BOX O’POOPS! (No. 2)

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  25 Responses »
Oct 092011
 

(Phro’s first Box O’Poops installment met with such an enthusiastic response that he decided to do another one for us. Actually, to be brutally honest, I don’t think anyone read it but him and me, and I didn’t have any choice in the matter. But we goin’ with it anyway!)

Well, hello there, my scat-covered-in-cum-munching friend. How’s the poop today? Did you enjoy the way I lightly browned it in your mom’s cooker? I wouldn’t recommend eating at home for a while.

Well, I decided to do another installment of Box O’ Poops! Why? Because I love you and your pure, unbridled happiness is all I desire in this world. And, because, ya’ know…POOP!!!

Seriously, you know how monkeys like to throw their poop? Y’all are like poop-throwing-monkey groupies who hang around outside the monkey cage at the zoo waiting for the monkeys to fling their poop at dumb jocks wearing too much Axe buddy spray (yah, that’s right, buddy spray). Then, you jump on the shit-covered assholes who smell like shit (but not because of the monkey shit (Axe body spray smells horrific, is my point (I just really hate Axe body spray, I’m not even sure why… (In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever even smelled it. But the commercials sure are stupid. (And I am all for hating products based on their commercials. (That’s kind of why I hate Taco Bell. (Seriously, Fourth Meal?? What the fuck?? (I got’cher fourth meal right here in my ass cannon, buddy! (And now we’re full-circle back to poop-throwing!))))))))

Paranthetic clauses are awesome! So is munching on scat from a necroplushiphilia orgy! And then washing it down with a shot of santorum. (Google it? Don’t Google it? Either way, you’re worse of for knowing it exists.)

To the POOOOOOOOOOPS!!! (uh, yeah, more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

BOX O’POOPS!

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  22 Responses »
Sep 282011
 

(I have no idea how to introduce this post.  I’ll just tell you that Phro wrote it, and leave it at that.)

Forest Gump’s mother (apparently, according to legends that are older than time…or at least, possibly, Google) claimed that life is like a box of chocolates and you never know which one is full of roofies.  (It’s all of them, if I gave you them.  Seriously, go ahead, here, have one.  The ol’ tentacledick ain’t gonna rub one out all by itself, you know.  Time for you to get off the couch and contribute to society just like your pappy always wanted.)

But, you know, I’ve never been a fan of chocolates, so fuck you and your goddamn Valentine’s Day.  (A side note: in Japan, on Valentine’s Day, only the girls give chocolate to the boys.  A month later, the boys are supposed to return the favor.  And a month after that, anyone who got nothing is supposed to go eat black noodles.  I like to pretend it’s all a metaphor for tentacle rape, but I have no idea what black noodles have to do with tentacle rape.  I’ll have to get back to you…)

I am, however, a fan of poop.  (I can hear your gasps of surprise ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.  Knock it off.  You sound like mouth breathers orgasming.) Well, I also recently noticed that YouTube links have no identifying information in the link itself.  So, if someone posts a link without telling you what it is, you literally have no idea until you click it.  I’ve decided to use this to my advantage.  (And yours as well!) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC: NEXT-LEVEL S’MORES

 IQ Subtraction, That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  29 Responses »
Sep 272011
 

Bacon strips, bitches. Authentic camping experience, complete with acetylene campfire starter and urine streams to bring the heat down to proper marshmallow-roasting temperature. Candied bacon strips and Jack Daniels and drizzling chocolate and layering the shit three and four across. And of course stuffing your fucken face with it when it’s all done. That’s metal. That’s all I got to say about this shit.

DEAR TORI AMOS

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News, Phro's Posts  39 Responses »
Sep 232011
 

(Here we have a tender letter from guest contributor Phro to Tori Amos, who seems to have riled up metalheads far and wide with THIS.)

Dear Tori Amos,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but who are you?

I’m guessing you think you’re pretty important… Which maybe you are. But either way I have no idea who you are. Oh! Wait! Are you the little puppy who sang about ironic things in the 90s? …Or was it apples? I’m pretty sure there was a woman singer who sang about stuff. I know you’re not the nice lady who was God. And the Google image search gave me a red head instead of a cute blonde, so you’re not Jewel…well, I’m at a loss.

Anyway, this is a letter for you.  I hope it will justify your sense of importance.  By the way, this might seem like it was written for a five year old, but that’s only so it’s easy to understand for you.

Anyway, apparently you have challenged metal. Which…what…when…where…who?  Who, exactly, do you think that is? Limp Bizkit? I mean I may not know who you are, but I also don’t issue challenges to  random…umm…things, because that’d just be weird. (You know music can’t hear or read, right? I mean, technically, it doesn’t even exist since it’s just sounds waves, but let’s keep this at the five year old level.) Continue reading »

FINAL NCS T-SHIRT UPDATE

 IQ Subtraction  41 Responses »
Sep 212011
 

And why is this the final NCS t-shirt update? Because I just returned from the U.S. post office, where I mailed off shirts to every U.S. and Canadian resident who has requested one to date. Yes, I know you had your doubts, but it’s true. At some point over the next week, plain brown envelopes will begin arriving, and inside, those bold NCS readers who asked will find one of the timeless works of art that yours truly is modeling in that photo up above.

I need to give a shout-out to Chris Martin and Voodoo Screen Printing in the Seattle area, who did such a superb job making the shirts (and making them quickly), and to my friend Derick, who recommended Chris and put me in touch with him. The shirts look outstanding, in my completely un-objective opinion.

We still have shirts left, in sizes ranging from S to 2XL, so if you, your friends, or your enemies want one of these badass babies, all you or they have to do is write me. The shirts are still free, and we’re still paying the shipping charges. All we ask is that you order one only if you really will wear the shirt — which is actually asking a lot, as you’ll understand if you take a good close look at what’s on the shirt:  (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

A LIST OF BAND NAMES

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  15 Responses »
Sep 172011
 

(Our guest contributor Phro draws inspiration from the most unexpected places, like the names of metal bands — and my last post about fall tours . . . and btw, the photo above has nothing to do with Phro’s post, except sometimes his writing makes me think of Genitorturers. Is that so wrong?)

So, apparently, MetalSucks is trying to out do NoCleanSinging by hosting their very own music festival.  (Copycats.)  It’s cute of them to try, but, I mean, who would you rather see?  Municipal Waste or Massive Wall of Penis?  My point exactly.  Anyway, I took a look at their line up, and I noticed a very…odd…pattern to the definitions behind the band names.  Apparently, every band in all these tours are massive necrozoophilics.  Yeah, that means liking to fuck dead animals.  Just like my uncle Billy Bob.

Seriously, metal community, this shit probably needs to stop.

Municipal Waste – Where you sick fuckers go when the DOT (Department of Transportation) is clean out of dead deer.
God Forbid – What you said when your mom suggested having Fido cremated after he “accidentally” got hit by a car.
Today is the Day – What you promise yourself every morning when you wake up wondering if you’ll finally get the guts to skullfuck that mounted doe head in your father-in-law’s house.  ‘Cause you know it’s been giving you “the eye”.
Howl – What your little dead “date” will never do.
Black Tusk – When you accidentally blow diarrhea all over the elephant tusks you use as butt plugs.
Magrudergrind – The machine you use to puree dead puppies when you beat the DOT to the mess. (more after the jump . . . a lot more . . .) Continue reading »

LATE TO THE PARTY

 IQ Subtraction  33 Responses »
Sep 122011
 

“I’m a huge nerd that’s why.”

Our thanks go out to Trollfiend for this inspired piece of artwork and for the answer to the question it poses. This greeted my eyes when I crawled out of bed this morning and turned on the computer, which was about 5 minutes ago. Long story short, I didn’t get much blogging done yesterday, didn’t finish this morning’s first post before collapsing into slumber last night, overslept, and wondered what I would post this morning while I finished what I started yesterday. Now I know.

Please talk among yourselves while I wake up. You got any coffee? That would sure help. A less meaningful but longer post will be coming soon.

NCS T-SHIRT UPDATE

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  11 Responses »
Sep 062011
 

Let’s see now, it was August 7 when we decided to give away NCS t-shirts featuring the eye-catching Dan Arena poster for our fictitious FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE TOUR. Once we had that idea, we jumped on it faster than the crack of a bullwhip, speedier than a bullet fired from a high-powered rifle, so fast that if we’d been flying we’d have created a sonic boom.

Okay, maybe that’s exaggerating just a bit. We actually moved on the idea more like this:

But, we’ve actually made real progress. (more after the  jump . . .) Continue reading »

THE LINDGREN DIET: DAY THREE

 IQ Subtraction  3 Responses »
Sep 022011
 

Am I overdoing this? I know that some metal bloggers harp so incessantly on a particularly subject that it has an effect that’s the reverse of what’s intended: It drives readers in the opposite direction. I think this is the result of a deep-seated acculturation process that begins in childhood. Your parents yammer at you ceaselessly to stand up straight, chew with your mouth closed, stop snorting, brush your teeth, etc., etc., and so the first chance you get you slump like a knuckle-dragging caveman, show the food in your mouth to everyone while eating, snort and swallow your snot like it’s a five-star dessert, and let your teeth turn into bacterial hives that produce immediate sensations of nausea to anyone within a five-yard radius.

And then on top of that kind of reflexive behavior, you add the natural contrariness of the species metalheadus-erectus, and you get the kind of reactions I’m talking about. As a metal writer, you say something more than once, and readers call “Bullshit!” and go the other way.

But look, let me be up front about this. I am NOT getting royalties from Ola Lindgren for promoting The Lindgren Diet. I am NOT making money preparing pre-packaged meals of Spicy Elmo wraps and blow to fulfill diet-meal orders that are surely rolling in at “Lindgren’s Health Blog 666″. I am speaking from the heart about a fabulous total-health regimen that will change your life.

Okay, to be brutally honest, which is the only kind of honest we know how to be at NCS, I have been trying to convince Ola to let me ghost-write the future bestseller The Lindgren Diet: How To Snort, Drink, and Gorge Your Way To A New You. But that has nothing to do — nothing, I tell you — with this series of posts about the diet. I’m just trying to share with you the phenomenal benefits, which I have yet to personally experience, of this revolutionary body-mind health plan created by the long-time guitarist and frontman of Sweden’s Grave. (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

THE LINDGREN DIET: DAY TWO

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  8 Responses »
Sep 012011
 

Earlier this week, we introduced you to a revolutionary new holistic health regimen for metalheads that we’ve dubbed “The Lindgren Diet”. This isn’t just a formula for shedding unwanted pounds. It’s a magical recipe for mental well-being and overall physical health that will produce a “new you”. Developed by Ola Lindgren, the frontman and guitarist for Grave, the legendary Swedish death metal band, it’s taking the world by storm — and rightly so.

Eating right has never been easier — and it won’t leave you feeling hungry or deprived. There’s no need to count calories, carbs, portion sizes — or anything else. It’s just that easy! Ola Lindgren shows you how. Drawing on his own experience maintaining the physique of an Olympic swimmer despite the demands of the extreme metal lifestyle, he has crafted an easy-to-follow diet program that doesn’t require hard-to-find ingredients or long hours in the kitchen. Let other people do the preparation for you! All you have to do is consume — and then watch yourself be transformed.

I’ve been on the diet since Monday, and I can tell you that I’m already feeling the burn! I’m sleeping better, feeling more energetic during the day, and experiencing greater mental acuity. And that’s just from following the first daily intake regimen that Ola rolled out when he launched his blog, “Lindgren’s Health Blog 666”. But now Ola has given us the next installment in his recipe for whole-body perfection. I can’t wait to work this meal plan into my daily routine! Check it out after the jump. Continue reading »

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