Apr 052013

Well, we’re way past the point where I could make fun of this floating, alcohol-soaked mosh pit like I did the first year it launched. 70,000 TONS OF METAL is now a proven success, maybe even on its way to becoming an institution. The question now is what can the organizers do to make a solid experience even solider? [hey, I found an online dictionary where solider is a word, so there]

They’ve thought of something. For the fourth edition of this heavy metal cruise, everyone who becomes a ticketed and paid passenger before July 27, 2013 will be able to vote on where the cruise will go.

The ship will depart Miami on January 27, 2014 and return on January 31. So I exaggerated in saying it will go wherever the fuck you want to go; this is called “editorial license”. For example, I suppose Krakatoa is out of the question. It has to be someplace the Royal Caribbean “Majesty of the Seas” luxury cruise ship can get to and return from in 4 nights and five days.

I think I’d vote for Cuba, which sounds more exotic than Biloxi, Mississippi or Muscle Shoals, Alabama, though it would probably be equally interesting to see how the residents of those places would react to a seaborne invasion by 2,000 metalheads.

Once again, there will be 40 bands on board, 7 of which have been announced so far. Check out the first 7: Continue reading »

Jun 272012

Aw jeez, yet another metal armada is going to be polluting the pristine waters of the Caribbean with filthy music and even filthier passengers. Yes, all you swabbies and swabettes in the audience, 70,000 Tons of Metal is back for their third cruise, setting sail from Miami on January 28, 2013, for five days and four nights of heavy drinking and loud music.

It seems like a decade ago when this grand-daddy of the floating mosh pits embarked on its maiden voyage. (Can a three year old be a grand-daddy?), but it was only in January 2011.  Ah, well do I remember the fun I had with this concept when it was first announced. I made running jokes about it throughout 2010, and then had to eat crow when it turned out to be a blast (or so I heard). And then they did it again earlier this year, and now they’re starting to roll out news of the third installment.

Once again, the cruise operators are planning to have 40 metal bands on board playing non-stop, open mic nights, clinics, work-shops, metal karaoke, and of course bars that never close. They haven’t yet disclosed the island destination where the ship will vomit forth the pasty-faced black-clad throngs to horrify residents and unsuspecting tourists, but they have announced the first 10 bands who’ve signed on for the cruise this year. Talk about a strange, motley line-up:

Continue reading »

Aug 112010

When we first heard about The 70,000 TONS OF METAL cruise way back in February, all we could think about was what could go comically wrong. Really, just think about the concept: 40 metal bands and 2,000 metalheads sailing around the Caribbean with non-stop performances, bars that stay open all night, and a stop at the Mexican island of Cozumel, where the tequila flows like water.

So of course, assholes that we are, we immediately started making fun of the idea — imagining in detail all the ass-ripping things that could go wrong. That was the subject of our first post about the cruise (here). That was in February, when only six bands had signed up to play for this floating festival.

We wrote an update post about this thing in late May, still sorta making fun, but also starting to imagine the things about this idea that could — we emphasize could — turn out to be awesome.  By that point, 18 bands had signed on to play.

Well, this morning we got a press release from the organizers announcing the latest edition to the line-up — the 22nd band, to be precise. And the new addition is none other than Sweden’s Marduk. Now, we’re really going to have to start thinking about taking this cruise seriously. Marduk is the first black-metal addition to the line-up. We figured there was no way the organizers could convince a top-flight, no-bullshit, black-metal band to jump on this thing.

A grymm cruise? Fans in corpsepaint and spikes mingling with beardos mingling with thrashers mingling with fans quaffing their brew out of drinking horns, and so on. Boggles the mind. For the current line-up of 22 bands, continue after the jump. Now we’re really getting interested in seeing who the next 18 bands will be. Continue reading »

May 272010

More than a month has passed since we posted our last update about the 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise, and we figured it was time to check in again.

Since our last update, Exodus, Forbidden, and Testament have signed on. That’s a heavyweight injection of Bay Area thrash into this floating festival (we’ll give you the complete current line-up of 18 bands after the jump). Plus, in related news, the Swedes have gotten in on the act by putting together their own metal cruise (more on that after the jump too).

If you don’t know what this cruise is, we’ll fill you in: The organizers have chartered a cruise ship (Royal Caribbean’s “Majesty of the Seas”) capable of carrying 40 metal bands (which means they’re still targeting 22 more bands to fill out the line-up) and 2,000 fans, departing Miami on January 24, 2011 for a 5-day, 4-night cruise in the Caribbean, including a stop at the Mexican island of Cozumel.

The 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise has got great potential — both good and bad. It could be a truly awesome experience. It could also be a clusterfuck of cosmic proportions. And there’s no way to know which it will be until that cruise ship limps back into port, probably on fire, at the end of the voyage.

We’ve got some thoughts about what could make it orgasmically good, and what could make it suck big-time. But we’d bet the farm that unless Royal Caribbean is run by metalheads (not likely), they have no fucking idea what they’re about to get themselves into, and that increases the risk of suckage.  (more thoughts, and other related stuff, after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

Apr 072010

We thought it was time for an update on The 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise.  We’ve had so much fun with this thing (e.g., here and here) and are just counting the days until January 2011 when it limps back into port at Miami with chaos in its wake.

But just as we were checking the interwebz for updated info last weekend, we came across a few other stories about coal and China that gobsmacked us. They’ve got nothing to do with metal, and they’re only tangentially related to “70,000 Tons of Metal.” Actually, even “tangential” is stretching it. About the only connection is that the first story involves shipping clusterfuckery, and we suspect “70,000 Tons of Metal” will turn into a clusterfuck, too, though in a fun-loving, binge-and-purge kind of way.

So, before we give you an update on “70,000 Tons of Metal” (which we really will do), allow us to vent a little about those gobsmacking stories we saw.

First Item: According to this report, a large Chinese freighter carrying 72,000 tons of coal (not 70,000 Ton of Metal) ran aground late Saturday on a section of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. The Shen Neng 1 crashed into the reef at full speed a few hours after leaving the port of Gladstone, Australia, on its way to China. When that happened, it was nine miles outside its authorized shipping lane, according to Australian authorities. And those same authorities reported that the ship is in danger of breaking apart.

So, what’s the big deal, you may ask? You’re thinking that coal doesn’t leak. True, but a ship this large carries a shitload of fuel — 1,000 tons of it, to be more precise. (read on after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

Feb 012010

Blabbermouth ran the following story on January 12:

TROUBLE, AMON AMARTH and SODOM are among the confirmed bands for the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise, which is set to sail from Miami, Florida to Cozumel, Mexico on January 24, 2011 and return four days later. The festival billing is shaping up as follows:


A posting on the festival’s web site reads, “Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, when everyone else is stuck with cold weather, snow and rain, 40 heavy metal bands and 2,000 fans will take over a luxury cruise ship in the Caribbean for a five-day and four-night trip of a lifetime. Tons of onboard live shows on several indoor and outdoor stages, open-mic nights, bars that never close, a fun- and sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel and an opportunity to mingle side-by-side with the artists in this incredibly fan-friendly scenario that has no comparison. It’s like everyone has a backstage pass. You might even need a vacation from this vacation when all is said and done!”

OK. Now imagine it’s about a year from now. The cruise was supposed to leave January 24, and return in four days. So, they should be back to shore by now. So here’s what we’ll be asking on January 28, 2011:

  • Is there anything left of the ship?
  • “70,000 Tons of Metal” — but what was the total tonnage of weed smuggled on board?
  • How many people went over the side, never to be seen again?
  • How many people were hospitalized along the way?
  • How many passengers are still in jail on Cozumel?
  • How many tourists signed up for this, thinking it was just a normal Caribbean cruise?
  • Did Amon Amarth eat any of those tourists?
  • Was the bilge big enough to hold all the projectile vomiting?
  • Did anyone actually go up on deck into the sunlight?
  • Have photos surfaced on the interwebs?

Can’t wait for January 28, 2011. Seriously.

UPDATE:  For our latest update on this cruise, go to this location.