THE LINDGREN DIET

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  43 Responses »
Aug 302011
 

If you’re like me, you could stand to shed a few unwanted pounds. You get in the habit of drinking a few too many beers on a regular basis, you let your diet go to hell, you sit on your ass for too many hours every day, and before you know it your previously sleek self with the body that made members of the opposite sex, or the same sex, pant after you like dogs in heat has become something that causes you to get rid of all the bathroom mirrors.

But don’t abandon hope! You, too, can have a body like Ola Lindgren, the only constant member of Grave, the legendary Swedish death-metal band. Lindgren is somewhere in his 40s and undoubtedly has decades of crap food and heavy drinking behind him. But that hasn’t stopped Lindgren from staying in fighting trim, with sculpted abs and the kind of body-fat percentage that would make a marathoner jealous.

Some of you would probably guess that Lindgren stays in shape by burning thousands of calories performing on stage in a rigorous touring schedule. But that would be wrong. You don’t have to be a popular death metal musician and vocalist to stay in shape. All it takes is the right diet.

And now, for the first time, Ola Lindgren has revealed the secrets of staying trim in the underground metal scene, with daily diet regimens that will take off those unwanted pounds and keep them off! Yes, you too can have a body like Ola Lindgren’s, and all you have to do is subscribe to “Lindgren’s Health Blog 666”. (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

NCS T-SHIRT UPDATE

 IQ Subtraction  64 Responses »
Aug 242011
 

Well now, when you offer to send people free t-shirts, the least you can do is give them an update, so they don’t think you’re just fuckin’ with them after a too-late night in the neighborhood watering hole.

If we were a really top-flight, professional web site that had discovered ways of milking our traffic for actual monetary gain, we’d have our shit together. We’d already have the fuckin’ shirts made and in the mail. However, as I think I’ve made clear, we’re just a broke-down, jake-leg, half-assed labor of love created by an impulsive cretin (me) plus some other people who actually have a brain but remarkably still send me writings to publish. With no advertising, because, well . . just fuck that raw.

That means that we’re not a smoothly functioning, well-oiled machine. We don’t yet have a contract with a shirt-screen-printer to make the shirts we’re giving away, because we spend too much time listening to music and not enough time making arrangements to print shirts. BUT, we’re pretty damned close to getting that part of this project done.

The main point I want to convey is that WE DON’T FUCKIN’ LIE WHEN IT COMES TO MASSIVE WALL OF PENIS! We WILL be sending the shirts out. Just give us a little more time. By the way, remarkably enough, we still haven’t maxed out on our limit of 100 shirts. So, if you think your gramma wants a shirt with Cephalopodic Sperm Packets right on the front for her birthday (and what else can you think of to give your gramma for birthday?), hit us up.

And, y’know, if she wants a shirt with Sperm Howitzer on the front, you’ll just have to tell her to be patient. It will come. That will be the next shirt. Tell her it’s a reason to live.

ONE HANDED SKULL CRUSHING

 Album Reviews, IQ Subtraction  39 Responses »
Aug 162011
 

My body is a temple. I keep it clean, well-toned, and free of toxic pollutants. I smoke no more than one pack of cigarettes a day, except when I smoke two. I don’t drink enough to float an aircraft carrier, only enough to float a battleship. I eat only free-range pizza and I make sure to include plenty of fruits and vegetables in my daily diet; I make sure to get my bacon double-cheeseburgers with the lettuce and tomato, and Red Vines have fruit in them, right? Someone told me that once.

And as for the body-toning, I lift weights. I’m like the epitome of an addicted gym rat. I lift on a regular schedule, pumping iron like a boss once every six months. And you know what I listen to when I’m bending the bars with massive stacks of iron? Sure you do — evil fucking death metal. I don’t know about you, but I like to make the lifting sessions even more brutal by stacking the bars with the eviscerated corpses of emo scenesters.

And now I’ve found the perfect musical accompaniment for those days in the gym when I make even semi-pro weightlifters gasp in awe at my clean-and-jerk: A four-song EP called The Dumbell Murders by a project fittingly called One Handed Skull Crushing — three metalheads who met at the gym and were united in their anger toward all posers who lift weights to MCR.

One of the dudes behind the skull-crushing is an NCS reader from Gothenburg, Sweden, who finally decided to share with me the year-old fruits of this brutal side project. And it’s such a perfect accompaniment for brutal, emo-hating, iron-pumping gym sessions that I talked him into letting us host a free download of this mutha, with the lyrics included in the download file — because the eloquent lyrics are really what make this musical extravaganza so captivating.  Like these inspirational words from the song “Corpse Lifting”:  (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“I LOVE NOCLEANSINGING.COM!”

 IQ Subtraction  45 Responses »
Aug 132011
 

The title of this post, in addition to being the thought that I know is uppermost in all your minds right now, was the subject line of an e-mail that arrived in my e-mail in-box at 3:14 p.m. PDT yesterday afternoon. Just looking at that subject line brightened me up instantly. It was from Clara Stevenson, a name I didn’t recognize, but because it was a female name, I got doubly brightened up. I opened the e-mail with eager anticipation. And read this:

Hi!

I really enjoyed reading through your collection of resources on https://www.nocleansinging.com/2011/08/04/thats-metal-but-its-not-music-no-43-the-blue-fucking-angels/. I became interested in chef careers after I was assigned to do research on the field, specifically about the average compensation range for chefs and pastry chefs.

After my research was finished, I ended up producing a graph to better visualize the average chef’s salary: http://www.pastryschools.net/career-and-salary. I thought I might pass along the graph, as it would fit in well with your resources. Adding a link to your website would greatly benefit both your readers and your site.

Best,

Clara Stevenson clara@pastryschools.net

Uh huh. I immediately replied to Clara, as follows:  (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

T-SHIRT UPDATE (IS MWOP SCARING PEOPLE AWAY?)

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  56 Responses »
Aug 112011
 

On Sunday we launched a free NCS t-shirt campaign. I realize that Sunday’s aren’t the best days to launch campaigns, except maybe for surprise military attacks, but I did this as I do almost everything in life, i.e., completely on impulse. Which is to say, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking it through. Nevertheless, I anticipated that the orders for these babies would roll in like a flood tide and we’d max out by Monday morning. I mean, come on! The shirt is free, and we’re even paying for the shipping. All I asked was that people wear them. Now, who wouldn’t get up on that deal?

Well, a lot of people did e-mail me on Sunday asking for a shirt, and more e-mails have arrived since then. We had a noticeable up-tick after we posted Phro’s review of the FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE TOUR‘s inaugural show in Humptulips, since the shirt features the tour poster. But still, we offered to give away this shirt to the first 100 U.S. and Canadian residents who asked for one, and as of yesterday, we were only about halfway there. This caused my brow (what little of it there is) to furrow. It just didn’t make sense.

So, I went back and read through e-mails I’ve received about the shirt, and I began to get an inkling of the problem. A few older metalheads, including one of my friends, complimented me on the shirt design, but said they had small kids and didn’t think it would be a good idea to wear the shirt around them. On the other end of the age spectrum, a few people still living with their parents had some concerns about how mom and dad would react. At first, this didn’t make sense to me. I went and looked again at the tour poster.

It’s colorful, and who doesn’t enjoy colorful things? It includes a picture of a brain, and that promotes . . . uh . . . it promotes braininess, which is good, right? It also includes a syringe, which is what I use to get most of my nutrients, so it’s a nutritional shirt, too. Plus, it’s got the word FUCKING on there, and who doesn’t like a good fuck (or at least the idea of a good fuck)?

So, I pondered, what could the problem be? I stared at the poster a long time and thought really hard about it. By the time my headache went away, I had figured out the problem: MASSIVE WALL OF PENIS! (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

NOTES FROM THE UNDERGROUND

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  19 Responses »
Aug 092011
 

(I intended to write my own review of the inaugural show of THE FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE TOUR, but I was blinded by a money shot from one of the Cephalopodic Sperm Packets’ Super Soakers and spent the rest of the show in the ER of the Humptulips Trauma Unit as medics used a cornucopia of solvents trying to remove sticky white stuff from my corneas. Fortunately, Phro was on hand and provided this report.)

As the lights dimmed in the crowded VFW hall of Humptulips, Washington, the throng of metalheads reached maximum thronginess.  It was like being trapped inside of grandma’s underwear right after a healthy dose of Mexican food.  Definitely a place you wanted to be, but still not entirely comfortable.  I even got some smelly splooge on me, though I have no idea where it came from…

Anyway, doors opened at 5:30, but when I got there at 4:00, there was already a 200-yard long line.  Lorises in full black-metal regalia darted in and out of the line, supplying patrons with food, drinks, assorted tour memorabilia and pee/poop bottles.  I noted down a memo to myself to ask Mr. Lander what he did with all the waste material, but I ended up finding the answer out later during the show.  But more about your mother’s fat ass later!  Zing!  (No, but really, what did you do with all that filth, Mr. Lander?)

The doors, amazingly enough, actually DID open at 5:30, and the hall was filled to capacity by 5:45, with nary a soul bitching about not being able to see.  It was like I’d died and gone to heaven!  But there weren’t any naked Valkyries with tentacles, leather wings and dildo swords, so we’ll just assume it was nothing more than a masterfully planned show.  (much more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

GUILT ASSUAGEMENT

 IQ Subtraction  34 Responses »
Aug 072011
 

OK, yes, I feel like a dick. There is no actual NCS tour (at least not yet), merely my own hair-brained idea of humor. I could have just put up that spoof post today with no advance teasing, and everyone would have seen it for what it was, eventually, and maybe gotten a chuckle or two out of it. But no, I had to be a dick and put up a facebook status hinting that we would have news today of a tour sponsorship.

And that led to lots of heartwarming “likes” and comments and e-mail messages from people who thought this would be real and were genuinely excited and happy for us that we were sponsoring a tour. Fuck. I should have known.

So I’ve been feeling guilty over the last 48 hours over my dickishness. Guilt, for me, is a powerful motivator, and so I’ve been thinking of how I could assuage my guilty feelings. I came up with this idea, which does make me feel better, though “dickwad” may still remain my new name in the minds of many.

We are going to create and give away 100 black t-shirts with the fake tour poster you see up above on the front of the shirt (and a big thank-you to Dan Arena of Dormition Designs, the poster’s creator, for permission to do this). Yes, I said give away — we’re even paying the shipping charges. Details about how to get one of the shirts follows the jump. Continue reading »

WE SPONSOR OUR FIRST TOUR! GET EXCITE!

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  22 Responses »
Aug 072011
 

Here’s the news you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Sponsoring tours is old hat to big-boy metal sites like MetalSucks, but it’s a dream come true for us. We are so fucking proud to announce the first-ever NCS-sponsored nationwide metal tour, which kicks off on September 1 — and man, have we lined up some radical acts for this baby. It’s like a dream line-up for us, headlined by the awesome, penetrating extremity that is Massive Wall of Penis.

Some of these names may not be as familiar to you as MWOP, but trust us, from top to bottom, this bill is as strong as a big, stiff . . . uh . . . thing of stiffness. We’ve got those masters of old-school Swe-death, Thor’s Uterus. We’ve got the dominatrix-fronted grind of Trollcock Fetish. We’ve got the tentacle-metal of Raging Hectocotylus (the actual multi-orifice penetration on stage is not to be missed).

And let’s not forget about the brutal death metal served up by the inimitable Putrid Fugue, who refuse to bathe beginning a month before a tour starts until a month after it ends and eat nothing but cold canned chili on the road. Fans have been known to faint from the stench when these dudes take the stage!

We’ve also got that demented Pink Floyd cover band, Dildo Resin. If you haven’t heard their tech-death take on “Dark Side of the Moon”, you’re in for a fucken treat. And to get these shows off on the right foot, we’ve scored Cephalopodic Sperm Packets as the opening act, with their namesake fluid sound of dank, sticky, Neurosis-style sludge and their projectile fluid canisters to get the moshpit good and lubed up for the remaining acts.

Trust us, this tour will blow your shit away. Check the schedule after the jump to find the tour stop nearest you. Continue reading »

DICKS, BALLS, AND CUM

 IQ Subtraction  69 Responses »
Jul 272011
 

I paused in my daily labors for a quick skimming of posts on other metal blogs and was struck — for about the millionth time — by all the dick, testicle, and cum references. And I’m not talking about the comments. I’m talking about the posts themselves. Surely you know what I mean — references to the writer’s “nuts being crushed” by a song, or getting “a giant boner” from news about some album, or “jizzing” over the release of some album.

Hey, I have a dick as well as balls, and I have jizzed. However, to be brutally honest (which is the only kind of honest we know how to be at NCS), I have never experienced actual ball crushage, erection, or ejaculation from listening to music (even though, yes, we did have an NCS banner subheading recently that proclaimed, “I Think My Dixie Wrecked”). I know those kinds of references are just metaphors for pleasure, but why are they so fucking prominent in metal blogging?

I’m pretty sure most metal bloggers don’t sprinkle their daily conversations with references to their junk or how hard they cum, and I can’t imagine that most of them really get off on listening to other guys talk about their dicks. So why do those references litter so many blog posts? And am I the only one who stifles a yawn when I see them, over and over again? Is this kind of language just a crutch for people who are too lazy to come up with a more specific descriptions of music or their own reactions to it? Is it a reaction to sexual repression or involuntary abstinence? I dunno.

And what about female readers? Let’s consider that for a minute. (after the  jump . . .) Continue reading »

SMILES

 IQ Subtraction  10 Responses »
Jul 112011
 

I have to begin a week-long stretch of travel for my fucking day job beginning today, with longer work hours ahead than I usually endure. That probably means fewer and shorter posts from me over the next 10 days or so, though I do have a couple of reviews already finished.

Fortunately, I also have a number of worthy posts already in hand from both our regular contributors and, unexpectedly, from some guests, and I’ve got those lined up for the days ahead. We treated you to one of the guest posts yesterday — Surgical Brute’s feature on 5 don’t-miss bands lined up for this year’s RITES OF DARKNESS festival in Texas. More goodies are on the way . . .

My one contribution for today is this hodgepodge of things that made me smile when I saw them. Maybe they’ll make you smile, too. If they don’t, it means you’re either in a cranky mood or you’re not as retarded as I am. Those are the only possible explanations.

So, after the jump, we have video evidence of what video games are doing to the well-fed youth of America, and what Norwegian trolls do on tour, plus a news report about a well-rounded patron of the musical arts. Continue reading »

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