles and facets of extreme music (you guys are among the best at it on the web) and the authors always have interesting points of view on bands throughout the heavy music spectrum; I would like that tradition to continue.
I hope whatever changes you decide to implement brings future success. Keep Up The Metal.
I assumed that it was just lumped together (as it often is) with crust/punk.
Thanks for that attempt at a save, but I really just fucked up in not including straight hardcore as a genre choice. Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t really consider hardcore part of crust/punk, though I acknowledge that the lines can be blurred and that there was (and still is) a lot of cross-pollination among them.
Yeah, the leading answer to the first question does make sense, but we’re not even through the full first day of the poll. Hand jobs could make a big cumback.
Omitting hardcore was just another one of my oversights. We have featured hardcore bands every now and then on the site, but I feel like I and the regular writers haven’t really stayed current with that scene (which is why we don’t write about the bands frequently). But I didn’t mean to imply that we would just ignore it. At least speaking for myself, I’d like to continue including it, at some level, in what we’re doing here. I still have immense respect for the no-bullshit honesty of hardcore music as it’s meant to be played.
As always, I really appreciate your support and am glad you’re still with us.
I don’t have a sister, take that Phro! Also, this made me laugh when I read the choices.
Do you have a brother?
This is probably an improper time to be all Professor Priss, Doctor of Pedantry, but I’d say Mitochondrion and Dragged Into Sunlight are just death metal, albeit very left-field death metal. Antediluvian is the same but for black metal, and Diocletian is what happens when more than two people w/ stiffies for Blasphemy get together in one place. Picked that option, in any case.
Oh, and an option for trad/heavy metal is conspicuously absent
Trad/heavy metal — another oversight. I knew it was probably a mistake to formulate that question near midnight after spending hours figuring out this posting software and how to make it have pretty colors just like the site does, except I couldn’t find skulls.
I thought Dragged Into Sunlight was more black metal-ish. Though I couldn’t give you a proper reason why…
This is one reason why one asked about clean singing.
Theyre all Black/Death metal bands, though Dragged into Sunlight mixes some Doom in as well. Antediluvian and Diocletian are straight up war metal/bestial black metal
Wait…what’s war metal?
Very raw sounding black/death metal that usually revolves around war, satan, blasphemy etc. This would be bands like Proclamation, Blasphemy, Conqueror. Its usually called bestial black metal now
When I saw that you were having a poll the first thing that came to me was “Recommend Disqus”
Glad to see that it was in the poll, you’re just one step ahead of everybody
There seems to be enough interest that I guess I ought to find out whether it’s possible to implement it without messing up the current comment system, ie, adding it as an option, but not as a replacement.
And in the other corner:
Oh, that not good AT ALL! Doesn’t sound like something I want to be facilitating.
Yep, please don’t.
Oh shitballs, I did not know of this. Yeah I think you should keep it how it is
I was just looking at some of the results, and its seems that about 1/3 of the people who responded to the question would like to see negative reviews. I would like to suggest that if negative reviews are to become a thing, they should be both hilarious and completely irrelevant. Like reviews of Tibetan chants or something, but the reviewers MUST judge the album/music in question through the lenses of metal.
I just picked up the new, (allegedly) brutal album by Adele. I gotta say that, despite my expectations, whoever she hired to do the riffs just fucking sucks. The asshole doesn’t even know how to palm mute as near as I can tell. And, while clean singing might be expected, I was looking forward to the rumored growls that Adele has been practicing in order to add some dimension to her relatively one-dimensional vocals thus far. The drums were interesting for a metal album, as there wasn’t a single blast beat to be found. Personally, I don’t mind some experimentation, but, come on guys, there’s experimentation and then there’s letting limp spaghetti play drums for you. Overall, I was pretty disappointed with this release. It’s so typical of the contemporary metalcore, phone-it-in-and-spend-more-time-on-your-hair-than-on-the-riffs attitude.
New Adele release: 1 pickle out of a whole sandwich.
Honestly, this is probably one of those poll results I will probably just ignore. I’m pretty wedded to the idea of staying positive and leaving the trashing of bands to other sites. About the only exception I can possibly stomach are albums by really big-name bands who’ve got it made and yet produce awful albums (we’ve done this kind of thing a few times in the past).
I don’t really see the need for negative reviews, myself. That was just my way of having fun with the idea. The way a dog has fun with your shoes by pooping in them.
Even though I am guilty of negative comments on here (are you listening Mikael Åkerfeldt? No, of course you aren’t) I also appreciate the positive slant to this site and do not want that to change.
But I do like the tongue-in-cheek review concept of non-metal band reviews. Wait, we are talking about Phro here, so it is probably more like cock-in-armpit.
Ha, “tongue-in-cheek” vs “cock-in-armpit.”
That somehow sums up NCS perfectly.
99 HOPLESS FUCKING USELESS EMPTY WAYS TO REPLY
WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I’m gonna get naked and wave my dick at old Japanese women!!!
(Yes, I have been drinking.)
What’s Japanese for, “HaHa! That looks like a dick, only smaller!”
Alright, now write the romaji out for the plebes who don’t partake in the moonspeak.
Not plebes. People with lives.
Haha! Chinko mitai dakedo, chotto chiisai.
I was curious as to the one 3rd from from the end. I was doing fine up until that one you prick.