Dec 122011

(The time has come.  What time is that?  Why, it’s the time when we begin publishing our own series on the best metal of 2011 — lists created by our writers, guest contributors, and members of metal bands who we’ve specially invited to share with us their lists.  And what better way to start than by turning to Phro for the kick-off?)

Ahhh . . . 2011, how quickly you came and . . . went?  Are going?  Let’s just stick with came for now.

What a year it has been!  I think.  I don’t really remember it.  I think there was something to do with tentacles and a few zombie girls.  Seriously, someone please make the whole zombie/vampire/werewolf thing stop happening.  Please.  I’m begging you.  I can only take so much pithy teen angst foisted upon poor hapless creatures of the night.  GIVE THEM BACK THEIR BALLS, DAMNIT!!!

Seriously.  And wizards, too.  Enough of that shit.

Oh, right, and there was music, too.  Particularly metal music.  Particularly good metal music.  (Anyone who ever utters the words, “It’s been a bad year for metal,” should go out behind the chicken chopping shed and punch themselves in the throat with a rooster.  You fucking lazy scum fucker.)  But it`s the end of the year, and it’s not enough to simply say there was a lot of it.  You people from the Internet want proof all of the sudden!  You freaks with your memes and your porn and your meme porn and your porn memes.  And your rules!!!  So many rules!  Well, I have a new rule for you.  Rule number 0.5.  It states, quite clearly: anything that can be made into furry-rape-scat porn should be made into furry-rape-scat porn and then broadcasted on CNN, FOX, and MSNBC until foxes look sexy.  (But only when they`re covered in poop.)

Poop, poop, poop, poop . . . poop . . . poooooooooooooop . . . Continue reading »

Nov 152011

Record Label: Metal Blade | Year: 2011 | Genre: Power Metal

By Willard Shrapnelspear

Germany. Romania.

Werewolves. Religious satire.

Electric guitars. Pipe organ.

Power Metal. Corpse Paint.

There you go. This 29-word review is all you need to know about this must-buy record.

Just kidding. Jokes aside, that was real helpful in highlighting the contrasting aspects of this disc, eh? The epic, non-LOTR-worshipping (Wow!) quartet behind this masterpiece have been very consistent in putting out quality, unconventional power metal every 2 years, and this fourth record sees them not mellowing down one bit in the uplifting prowess of the power metal sound while maintaining their idiosyncratic image and lyrical theme. I pretty much think they are geniuses, seriously. If you want to sing power metal without sounding clichéd, you gotta avoid fantasizing about damn dragons, elves, dwarves and everything else that appears in Dragon Age or Legend of Zelda. So what do you do? You sing about WEREWOLVES of course! Continue reading »