Jun 272012

Aw jeez, yet another metal armada is going to be polluting the pristine waters of the Caribbean with filthy music and even filthier passengers. Yes, all you swabbies and swabettes in the audience, 70,000 Tons of Metal is back for their third cruise, setting sail from Miami on January 28, 2013, for five days and four nights of heavy drinking and loud music.

It seems like a decade ago when this grand-daddy of the floating mosh pits embarked on its maiden voyage. (Can a three year old be a grand-daddy?), but it was only in January 2011.  Ah, well do I remember the fun I had with this concept when it was first announced. I made running jokes about it throughout 2010, and then had to eat crow when it turned out to be a blast (or so I heard). And then they did it again earlier this year, and now they’re starting to roll out news of the third installment.

Once again, the cruise operators are planning to have 40 metal bands on board playing non-stop, open mic nights, clinics, work-shops, metal karaoke, and of course bars that never close. They haven’t yet disclosed the island destination where the ship will vomit forth the pasty-faced black-clad throngs to horrify residents and unsuspecting tourists, but they have announced the first 10 bands who’ve signed on for the cruise this year. Talk about a strange, motley line-up:


This is such an odd and varied assortment. If I were going (and maybe I will), I think would spend about a third of the time headbanging hard and about two-thirds of the time hunkered down in my bunk with cotton balls stuffed in my ears and a bottle of whiskey cradled in my arms.

But hey, there are 30 bands yet to come, and we will be getting the slow, water-torture drip of new band announcements from now through the fall, and maybe that ratio of headbanging and hunkering down will change.

Also, think about the timing: If you had no job or school and lots of extra cash lying around waiting to be burned up in ocean-going extravaganzas, you could do this:

Leave Miami on The Barge To Hell cruise on December 3, 2012, returning on December 7.

Leave Miami again on December 7, 2012, aboard The 2012 Mayhem Festival Cruise and return on December 10, 2012.

Dry out at your favorite detox clinic.

Set sail again on January 28, 2013, on 70,000 Tons of Metal.

Hell, there’s probably some European cruise scheduled in between December 10 and January 28, so by shelling out for airfare you could just skip the detox part.

For more info about the new 70,000 Tons of Metal, go here.


  8 Responses to “70,000 TONS OF METAL 2013”

  1. ANACRUSIS WTF!?!?!?!?!

  2. Yep, there is a few “WHO!?!” bands in there but I see Doro will be on that ship. This old guy might have to be detained in his quarters for fear of being a stalker. (I’m kidding of course in case her or her management read this!)

  3. Trust me…when it comes to festivals you dont want a super strong lineup top to bottom. Its better to have every 3rd band or so be one you dont care about. That way you can rest…rehydrate (re-intoxicate) and have time to get to the stage for the next good band

    • That’s a great point. About as close as I’ve ever come to a festival has been attending Summer Slaughter, but there were definitely times when I was glad for the break provided by bands who I didn’t care much about.

  4. just for Immolation and Nile I would go!!!!!

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