May 142012

I have never seen my abs.  I will never see my abs.  It’s just not in the cards, despite the fact that I’m pretty close to the weight I’m supposed to have for my height.  Even when I was at my trimmest, most athletically fit, I couldn’t see them . . . and those days are far back in the rear-view mirror.

Angela Gossow, on the other hand, has abs. Having seen this photo taken at Arch Enemy’s Wages Of Sin Anniversary show in Tokyo on April 14, 2012, I don’t know why she ever wears shirts and tops that drop below her upper ribcage. Man, when you got it, flaunt it.

Look at her fucking arms, too! I know that with Arch Enemy as big as they are, she travels in better style than 99% of all metal bands, but still: Where does she find the time to work out this intensely, and how does she avoid all the alcohol and shit food that comes with touring?  Oh, wait.  I know.  You don’t have to fucking tell me.  It’s called self-discipline.  A concept I’ve read about, but one that’s totally academic to me.

I’m sorry, but as awe-inspiring as Angela looks in this photo, it fucking depresses me on another level. By coincidence, about 5 minutes after I saw this photo, I heard a song that kind of sums things up. It’s called “Visions Of A Shit Life”, which is kinda what I see when I catch myself naked in a mirror. It’s by a Denver grindcore band called Death of Self (yeah, that’s a fucken appropriate name, too), which features the vocalist/guitarist (Ethan) from Clinging To the Trees Of A Forest Fire. It has the benefit of being a goddamned kickass song, too. Continue reading »

Dec 122011

(The time has come.  What time is that?  Why, it’s the time when we begin publishing our own series on the best metal of 2011 — lists created by our writers, guest contributors, and members of metal bands who we’ve specially invited to share with us their lists.  And what better way to start than by turning to Phro for the kick-off?)

Ahhh . . . 2011, how quickly you came and . . . went?  Are going?  Let’s just stick with came for now.

What a year it has been!  I think.  I don’t really remember it.  I think there was something to do with tentacles and a few zombie girls.  Seriously, someone please make the whole zombie/vampire/werewolf thing stop happening.  Please.  I’m begging you.  I can only take so much pithy teen angst foisted upon poor hapless creatures of the night.  GIVE THEM BACK THEIR BALLS, DAMNIT!!!

Seriously.  And wizards, too.  Enough of that shit.

Oh, right, and there was music, too.  Particularly metal music.  Particularly good metal music.  (Anyone who ever utters the words, “It’s been a bad year for metal,” should go out behind the chicken chopping shed and punch themselves in the throat with a rooster.  You fucking lazy scum fucker.)  But it`s the end of the year, and it’s not enough to simply say there was a lot of it.  You people from the Internet want proof all of the sudden!  You freaks with your memes and your porn and your meme porn and your porn memes.  And your rules!!!  So many rules!  Well, I have a new rule for you.  Rule number 0.5.  It states, quite clearly: anything that can be made into furry-rape-scat porn should be made into furry-rape-scat porn and then broadcasted on CNN, FOX, and MSNBC until foxes look sexy.  (But only when they`re covered in poop.)

Poop, poop, poop, poop . . . poop . . . poooooooooooooop . . . Continue reading »

Oct 042011

(Phro was so obviously omega drunk on the blood of alpha when he reviewed Omega Drunk on the Blood of Alpha by Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire that he seemed the obvious candidate to review the two more recent releases by the same band, which the band was kind enough to send our way. My only word of advice to CTTTOAFF is to be careful what you wish for.)

So, I “reviewed” (seriously, who decided to let me get away with calling anything I write a “review”?) Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire’s Omega Drunk on the Blood of Alpha the other day. And, I tell you what, it is good aural baby-flesh pancakes.  Well, Islander set me up with review MP3s of their newest album Visceral (July 2011), as well as their just-released split with France’s Nesseria (I’ll only be “reviewing” the CTTTOAFF songs).  I’ve listened to them both about 10 times since then, trying to think of what to say.  I’ll tell you this right now: If you don’t get at least the split (which is free on bandcamp), CTTTOAFF will do horrible things to your mutilated corpse and e-mail photos of said doings to your family, your dog, and all your exes.  Only the exes will enjoy it.

Have you ever heard the sound of giants stalking the skies, intermittently raping Gaia with cocks the size of horses?”


“Not horses’ cocks…the giants’ cocks are as big as a fucking thoroughbred.”

“I’m….uhhhh…are you talking to me?” Continue reading »

Sep 272011

(In this post, NCS contributor Phro reviews an album by Clinging To the Trees of A Forest Fire as only Phro can.)

(Phro’s note: Clinging to the Trees of a Forest Fire is a Denver (woo!) funeral grind band (band’s words, not mine, but incredibly appropriate) that will rip your face skin off and then burn it as you stare hopelessly and slowly bleed to death.  Today, I listened to their 2008 album Omega Drunk On the Blood of Alpha.  It’s fucking amazing.  If you want to hear or get more of their music, go to their facebook page ( or their bandcamp page (


Furious wind whips at my face like tiny dicks fighting for a place in the bukkake circle, desperately trying to get close enough to the girl to avoid just masturbating in a room full of perverts and a slightly uncomfortable woman.  My arms flail as I fight against gravity, Newton, and all that physics has birthed—screaming—into the world.


My screams are nearly drowned out by the robotic howl of the wind. Continue reading »

Mar 312010

We’re now a full three months into 2010, and it’s time for our third update to the list of forthcoming new albums we posted on January 1.  (See the original list here, the first update here, and the second update here.) Below is a list of still more projected new releases that we didn’t know about on January 1 or at the time of our last two updates — and the new sickness is still spreading in epidemic proportions.

Once again, we’ve cobbled together news blurbs about bands whose past work we’ve liked, or who look interesting for other reasons. Needless to say (but we’ll say it anyway), these are bands that mostly fit the profile of music we cover on this site.

So, in alphabetical order, here’s our list of cut-and-pasted blurbs from various sources since our last update about forthcoming new releases. Look for the bands you like and put reminders on your calendar. Or if you’re old school like us, just get em tattooed someplace you can see without a mirror (because reading stuff backwards is hard).

ANAAL NATHRAKH: “U.K. extreme metallers ANAAL NATHRAKH have commenced work on material for a new album, tentatively due before the end of the year.”

ANNIHILATOR: “Canadian thrash metal veterans ANNIHILATOR will release their 13th, self-titled album in Europe on May 17 via Earache Records, in Japan through Marquee and in Australia via Riot Entertainment.”

ARISE: “A two-minute video trailer for The Reckoning, the fourth album from Swedish death/thrashers ARISE, can be viewed below. Due on March 22 through Regain Records, the CD features guest appearances by Jonas Kjellgren (SCAR SYMMETRY, ex-CARNAL FORGE), Mikael Stanne (DARK TRANQUILLITY) and Jake Fredém (NOSTRADAMEUS).” [NOTE: the album is now scheduled for release on April 6.]

(more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »