Off Topic Archives - Page 14 of 14

A MASSIVE FLOW OF BULLSHIT

Jun 102010

We don’t read The Onion except when when one of our buds sends us a link — which happened yesterday. The piece we read has nothing to do with metal, but it’s just too fucking perfect not to share. If you’ve already seen it, we’ve got another new post today below this one about a creepy new music video from a band called Criminal. If you’ve already seen that one, well, I guess we’re just shit out of luck for today. Anyway, without further introduction, here’s that piece from The Onion, which appeared under the headline, “MASSIVE FLOW OF BULLSHIT CONTINUES TO GUSH FROM BP HEADQUARTERS.”

LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.

The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.

“Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water.”

Hayward’s comments fueled fears that the spouting of overwhelmingly thick and slimy bullshit may never subside. (more after the jump, including some ghastly photos . . .) Continue reading »

COAL SHIP CLUSTERFUCK

Mosh Pit, Off Topic No Responses »

Apr 072010

We thought it was time for an update on The 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise. We’ve had so much fun with this thing (e.g., here and here) and are just counting the days until January 2011 when it limps back into port at Miami with chaos in its wake.

But just as we were checking the interwebz for updated info last weekend, we came across a few other stories about coal and China that gobsmacked us. They’ve got nothing to do with metal, and they’re only tangentially related to “70,000 Tons of Metal.” Actually, even “tangential” is stretching it. About the only connection is that the first story involves shipping clusterfuckery, and we suspect “70,000 Tons of Metal” will turn into a clusterfuck, too, though in a fun-loving, binge-and-purge kind of way.

So, before we give you an update on “70,000 Tons of Metal” (which we really will do), allow us to vent a little about those gobsmacking stories we saw.

First Item: According to this report, a large Chinese freighter carrying 72,000 tons of coal (not 70,000 Ton of Metal) ran aground late Saturday on a section of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. The Shen Neng 1 crashed into the reef at full speed a few hours after leaving the port of Gladstone, Australia, on its way to China. When that happened, it was nine miles outside its authorized shipping lane, according to Australian authorities. And those same authorities reported that the ship is in danger of breaking apart.

So, what’s the big deal, you may ask? You’re thinking that coal doesn’t leak. True, but a ship this large carries a shitload of fuel — 1,000 tons of it, to be more precise. (read on after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

HELLS BELLS, IT’S OPENING DAY!

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Apr 052010

In varying degrees of intensity, your three NCS Co-Authors are all baseball fans. And for baseball fans, today is a magical day, just as it is every year, because today is Opening Day of the Major League Baseball season. (Yeah, we know the fucking Yankees played the fucking Red Sox last night — and they’re welcome to each other — but that didn’t make yesterday “Opening Day”).

The slate of the preceding season is wiped clean, all things are new, and all things are possible. Of course, none of that is really true, but it’s the fate of diehard baseball fans to get their hopes up as Opening Day approaches, even when the rational part of their brains tells them to wise-the-fuck-up.

And so it goes here in Seattle. Our beloved but hapless Mariners had an unexpectedly improved season in 2009, the team was upgraded (at least on paper) in the off-season, and we’re hoping for bigger and better things this year (while trying to ignore the truly sucky offensive showing in spring training).

Off the top of our heads, we don’t know of any extreme metal songs about baseball to commemorate this occasion. Do you? But one association between baseball and metal does come to mind, so we’ll go with that. (see what we mean, after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

DUBIOUS HONOR

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Apr 012010

Reign in Blonde is a wonderful metal blog produced by two women (Elise and Julia), with assistance from a more-or-less regular guest contributor (Angela). I’ve been visiting that site every day for most of the last year. Along with Metal Sucks, it was the blog that inspired us to start our own. If perchance you’ve never visited RiB, quit fucking around and do it.

At the beginning of this year, RiB started a new tradition called “Panty Raid!” They issued an open invitation to people with testicles to submit metal-related guest posts, and they’ve picked one each month to feature and praise on their WALL OF PAIN. Because I like RiB, because I’m a compulsive, Type-A, competitive asshole, and because I have testicles, I fell for it.

So, beginning a couple months ago I started writing a few words here and there when I had nothing more pressing or interesting to do (i.e., most days). I pretended I was a psychoanalyst, trying to infer stuff about the 3 contributors to RiB based exclusively on what they wrote there. And as the months passed, the thing grew and grew, like a bad case of crotch-rot. I finally decided to stop, because the piece had gotten completely out of hand. (read on, after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

A WHITER SHADE OF PALE

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Mar 182010

Guess this is turning into an “off topic” day. First we had to rant about Axl Rose, and now we feel like writing about Procul Harum. We’ll get back to extreme metal tomorrow, with a little something about yet another unsigned band that’s kidnapped our heads.

For those of you who don’t live in the U.S. or who just don’t bother with anything on TV, House is an off-beat, black-humored medical drama about a borderline sociopathic doctor (Gregory House) who heads a crack diagnostic team at a hospital in New Jersey. We like it because it’s off-beat, black-humored, and borderline sociopathic.

At the end of this week’s episode, House’s colleague and sometimes roommate (Wilson) buys an organ for the house where they live. House’s face lights up like a Christmas tree as he sits down and starts noodling on the keyboard. What he begins to play is a song called “A Whiter Shade of Pale,” and as the scene fades to black, the music segues from House’s noodling to the actual song, which then fades out way too soon. (more after the jump, including that song . . .) Continue reading »

WHISKEY IN THE JAR (REPRISE)

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Mar 172010

Did you think we would forget what day it is? For shame! Of course we know. It’s the day when everyone is entitled to be Irish from sun-up until blackout.

We thought about what we might do to celebrate the day (besides getting shit-faced as soon as possible). And then it dawned on us that we had already prepared the perfect St. Patrick’s Day commemoration.We just ran it on this site about two months too soon.

So we decided to just run the fucking thing again, because it is indeed perfect. And because even if you’ve been reading our blather for the last two months, you’ve probably already forgotten the earlier post. You are, after all, metalheads.

And so, to start again. My favorite Metallica song isn’t one that would come to mind for most people. It’s an Irish folk song that’s been around for about 400 years called “Whiskey in the Jar.” It tells the story of a highwayman who robs a military or government official and is then betrayed by his wife (or lover — not clear which) and goes to prison for his trouble. And ain’t that the luck o’ the fuckin’ Irish for ye?

Metallica’s version of the song retains the traditional lyrics and the basic melody, but puts Metallica’s heavy, hard-driving force behind it — and James Hetfield‘s vocals are outstanding.

The song is so catchy and has been around for so long that lots of people have recorded it. A couple years ago I tracked down different versions of the song as kind of a musical experiment, to trace the evolution of music over time, and more specifically to see how different musical genres have made this old song their own. It was a very cool experience, and one worth sharing on this drunken day.

So, after the jump, you can see the lyrics; they vary a bit, and we’re giving you the version Metallica used. And then, moving forward in time, you can stream performances of “Whiskey in the Jar” by this group of legendary bands: Irish folk band The Dubliners (circa 1967), Irish rockers Thin Lizzy (1973), Irish punk band The Pogues (playing with the Dubliners) (1990), and finally Metallica (1998). Hope you’ll get really wasted and give it a try.

And to repeat our appeal from the earlier post: It’s time for a fucking death metal band to record this song!

COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC

Movie Reviews, Off Topic 2 Responses »

Mar 022010

A couple of your NCS Co-Authors saw the movie Crazy Heart this weekend, to find out what the hubbub was all about, and we thought it was amazingly good. The story and the acting are compelling, and the music is stunning. So although it’s got nothing (much) to do with metal, we need to write about it.

In a widely (and rightly) praised performance, Jeff Bridges plays a legendary country music performer named Bad Blake who has slid far down the back side of his career. He tours the Southwest out of the back of a rusting SUV, playing bowling alleys and bars with pickup bands, suffusing himself on a daily basis with clouds of cigarette smoke and a flood of whiskey, and satisfying his meager need for companionship with the occasional, pointless one-night stand.

Broke, alcoholic, overweight, nearing 60, with four failed marriages behind him and a grown son with whom he’s had no contact in 20 years, Bad Blake has nearly succeeded in flushing his career and his life down the toilet. He’s not very likable and seems stuck on a dead-end road to oblivion that he has mapped for himself.

On the other hand, though resentments and frustrations surface, Blake doesn’t wallow in self-pity, nor do we see much of the narcissism that seems to survive in many celebrities when all legitimate reason for self-regard has long since left the house. For Blake, this is simply his life, as it has become. It is what it is, and he simply wants to get on with it.

Beyond those meager saving graces of his personality, we see something else admirable: Even when stumbling in an alcoholic haze, he can still bring it on stage — with allowances for the occasional mid-set rush into an alleyway to puke his guts out in the nearest garbage can. (more after the jump, including some music to stream . . .) Continue reading »

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