NOW, IF HE HAD LOST HIS MIDDLE FINGER, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  13 Responses »
Jul 082011
 

I just took my usual mid-day break at work to check up on doings in the world of metal, just to see if something earth-shaking had happened while I was droning away, something that would be of such vital interest to NCS readers that I’d need to post about it. No such luck. But I did find this (thank you Blabbermouth):

Guitarist Tim Carley of U.K. punk-infused death metallers THE ROTTED severed the top of his finger yesterday (Wednesday, July 6) when a 60-kilogram flight case fell on it from a van. Tim received treatment in hospital to remove the damaged parts of the finger, including the nail and the torn flesh. The doctors then sewed the remaining parts back together. The incident has left the top of Tim‘s bone unattached to the rest of his finger, which the doctors have said in time will heal.

In a statement, Tim said, “The doctors have told me it will take at least 10 weeks to heal. When I asked her if I could still play the guitar, she replied ‘I’ve heard your records, and to be honest, I can’t see this making much difference.’

Laughed my fucken ass off when I got to that last sentence. But wait! There’s more, including video!  (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

SO, HOW DO YOU LIKE OUR NEW SITE BANNER?

 IQ Subtraction  30 Responses »
Jun 152011
 

This was designed by our buddy Phro as a kind of mock-up for something more permanent. It appears Phro has some modest graphics skillz in addition to . . . uh . . . his other talents.

I’m going back and forth in my mind about whether to make this sub-heading permanent. On the one hand, it has “Big Jugs” in it, which is bound to be a draw. We’d probably get more readers from people searching for porn sites. More readers is a good thing, right? On the other hand, there actually does seem to be a thing called Big Jugs Monthly, and so we’d probably get sued for trademark infringement. Also, I doubt many NCS patrons have ever perused The New Yorker magazine, so there’s that. What do you think?

As to where this idea came from, it’s all Phro. It evolved from a comment thread on a recent introductory post for a possible new NCS series called OLD SCHOOL / NEW SCHOOL. I asked whether people would be interested in seeing more installments of that series, and that led to an exchange with Phro, which you can see after the jump. So, I really can’t claim any credit. And why would I want to? Continue reading »

I LOVE ZOMBIES, DEATH METAL, CATS, AND DEATH METAL, THOUGH NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER

 IQ Subtraction, RANDOM FUCKING MUSIC  21 Responses »
Jun 132011
 


I love many things. I will not name all of them today, because I don’t want to get too personal. I will just name a few of them, so you will feel like you know me better. That way, we can become closer friends, and perhaps do some internet bonding. If I told you all the things I love, this would take a long time, and we might not be friends after I was finished, because maybe some of the things I love would repulse you. Probably not, but I feel it’s better to stick with the things that you’re likely to love as much as I do.

Like zombies. Everyone loves zombies, right? Or at least, everyone loves the idea of zombies. I don’t know anyone who has actually met a zombie. It’s possible that if I met an actual zombie, I would not love it. I would instead be trying to stop it from eating my brain. I think it would be difficult to love something that was trying to eat my brain. I do like certain intoxicants, and from what I understand, many of them are slowly eating my brain, a few cells at a time. But a zombie would want to eat the whole thing, in a hurry. So, I think you can only love a zombie that you don’t personally know, like love in a very abstract way.

I love death metal, too. I basically love all flavors of death metal. I just wanna hug all of death metal — I know it’s crazy, I can’t hug all of death metal, but I just want to! I have a particular weakness for really ill, old-school, super-downtuned, spinning-chainsaw death metal — the kind that goes well with zombies. Actually, to be precise, the kind played by, for, and about zombies. Everyone likes that kind of music, right? So, confessing this kind of love should make me more popular. And since I have a new video from Puteraeon for you that pretty much epitomizes this kind of music, I’ll be, like, the most popular person in your life!

I love cats, too, and cats love me, so you should, too. Many people like cats. Some people like them with a very intense feeling. I have video evidence of that. Watching this video makes me feel like a more normally balanced person. I think it will make you feel that way, too. I think this is why people sometimes enjoy watching unbalanced people, because it makes you feel more balanced, even when you secretly think you’re as unbalanced as your checkbook. The video also inspired me to write this post.

Did I mention that I love death metal? I love it when it has a blackened crust, because I am loving black metal more all the time, too. I have found a new song by Thromdarr that I love. I think you will love it, too. If you don’t, then you probably aren’t someone I would love, except in a very abstract way. (more sharing and bonding after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

OLD SCHOOL / NEW SCHOOL

 IQ Subtraction, RANDOM FUCKING MUSIC  22 Responses »
Jun 092011
 

Welcome to the first, and possibly last, edition of a feature we’re calling OLD SCHOOL / NEW SCHOOL.  I usually run on at the mouth in introducing posts around here, but for this one, I’m just gonna let you figure out the theme for yourselves. Given the title we’re using for this series, it seemed fitting to begin with the following contrast. (Don’t worry, there will be music after the jump.)

OLD SCHOOL

NEW SCHOOL

(yeah, more after the jump . . .)

Continue reading »

RICHES FROM THE NETHERLANDS AWAIT!

 IQ Subtraction  5 Responses »
Apr 262011
 

I want to start this post with an important update. You may remember that the last offer I received from a faraway place for big truckloads of folding green came from Mr. Pascal Akossa of the Cal Merchant Bank in Ghana. You don’t remember? Come on, how could you forget Mr. Akossa, the dude who was “enchanted” to converse with me by e-mail about the chance to give me $10.5 million and assured me that I should “not nurse any atom of fear” because all the arrangements had already been made for “the smooth transfer” of all that fuckin’ money into my bank account. You still don’t remember? Well, go here to see my correspondence with Mr. Akossa.

Anyways, here’s the important update: Mr. Akossa hasn’t written me back yet. Also, he hasn’t transferred any part of that $10.5 million to my bank. Fuckin’ douchebag, I hope he dies from a massive rectal hemorrhage. Wait, I don’t really mean that. Maybe a case of incurable incontinence, but not actual death.

But I don’t need his money any more, because over the weekend I received an offer from The Netherlands that makes his $10.5 million look like chump change. Yeah, now I’ve got the chance to lay hands on $18,500,000! Man, when it comes to handing out the folding green, the Dutch don’t fuck around. After the jump, you can see the message and my prompt reply. It’s now just a matter of days, perhaps hours, before I can kiss my day job good-by and start living the life of the richest metal blogger the world has ever seen . . . Continue reading »

PHRO’S FUN LIST OF SUMMER FESTIVAL BAND NAMES

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  9 Responses »
Apr 102011
 

(At least half of our posts for the next two weeks will be from a variety of guest contributors. For some demented reason, I picked this one to start off. It’s from our loyal reader Phro, an American living and working in Japan. The same day I got this from him, I also saw the new MetalSucks t-shirt, which is not only awesome, but (as you’ll see) it also fits uncannily with Phro’s post. By the way, if you have a weak stomach or any kind of sense of propriety, proceed at your own risk.)

Hi. My name is Phro, and I’m here to give you a list of the summer metal tours I found.

More importantly, I’ll be telling you what each band’s name really means. To give you a fair warning, all of them have something to do with octopus porn/orgies. I have no idea why. There’s clearly something wrong with the metal community. All of you sickos need to stop having sex with octopuses!!!

First up: the Rockstar Mayhem Festival! I’m pretty sure no one here will be terribly interested in this festival, but it was the first one to pop up on Google. And no one can thwart the will of the mighty Google, not even an inky, cum-covered tentacle.

Band names and their meanings (in relation to octoporn):  (after the jump, because the thought of putting this right on the NCS home page made your editor queasy) Continue reading »

RICHES FROM GHANA AWAIT!

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  8 Responses »
Apr 012011
 

Even for people as gullible as me, the trials of harsh experience can produce a thimbleful of wisdom.

As I’ve recounted in these pages, people from all over the world (okay, mainly from Africa) have written me with offers of pre-funded ATM cards, wire-transfers of vast sums of money, bags of gold dust, boxes of cash, and more. Those messages have come from British bureaucrats, orphans on the run from murderous uncles, ovarian cancer survivors, bank officers, you name it. Sometimes, they’ve discovered I’m the sole survivor of dead relatives I never knew I had.

I took them at their word. I promptly wrote back to every one of these people, trying to do my part to make possible the delivery of wealth into my hands, so that I might fulfill grand projects that would turn NCS from a half-assed metal blog into a global empire of awesomeness. And every one of the slimy motherfuckers has failed to deliver. And yes, I’ve learned something from these hope-crushing experiences: Don’t trust anyone offering you money if they don’t know what Fleshgod Apocalypse is.

But, I confess, hope springs eternal. And an e-mail I received just this week from a dude in Ghana has revived my hopes. It’s just so eloquently written that I know something good will come of it. Plus, I think this is the biggest offer of cash I’ve yet received. After the jump, the message I got and my heart-felt reply to it. Continue reading »

FILLER

 IQ Subtraction  16 Responses »
Mar 192011
 

I just woke up. My head feels like it has been converted into a storage facility for the spent fuel rods used in nuclear reactors. I did not finish today’s post before having my fun last night. I will finish it as soon as the room stops spinning around like a centrifuge. In the meantime, do what these creatures are doing:

REVELATIONS

 IQ Subtraction  43 Responses »
Mar 182011
 

The time has come. I’ve decided to expose myself. No, not like this dude. I mean, it’s time to expose my face, time to show everyone what I really look like. And yes, that’s me up above with my cat.

For months now, I’ve received a surging torrent of e-mails from NCS fans asking for a photo of my face, not just the icon of my inked arms that I use for comments, which some people think is unfriendly and off-putting. Many correspondents have wondered if I even have a head at all. Actually, all of those people were asking if I had a brain, but I’m interpreting those questions as asking for a head-and-shoulders shot.

Many other people have written to ask that I post a photo of my cat, since I mention him so often in NCS posts and comments. I thought the photo up above was a good pose, because my cat has a habit of climbing up on my shoulders when I’m trying to write at the keyboard. He also has a habit of drinking from my water glass when I’m not paying attention and walking across my keyboard and entering random commands that I then can’t figure out how to un-do, or sometimes just deleting what I’ve spent hours writing. He also throws up a lot. But I didn’t think a shot of me cleaning up cat vomit would be as appealing.

He’s not a popular breed of cat. The coat is kind of rough, and they eat a lot, plus they intimidate some people. But I can tell you from personal experience they make really affectionate pets and they’re good with children, especially if you don’t like children. All it takes is for them to bite off a visiting child’s foot just the one time and you won’t have to worry ever again about your friends bringing their kids over for a visit. Awesome.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the photo of me. Some of you may be thinking that’s a photo of Robert Pattinson, but it’s not. That dude is in such demand after the big Twilight cultural explosion that he can’t be everywhere he needs to be, so I stand in for him every now and then. Dude gets bored having his picture taken anyway, and it puts the extra cheddah in my pocket that I need to keep NCS going, so it’s a win-win situation for both of us. (unfortunately, there is more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

WHAT WE IMAGINE WENT DOWN AT THE OSLO CENTRAL STATION BURGER KING (AND WOULD WHOEVER TOOK KVELERTAK’S PASSPORTS PLEASE GIVE THEM THE FUCK BACK!)

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  12 Responses »
Mar 062011
 

A conversation among the members of Kvelertak
Friday night, March 4, 2011
The Burger King, Oslo Central Station
Oslo, Norway

(translated from the Norwegian)

Vidar: “Did you get me the Double Whopper with cheese like I asked?”

Erlend: “Of course dude. You think I’m a fuckin’ moron? Just cuz we’re eatin’ in an American fast-food shithole doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly become as stupid as Americans who eat this kind of food.”

Marvin: “Do we really have time to eat? Shouldn’t we be moving our asses onto the train? I really don’t wanna miss this flight to the U.S. I’m so stoked about this tour!”

Erlend: “Fuckin’ chill, dude. Our flight doesn’t leave for two hours. We got plenty of time. We can carbo-load here at the BK, catch the train to the airport, and be on board with time to spare.”

Kjetil: “I can’t believe we’re about to eat all this shit. Erlend, you do this every time you smoke a bowl. It’s like some kind of special BK blend of weed. You smoke up, and then you make a straight line for the nearest Whopper. Fuck, since we got the Statoil prize, we can afford decent food. Cheap-ass motherfucker.”

Erlend: “Fuck you bro. No way am I gonna sit on that fuckin’ airplane for 9 or 10 hours without gettin’ my smoke on.”

Bjarte: “Erlend, man, you got the passports?”

Erlend: “Of course, I’ve got the fuckin’ passports. You sound like my mom. They’re right here . . . wait . . . fuck! WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ BACKPACK!!!”  (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

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