Jun 132012

 (I manipulated Phro into reviewing the new album by Rumpelstiltskin Grinder, because I can. Ghostmaker will be released by Candlelight Records on June 19.)

Islander sent me Rumplestiltskin Grinder’s new album Ghostmaker for review. As with most things our Glorious Leader does, no one really knows why he wanted me of all people to review it. But I did. I thought I’d share the experience with you. It went something like this…


The night is dark like the eyes of a blind corpse. The cold air dangles its long fingers from the sky and runs them listlessly through your hair and over your skin. The sound of a dog whimpering and choking on something fatty in the distance is the only noise in your ears aside from your throbbing heart and timid footsteps.

In your right hand is a bucket of goat cocks, pig testicles, horse vaginas, and frog eyes. In your left hand is a small shovel. And in your hip pocket is a Swiss army knife, because your father told you to always be prepared. You forgot your flashlight, though, because, let’s face it, no one’s memory improves much after a few dozen shots of Jack Daniels. Fortunately, the moon is full, and its obese, pimply face, glistening like a glitter-covered Santa Clause climbing a few flights of stairs, sheds enough light for you to see.

You’ve been walking for a few minutes, having parked your car at the edge of the cemetery, but soon you see what you’ve come for. The headstone is simple and uninspiring, and the name is illegible in this light, but, let’s be honest, it matters little who lies beneath.

You set the bucket down, careful not to spill any of its contents, and begin digging a small hole. After a few minutes, a hole no bigger than your head lies gaping in the fresh soil. From your front pocket you pull out a portable music player, set it on the head stone, and press play. Continue reading »

Jun 092012

Rumpelstiltskin Grinder is a Pennsylvania band formed by current members of Absu, Woe, Azure Emote, Ashencult, Fucked Forever, Total Fucking Destruction, Smoker & the Rollers, and more. I have their last album, Living for Death, Destroying the Rest (2009), which I really enjoyed. Their new album Ghostmaker is set for release by Candlelight Records on June 19. The eye-catching cover art is by artist Mike Hrubovcak.

I’ve held off listening to our promo copy of Ghostmaker because I’m hoping Phro will review it for us so I can perceive the music through the gloss that Phro puts on it, and by gloss I mean that translucent sticky substance that turns crusty when it dries.

However, yesterday our friends at Stereokiller premiered Ghostmaker‘s title track, and I couldn’t resist giving it a listen while deciding what else I need to give Phro as a bribe for his review, other than the ebullient gratification that will come to him for pleasing me. And man oh man, is that song a sweet head-fucker. Continue reading »

Oct 012011

September is behind us. Here in Seattle, it was such a beautiful month that it seemed like nature’s compensation for how late the summer started. Unfortunately, with September’s end, we’re on a short track to the onset of winter, which means about six months of short, cold, grey, ceaselessly wet days. Ain’t that just fuckin’ great?

Well, bitchin’ about the winter ahead won’t change one fucking thing. I prefer to think instead about the deluge of new metal that’s headed our way and try (momentarily) to forget about the deluge of rain on the horizon. Which brings us to the latest monthly edition of METAL IN THE FORGE.

You know the drill:  In these posts, we collect news blurbs and press releases we’ve seen over the last month about forthcoming new albums from bands we know and like (including occasional updates about releases we’ve included in previous installments of this series), or from bands that look interesting, even though we don’t know their music yet. In this series, we cut and paste those announcements and compile them in alphabetical order.

Remember — this isn’t a cumulative list. If we found out about a new album before August, we wrote about it in previous installments of this series. So, be sure to check the Category link called “Forthcoming Albums” on the right side of this page to see forecasted releases we reported earlier. This month’s list begins right after the jump. Look for your favorite bands, or get intrigued about some new ones. As usual, also feel free to tell us about how we fucked up by omitting releases that you’re stoked about. Continue reading »