MALIAN RICHES AWAIT! (Chapter 2)

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  14 Responses »
Oct 262010
 

Last week we opened a new chapter in our correspondence with African emissaries who want to give us money.  The Nigerian/Ghana chapter seems to be over. No pre-funded ATM cards, big piles of cash, or bags of gold dust have ever arrived at the NCS island, and we’re hearing nothing but crickets from our original correspondents (all of whom have proven themselves to be no better than used toilet paper).

But as we reported last week, we heard from two women — one from Mali and one from Burkina Faso — who were attacked by the ravages of cancer, and whose experiences led them to offer me large sums of money, presumably because they are trve metalheads and appreciate all the awesome metalness this site has to offer.

As reported last week, I wrote back to both of them — one who survived cancer, and one (Ms. Sandra Luzy) who expected to end her race, perhaps even before my e-mail would reach her. So far, I’ve received no response from the Malian cancer survivor who is spending my money vacationing in Japan — but I did receive a message from the bank that the mortally stricken woman from Burkina Faso had appointed to funnel $4.5 million my way — assuming I was the first foreigner to apply for the money following her anticipated expiration.

But strangely, on the heels of that message, I received a different one from another bank in Burkina Faso offering what seems to be a completely different — though equally eye-popping — sum of money from another distant relative of mine who perished in a car crash.  As in the case of the late Dr. Phillip Waterman (he of the bag of gold dust), I’m having trouble placing the name of this relative, but the money involved is rapidly improving my memory. (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

MALIAN RICHES AWAIT!

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  15 Responses »
Oct 222010
 

What a fucking disappointment. Correspondence with my pen-pals from Nigeria and Ghana — those dual douchebags Robert Scott Dewar and John Morgan from the British High Commission in Abuja, and Mr. Kwaku Boafoh Agyeman — have petered out. My dreams of Grolsch-filled swimming pools and Roman forays to hear Fleshgod Apocalypse in person have dried up like desert flowers in the summer heat.

In other words, none of those duplicitous motherfuckers has seen fit to answer my latest e-mails. Sadly, it appears there will be no Chapter 3 to the saga of NIGERIAN RICHES AWAIT. (If none of this makes any sense to you, read this.)

But all is not lost! I have received new messages — heart-rending messages — from two women (one from Mali and one from Burkina Faso) whose personal catastrophes may yet yield for me riches beyond the dreams of avarice. There is still hope for the eleemosynary institution I plan to establish for deserving metal bands. There is still hope for the beer pool and for having FA provide the live metallic accompaniment to my daily existence. There is still hope!

Read for yourselves, and weep, at the tragic stories I received, and the ways in which I may profit from tragedy, and I will also share with you my answers to these two women.  (more dementia after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

NIGERIAN RICHES AWAIT (Chapter 2)

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  48 Responses »
Oct 152010
 

The saga of correspondence with my pen pals at the British High Commission office in Nigeria continues.  Plus, as you’ll see, I have a new pen pal now from another distant land.  To remind you where we left off in Chapter 1 (recounted in our previous post here):

I got an e-mail from someone identifying herself as Mrs. Bintu Mahmud asking me to contact her lawyer because of ” a very important thing ALLAH wants you to do for Him.”  I assumed Mrs. Mahmud had a direct channel to Allah and that He wanted us to review some of His new music, though I was a tad suspicious about that “call my lawyer” stuff.  So I questioned that — but Mrs. Mahmud didn’t answer right away.

Instead, the next thing I knew, I got an e-mail from one Robert Scott Dewar at the British High Commission in Abuja, Nigeria, explaining that because of the nefarious activities of African scammers, the sum of $850,000 had been earmarked to compensate people like me who had been victimized. Mr. Dewar promised to send me a pre-funded ATM card with the amount of my recompense, and all I had to do was send him a bunch of personal information about myself.

I thought that was a fucking decent thing to do, given how upset I was over having my hopes raised about getting to review Allah’s music and then being ignored by Mrs. Mahmud. So, I sent in my personal info, but expressed my belief that nothing less than $150,000 would adequately compensate me for my pain and suffering.

Four days later, I got an e-mail from another douchebag — correction, agent of the British High Commission — named John Morgan giving me an international telephone number to call in order to “do the needful” in order to have my pre-funded ATM card sent by DHL to my home address.

I was a bit pissed at this, since they had already told me I was going to get a pre-funded ATM card, but four days had come and gone without any ATM card, and now this douchebag — correction, consular agent — was telling me I had to incur international long-distance charges to “do the needful,” whatever the fuck that meant. So, I gave the dude a piece of my mind. I also told him the amount of my “needful” recompense was going up with each passing day.  (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

BLOWS HARD

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Oct 052010
 

[EDITOR’S PREFACE: We don’t usually publish band press releases on this site. We leave that kind of thing to Blabbermouth. But today we’re making an exception. We’ll explain why at the end of the release.]

Legendary thrash-polka-disco masters Blows Hard have reunited after a 15-year absence from the scene, to the delight of their legions of die-hard fans.

Originally formed in 1991, Blows Hard revolutionized the thrash-metal genre with their pioneering use of the accordion, castanets, old-school polka rhythms, and disco beats. The underground scene in Kenosha, Wisconsin was never the same again.

After honing their craft through four long years of tireless practice, in which the band members taught themselves to play all the instruments, except for the disco backing tracks, Blows Hard self-released their ground-breaking debut album, Corpse Insemination.

Since the original release of that acclaimed 1995 debut, all the band members have successfully pursued accomplished careers in the automotive repair, septic-tank pumping, yard maintenance, flea-market, and prison craft industries.

The group, whose line-up once again includes all five original members, including currently imprisoned bassist Cyrus “Cretin Bob” Menzes, plans to begin recording new material in the near future.

Not all the band’s original members chased their dreams exclusively outside the music industry after the release of Corpse Insemination. Robert “Connie” Slickshute, one of the world’s finest and most renowned transgendered vocalists, first released a solo record (as a Blows Hard side project) under the stage name “Butch Hardcock” entitled Assless Pants in 1993 and then another solo record as “Queen Freedom” titled Strapless Gowns in 1996.

Commented Blows Hard guitarist/castanetist “B.O. Bob” Shrake, “We’re stoked to see what we can do now as a sort-of-female-fronted band. As a result of the medical procedures, Queen can really hit the high notes, but she can still hit those gravelly lows as only a woman who was born as a man can do. It should be fucking rad.”  (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

NIGERIAN RICHES AWAIT!

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  12 Responses »
Sep 272010
 

When my comrades and I started this site last November, I set up an e-mail address to use for NCS-related stuff. It took about 6 months for the spam to start polluting my new in-box. I guess it’s remarkable that it took so long, but it’s now happening. Recently, I got a string of three e-mails in almost as many days that were so choice, both individually and in combination, that I just couldn’t resist answering them.

And now I can’t resist sharing the exchanges. This isn’t metal, but maybe you’ll find it amusing anyway, and we do have some musical accompaniment selected for the occasion. So, without further ado, here are those three messages I received, and my responses:

FIRST MESSAGE

From: Mrs. Bintu Mahmud <Bintumahmud@ymail.com>
Subject: **Assalamualaikum…..
Date: September 15, 2010 12:34:51 AM PDT

Assalamualaikum I am Mrs. Bintu Mahmud. Please contact my lawyer Ramli Sariman (ramlisariman@gala.net) for a very important thing ALLAH wants you to do for Him. May ALLAH be with you always.

REPLY:

Dear Mrs. Mahmud, thank you for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING and for your warm personal salutation, which I understand is a phonetic rendering of the Arabic greeting, “Peace be upon you”. I am all in favor of peace being upon me, and I’m sure the more people who say that to me, the more likely it will be to happen, especially when it comes from someone so obviously sincere and kind-hearted as you are, and with a direct channel to ALLAH.

We would be happy to listen to the new music, which I’m sure is fucking sick, and yes, we would be fucking stoked to write about the songs here at NCS, especially because it appears that ALLAH wants me to do that for Him.

Is this actually ALLAH’s music?  Because, y’know, if it is, I am really fucking stoked that He would pick our humble site out of all the metal blogs in metal blogdom to hear His latest sick tunes. Is it deathcore?   (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

THE SECRETS OF GROWLING AND SHRIEKING REVEALED!

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  8 Responses »
Aug 162010
 

You learn something new every day. You may not think you do, but you do.

Like on Friday, I learned that the German word for emptiness is “leere”. On Saturday, I learned that if you live in the Pacific Northwest and forgetfully leave your car window down overnight, spiders will move in and later drop on your arm while you’re driving, causing unexpected vehicular fun ‘n games. And yesterday, I learned the secrets of how extreme metal vocalists can shriek and growl really low without requiring hospitalization.

I’ve always wondered, and finally, after years of listening to non-clean singing, it now all becomes clear to me. It’s like some trade secret that finally leaked. And it turns out to be something that is easily duplicated. It just takes the right preparation and the right record producer (like Chris “Zeuss” Harris).

I’m not making this up. I learned it from a dude who ought to know — Adam Warren, who happens to be the frontman for deathcore heavyweights Oceano. It’s all in that video at the top of this post. It just takes sleeping ’til noon, some microwaved elixir, a little Lion King chord-stretching, and someone who can tell you which buttons to push.

Go ahead, see for yourself. The secrets are out. We won’t even charge you to watch. In the video, you can also see some spirited debate over whether “Contagion” is the kind of album title people will have to look up, as compared to a common street-word like, uh, “harbinger”.

Truly, Adam Warren is an engaging dude, and we can pretty much guarantee this thing will make you smile, even if you’re not an Oceano fan.  And while we’re on the subject of deathcore, word of a Whitechapel–Impending Doom–Miss May I–Oceano–I Declare War tour has leaked out. Details about that breaking news, plus an Oceano video, follow after the jump. Wonder what I’ll learn today? Continue reading »

MYSPAZZ

 IQ Subtraction  13 Responses »
Jul 212010
 

Not long after we launched this site, one of my sometimes collaborators (Alexis) thought it would be a good idea if we set up a MySpace page to increase our visibility (y’know, like from 3 readers up to maybe 5 or 6) and to reduce the opportunities for people to pirate our awesomely ingenious site name for their own nefarious ends (y’know, like using it to sell dick enlargements or herpes treatments).

So she set up a NO CLEAN SINGING page on MySpace. As it turns out, that was a good idea. Now we’re selling our own dick enlargements and herpes treatments.

Just kidding. It really has been beneficial, for reasons I’ll explain. But we’ve also had some unwanted consequences. To be specific, we get e-mails and strange friend requests via MySpace that we could really do without. But it occurred to us recently (as a result of comments following our “Miscellany No. 2” post) that we could have some fun with this shit (after the jump). Who knows, maybe you will have some fun with it too.

But first, a short list of things we like and don’t like about MySpazz:

LIKE

  • By becoming MySpace “friends” with bands we’re interesting in following, we get bulletins and notices of blog posts from them. That helps us keep track of their news efficiently. Sometimes that helps us think of things to write about on this site.
  • We can use MySpace to send bands e-mail messages. Sometimes, that’s the only way we can find to message bands when we have questions or requests, or to tell em about something we’ve written.
  • Having our own MySpace site provides a way for bands to make us aware of their music by sending us “add” requests. We’ve discovered (and written about) lots of bands we might not have discovered except for those add requests.
  • When people on MySpace add us as friends, they get alerts when we post new blog entries (though there are easier ways to get those alerts). Of course, readers can just make it a point to visit NCS every day, because we always put up something new here every day.
  • MySpace gives us a way to listen to a band’s music to see if we like it, and to find band photos and artwork to use in our posts.

(after the jump, things we don’t like, plus a sample MySpace message we recently received, and our proposed response . . .)

Continue reading »

BANGALORE CHOIR (plus a palate cleanser)

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  10 Responses »
Jul 182010
 

It seems like every week we read about the reunion of one band or another that we had long thought dead, with plans for new recordings, new tours, new hairdo’s. Sometimes, it’s good news. Sometimes, it’s just kinda sad. Sometimes, it’s funny (and sad).

Usually, we refrain from commenting on such developments. But we’re behind on what we had planned for today’s post, so we’re making an exception. To be brutally honest (which is the only kind of honest we know how to be here at NCS), this is filler.

Think of it as a rain delay. Your ticket will still be good tomorrow. But, if you would like a refund because all you’re getting today is filler, please send us a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and we will gladly refund every dime you paid us for the right to access this site.

From a “news” item we saw this morning on Blabbermouth:

“Cadence”, the new studio album from the reunited melodic hard rock band BANGALORE CHOIR, will be released on September 24 via Metal Heaven Records.

It has been 18 years since BANGALORE CHOIR‘s only release, “On Target”, on Giant Records in 1992, which came out on the same day as NIRVANA‘s “Nevermind”. Shortly after, BANGALORE CHOIR disbanded after being released from the label.

Really, we’re not making this up (and there’s more juice like this to come).  So, to start, everyone out there who remembers Bangalore Choir, raise your hands!  (more after the jump, including a video and a palate cleanser, which you will need if you make it to the end of this filler . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’s NOT MUSIC (No. 9): THE SCROTUM EDITION

 IQ Subtraction, Mosh Pit, That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  16 Responses »
Jul 142010
 

I don’t read the daily newspaper near as much as I used to.  At some point I realized that the daily news could make me feel good or it could make me feel bad, but there was almost nothing I could do about it. So without ever making a conscious decision, I subconsciously decided that I could better spend my time taking care of my family, enjoying my friends, and battering myself with massive amounts of metal.

So, basically, I became one of those jaded, self-absorbed people I used to detest.

But every now and then, without any rhyme or reason, I’ll check out the daily paper here in Seattle — which I did yesterday. And I found so many ass-ripping stories that if I were a religious person, I’d think the gods were sending me a signal — that it’s time for another installment of “That’s Metal!”, where we write about shit that provokes that exclamation, even though it’s not music. Not quite the magnitude of the burning bush, but still, enough to get me pounding the keyboard.

Most of today’s installment isn’t about “metal” things that inspire admiration. It’s mainly about people who engage in brain-dead activities that remind us of stage-divers who end their acrobatics with a face-plant into the concrete. You wince, but you still gotta throw some horns in honor of the sheer insanity, while also hoping that those people don’t turn out to be breeders.

And to top it off, our daily news involved stories about scrotum damage.  Admit it, there are few things better than scrotal humor, except possibly vaginal humor.  And as a bonanza, we found some vaginal humor, too.  (yeah, all the details are after the jump, of course . . . .) Continue reading »

MEGADICK (TO THE MAX)

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  10 Responses »
Jul 052010
 

Against my better judgment and most of my principles, two days ago I watched the video of the “Big Four” performing on stage together in Sofia, Bulgaria on June 22. In fairness to me, it’s not like I searched for it. I was just scrolling through the latest drivel on Blabbermouth, looking for the occasional item of interest that does occasionally lurk within the drivel, and there it was. All I had to do was click the “play” button.

Still, I paused.   A long time.   For one thing, although I still like Slayer (and “like” is about all the enthusiasm I can muster), Metallica, Megadeth, and Anthrax have no current relevance to me. The fact that they broke major ground once upon a time doesn’t mean it makes sense for me to listen to their music today, when there are so many other bands I’d rather hear. For another thing, I wasn’t a slobbering fan of most of those bands even when they were current.

And for a final thing, I’ve just grown sick to death of reading about this whole “Big Four” tour. For purposes of this NCS blog, I feel compelled to keep up with current events in metaldom, but to hunt for things that really do interest me, I’ve had to pass through a fecal waterfall of interviews, press releases, and blogger babble about this fucking tour. Enough already!

And for a final, final thing, I knew if I watched the damn video I’d have to see Dave Mustaine.

But I watched it anyway. And as jaded as I am about these bands and this tour, I did get a mild thrill out of seeing all four of them on stage playing together. Certainly not because of the music, because “Am I Evil?” is a forgettable song, and no one in this performance went out of their way to turn it into something better.

That was two days ago. And then yesterday came, and I saw a transcription of an interview Dave Mustaine gave on July 1 in Vienna, and I was vividly reminded all over again why that guy makes me wanna projectile vomit and why I should have passed right over that video without pressing play.    (unfortunately, there’s more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

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