BRUNCH OF BOOZE

 IQ Subtraction  15 Responses »
Dec 292011
 

JAck Dagnellz!  Unformed chicken fetuses!  Bacon!  Candied bacon!  Bacon bits!  Jack ‘n’ yoke!  White Russian cereal!

(Wait, isn’t that redundant?  Aren’t all Russians white?)

Pancake batter!  More pancake batter!  Donut ‘o egg!  More fucken JAck, haters!

While I finish waking up and then working on the next epic post, watch these fuckin guys get toasted and make big mounds of disgusting food.  I’m talking to the 2 or 3 of you who don’t already subscribe to the Epic Meal Time YousTubes channel.  After the yump.

And don’t give me that shit like you got something better to do than watch this.  I’m not buying it.  Unless you’re still listening to all that music in Andy’s post.  But even then, you can take a break, make yourself sick to your stomach, and then go back and finish off all the tunes.  Be sure to stick your finger down your throat first, so the nausea doesn’t interfere with the listening.  That’s what I do.  Pancake batter! Continue reading »

PHRO HELPS ABORTED REVISE THEIR TRACK LIST

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  26 Responses »
Dec 212011
 

Like gutted fish left waiting on a sunny river bank before a fry-up, we’re still basking in the glow of premiering a song from Global Flatline, the forthcoming album by those multinational gore-spatterers in Aborted. As is true of all Aborted albums, the track list for this one just gets your mouth watering:

01. Omega Mortis
02. Global Flatline
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of Disease)
04. Coronary Reconstruction
05. Fecal Forgery
06. Of Scabs And Boils
07. Vermicular, Obscene, Obese
08. Expurgation Euphoria
09. From A Tepid Whiff
10. The Kallinger Theory
11. Our Father, Who Art Of Feces
12. Grime
13. Endstille
Bonus track: “Nailed Through Her Cunt”

However, as delectable as this track list is, it could be improved. For example, that song we premiered — “The Origin of Disease”: Don’t you think it would have sounded better if it had been called “The Origin of My Penis”? I think so, even though I didn’t come up with that name (and he who did shall remain anonymous for now).

In an effort to enhance the appeal of the track list, we turned to Phro, our resident expert on branding (and I’m not talkin’ about coming up with names and slogans). Phro’s proposed revisions to Aborted’s album title and track list appear after the jump. Continue reading »

ROD SOFTNESS ELIMINATION AWAITS!

 IQ Subtraction  15 Responses »
Dec 192011
 

FINALLY! After those dozens of e-mails I’ve received from Africans offering me ridiculous sums of money, fully loaded bags of gold dust, pre-funded ATM cards, and other forms of wealth in return for my personal details, I’m now starting to get e-mails from new friends offering other benefits. It’s about fucking time, because not one of those other motherfuckers has yet sent me a dime, despite the fact that I’ve replied to them quickly and sincerely and given them all the personal info they requested.

Here’s an intriguing message I got over the weekend from a helpful guy named Fritz Fish. I thought it would be good because of the alliterative name. When I replied to his message, I decided to just interlineate my responses in his message and send it back.

From: Fritz Fish
Subject: Overcome rod’s softness
Date: December 18, 2011 1:46:18 AM PST
To: Islander <islander@nocleansinging.com>

– There is no reason to feel depressed if you, like so many other men today, have hit the rough spot of your sexual life when you cannot seem to be performing as well as you used to do. Your agitation and frustration are easily understood, and still you should know that with the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries it is but natural that there is bound to be a solution for your own needs when it comes down to solving your erectile dysfunction problems.

Dude, thanks so much for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING and in the state of my mental and penile health. You’re like some kind of fucken mind-reader!  How did you know I’d hit a rough spot in my sexual life? I’ve been so agitated and frustrated lately that I can hardly hit the bowl when I take a piss. I’m like painting the goddamned floor and walls all around the shitter with my piss. But I tell you what,  I’m already getting rigid just knowing about the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries and their solutions for my own needs.

Continue reading »

THE GREAT KAT: THE MUSIC OF THE FUCKIN 21ST CENTURY

 IQ Subtraction  33 Responses »
Dec 082011
 

Classical music plus metal?  The music of the fuckin 21st Century!!  The most brilliant, vicious music ever heard!!!  Beethoven’s fuckin Fifth Symphony, speed version!

Do not listen to this album after listening to Metallica! You will not get it. You just will not understand it. The progression from the last album to this album? From total genius to impossibly amazing, powerful genius!!!!

You assholes are thinkin because I’m sitting here screaming in the middle of the rain in New York that I’m some kind of nutcase!  No, I just happen to be the only Fuckin Unrepressed Person in all of New York!

Why am I walking backwards? That’s your job!

And guess what? The Japanese are taking over the fuckin world!!!  You fuckin peons. Continue reading »

THE DEFINITION OF A SLOW NEWS DAY: THE NUMBER OF THE BLOG INTERVIEWS ISLANDER

 Interviews, IQ Subtraction  56 Responses »
Nov 292011
 

You know, if I don’t spread the word about this, who will?

A new writer at The Number of the Blog who goes by “Rev. Will” over there (and has masqueraded under a different name at NCS) is running a new series called “Keyboard Warriors”, in which he interviews other metal bloggers. He started off strong, featuring interviews of Adrien Begrand (Decibel, Terrorizer, Dominion) and Vince Neilstein (MetalSucks). And then he went right off the rails by electing to interview . . . me.

If you have nothing better to do, go check out the interview at TNOTB (here) and leave comments appropriate to the subject matter.

PHRO REACTS TO BABYMETAL

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  26 Responses »
Oct 312011
 

Baby metal: Is it a thing?

A couple days ago, I inflicted on your tender senses a music video from a Japanese JPop/idol/metal band called Babymetal. I’ve since learned that the song is called “Doki Doki Morning”, and that this band is an off-shoot of another Japanese idol band called Sakura Gakuin. The song appears on Sakura Gakuin’s 2010 album debut.

And now we have an official video report from our Japan-based correspondent Phro, providing his honest, thoughtful, critical reaction to Babymetal.

Also, is that a fucking great shirt Phro is wearing, or what?  Video after the jump. Continue reading »

KILL ME NOW

 IQ Subtraction  66 Responses »
Oct 282011
 

Video Day here at NCS continues . . .

So far, in order, we’ve featured Metachaos, Vaulting, and Vallenfyre, and that trajectory leads naturally to . . . Baby Metal? Or is it Babymetal?

Seriously, the only reason I’m doing this is to see what kind of commentary it provokes from Phro when he emerges from his lair over in The Land of the Rising Sun. Because my reaction upon seeing this at MetalSucks was pretty much captured by Axl’s comments: “OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS DID SOMEONE PUT ACID IN MY COFFEE THIS MORNING BEC I CAN’T EVEN – WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT”

My brain is too scrambled to even come up with a sufficiently effective palate-cleanser. So instead, I’ll just show you this (after the jump) . . . Continue reading »

RICHES FROM BURKINA FASO AWAIT! Again.

 IQ Subtraction  12 Responses »
Oct 262011
 

It’s been a while since the last time I answered one of those bankers/orphans/lawyers in Africa who regularly write me, trying to give me money. I kinda gave up on them, because none of the fuckers has yet sent me any kind of payoff, even after I’ve given them all my personal details. But I could use a little extra cheddah to tide me over ’til the next payday, and $25 million would just about do it. So, I decided to answer this e-mail I got yesterday. First, that e-mail, then my reply:

FROM MR NYEJIOWANAKA GOGO
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER.
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU , BURKINA FASO .

Dear Friend,

CONFIDENTIAL
I am Nyejiowanaka Gogo; I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance Department of BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. I would like you to indicate your interest to receive the transfer of US$25M (Twenty five million US Dollars only). I will like you to stand as a next of kin to my late customer, (Mr. andreas schranner from munich ,germany) who died along with His entire family in July 2000 in a plane crash, whose account is presently dormant, for claims. Continue reading »

WE BLOW THE COVER OFF PHRO’S SECRET LIFE! LOUTALLICA, BABY!

 IQ Subtraction  16 Responses »
Oct 212011
 

You may think that NCS contributor Phro is an American ex-pat living in Japan and splitting his time between teaching English to Japanese and presiding over a vast tentacle-porn industry, but that’s all just a cover. And we’re tired of covering for him. Time to out Phro. Time to reveal THE TRUTH: Phro is a lyricist for Lou Reed and Metallica.

You doubt THE TRUTH? Well, who else could have penned these immortal lyrics from “Pumping Blood” by the infernal collaboration of Lou Reed and Metallica:

“Tied up in leather
Would you take the measure
Of the blood that I pump”

“If I waggle my ass like a dark prostitute
Would you think less of me”

“I will swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man’s dick”

To see all of Phro’s moving lyrics to this tender ode, go past the jump. (If only the music were as good as the words. Actually, to be brutally honest, I know nothing about the music to this song. I would rather have a colonoscopy without anesthesia or shove hot needles up my nose than listen to this song.) Continue reading »

 Older Entries  Newer Entries