PHRO HELPS ABORTED REVISE THEIR TRACK LIST

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  26 Responses »
Dec 212011
 

Like gutted fish left waiting on a sunny river bank before a fry-up, we’re still basking in the glow of premiering a song from Global Flatline, the forthcoming album by those multinational gore-spatterers in Aborted. As is true of all Aborted albums, the track list for this one just gets your mouth watering:

01. Omega Mortis
02. Global Flatline
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of Disease)
04. Coronary Reconstruction
05. Fecal Forgery
06. Of Scabs And Boils
07. Vermicular, Obscene, Obese
08. Expurgation Euphoria
09. From A Tepid Whiff
10. The Kallinger Theory
11. Our Father, Who Art Of Feces
12. Grime
13. Endstille
Bonus track: “Nailed Through Her Cunt”

However, as delectable as this track list is, it could be improved. For example, that song we premiered — “The Origin of Disease”: Don’t you think it would have sounded better if it had been called “The Origin of My Penis”? I think so, even though I didn’t come up with that name (and he who did shall remain anonymous for now).

In an effort to enhance the appeal of the track list, we turned to Phro, our resident expert on branding (and I’m not talkin’ about coming up with names and slogans). Phro’s proposed revisions to Aborted’s album title and track list appear after the jump. Continue reading »

PHRO TRIES TO REMEMBER WHAT YEAR IT IS AND WHAT FUCKING ALBUMS CAME OUT THIS YEAR

 Listmania, Phro's Posts  41 Responses »
Dec 122011
 

(The time has come.  What time is that?  Why, it’s the time when we begin publishing our own series on the best metal of 2011 — lists created by our writers, guest contributors, and members of metal bands who we’ve specially invited to share with us their lists.  And what better way to start than by turning to Phro for the kick-off?)

Ahhh . . . 2011, how quickly you came and . . . went?  Are going?  Let’s just stick with came for now.

What a year it has been!  I think.  I don’t really remember it.  I think there was something to do with tentacles and a few zombie girls.  Seriously, someone please make the whole zombie/vampire/werewolf thing stop happening.  Please.  I’m begging you.  I can only take so much pithy teen angst foisted upon poor hapless creatures of the night.  GIVE THEM BACK THEIR BALLS, DAMNIT!!!

Seriously.  And wizards, too.  Enough of that shit.

Oh, right, and there was music, too.  Particularly metal music.  Particularly good metal music.  (Anyone who ever utters the words, “It’s been a bad year for metal,” should go out behind the chicken chopping shed and punch themselves in the throat with a rooster.  You fucking lazy scum fucker.)  But it`s the end of the year, and it’s not enough to simply say there was a lot of it.  You people from the Internet want proof all of the sudden!  You freaks with your memes and your porn and your meme porn and your porn memes.  And your rules!!!  So many rules!  Well, I have a new rule for you.  Rule number 0.5.  It states, quite clearly: anything that can be made into furry-rape-scat porn should be made into furry-rape-scat porn and then broadcasted on CNN, FOX, and MSNBC until foxes look sexy.  (But only when they`re covered in poop.)

Poop, poop, poop, poop . . . poop . . . poooooooooooooop . . . Continue reading »

ANOTHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS STORY

 Phro's Posts  7 Responses »
Nov 142011
 

(Posting Phro’s Christmas hallucinations is becoming an annual tradition, it seems.  What?  You think it’s too early?  Do you really want to be reading this during the holidays?  Just take a guess what Phro is describing here:  “It arched through the air in a sparkling, rainbow stream of a million pearls.  Each drop glittered in the pale light, reflecting and refracting like snowflakes shining in headlights.  It was like watching the Milky Way being born.”)

“Jingle bells, jingle bells…”

The song echoed through the chilly night air like hyenas’ cackles slowly raping quiet desert serenity.  I could tell from the puddle of bloody vomit that I was lying in that tonight had not been a good night.  And I could also tell from the riot police beating my head that it probably wouldn’t end well either.

The Tokyo riot police are specially trained to deal with large groups like demonstrations or what have you.  Luckily for me, they don’t carry guns.  Unluckily for me, they’re pretty fucking tough and very well trained.  They’re not supposed to go ape shit and just beat the fuck outta offenders—but I guess I just bring out the best in people.  (If you’re interested in some of the training they undergo, check out Angry White Pajamas about an American poet’s adventures in their year-long Aikido course.)

Through swollen eyes,  just before passing out, I admired the cum-covered glory that I had spread about the Ueno Park Christmas illumination display.

Now, you’re probably thinking this was just another boring Phro-got-drunk-on-whiskey-and-rubbing-alcohol adventure.  But you’re wrong!  Well, okay, a little wrong.  First off, I hadn’t had any rubbing alcohol, and I was only slightly buzzed.  Second, it wasn’t my fault.  Really!!!  It was…

The Fucktopus. Continue reading »

BOX O’POOPS 3

 Phro's Posts, RANDOM FUCKING MUSIC  1 Response »
Nov 092011
 

(Phro had so much fun with the first two installments of this series that he decided to dump a third one on us. So to speak. Remember, you have to click on Phro’s weird graphics in order to see the surprise.)

Good autumn, fellow scat-munchers!  How’s it all hanging??  (I’m pretty sure that is a gender neutral term, since labias kinda hang too.)  Are you all bundled up nice and warm (apologies to antipodeans, but, seriously, stop standing on your heads)??  Maybe drinking some hot chocolate by the fire?  WELL, IT’S NOT HOT CHOCOLATE—IT’S HOT DIARRHEA!!! AND THE MARSHMELLOWS ARE PIG TESTICLES!!!  EWWWWWWWWW!!!

Sorry.  I have no idea what happened in that first paragraph.  I think the meerkats are getting better with their brain-control waves.  We’re doomed, I tell you, doooooooooomed!

Anyway, here’s a little something to take your mind off the imminent doom.


(more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THE GREAT EXECUTION” KILLS

 Album Reviews, Phro's Posts  12 Responses »
Nov 032011
 

(I have been meaning to review The Great Execution, the new album by Brazilian heavyweights Krisiun, because it’s one of the best death metal albums of the year. I still intend to do that. However, Phro has beat me to the punch. Read it and weep. It’s full of THOOM and BOOM.)

The latest Krisiun album The Great Execution is available for your listening pleasure now.  More specifically, it should be blasting in your fucking ears right now, and if it’s not, I have to say, I’m gonna have to seriously reconsider our friendship.  It’s nothing personal, but I just don’t know if can trust a hairy man-dog that eats its own poop AND doesn’t even have the good sense to listen to fucking Krisiun.

But, being merciful (though incredibly unimportant and not just a little petty), I’ll assume that, perhaps, if you’re not listening to it, then maybe you a good reason.  Like loss of multiple limbs.  Or the death of your entire family (Frank Castle style).  Or, perhaps, you forgot it was November 1st.  Whatever the reason may be, this is my attempt at explaining how spinal-cord-fuckingly awesome this album is.  (Seriously.  Your spinal cord.  It’s gonna get fucked.  It’s as if Death were less interested in killing you and more interested in using the hole in your back created by ripping your spinal cord out through your ass as a cock sleeve to store up and save excess Death-semen.)

This album goes to war (as the cover attests) and it doesn’t bother with prisoners, survivors, or even survivors guilt.  (I don’t know what that last sentence means.) (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

PHRO REACTS TO BABYMETAL

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  26 Responses »
Oct 312011
 

Baby metal: Is it a thing?

A couple days ago, I inflicted on your tender senses a music video from a Japanese JPop/idol/metal band called Babymetal. I’ve since learned that the song is called “Doki Doki Morning”, and that this band is an off-shoot of another Japanese idol band called Sakura Gakuin. The song appears on Sakura Gakuin’s 2010 album debut.

And now we have an official video report from our Japan-based correspondent Phro, providing his honest, thoughtful, critical reaction to Babymetal.

Also, is that a fucking great shirt Phro is wearing, or what?  Video after the jump. Continue reading »

BOX O’POOPS! (No. 2)

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  25 Responses »
Oct 092011
 

(Phro’s first Box O’Poops installment met with such an enthusiastic response that he decided to do another one for us. Actually, to be brutally honest, I don’t think anyone read it but him and me, and I didn’t have any choice in the matter. But we goin’ with it anyway!)

Well, hello there, my scat-covered-in-cum-munching friend. How’s the poop today? Did you enjoy the way I lightly browned it in your mom’s cooker? I wouldn’t recommend eating at home for a while.

Well, I decided to do another installment of Box O’ Poops! Why? Because I love you and your pure, unbridled happiness is all I desire in this world. And, because, ya’ know…POOP!!!

Seriously, you know how monkeys like to throw their poop? Y’all are like poop-throwing-monkey groupies who hang around outside the monkey cage at the zoo waiting for the monkeys to fling their poop at dumb jocks wearing too much Axe buddy spray (yah, that’s right, buddy spray). Then, you jump on the shit-covered assholes who smell like shit (but not because of the monkey shit (Axe body spray smells horrific, is my point (I just really hate Axe body spray, I’m not even sure why… (In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever even smelled it. But the commercials sure are stupid. (And I am all for hating products based on their commercials. (That’s kind of why I hate Taco Bell. (Seriously, Fourth Meal?? What the fuck?? (I got’cher fourth meal right here in my ass cannon, buddy! (And now we’re full-circle back to poop-throwing!))))))))

Paranthetic clauses are awesome! So is munching on scat from a necroplushiphilia orgy! And then washing it down with a shot of santorum. (Google it? Don’t Google it? Either way, you’re worse of for knowing it exists.)

To the POOOOOOOOOOPS!!! (uh, yeah, more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

CTTTOAFF WILL DESTROY YOU

 Album Reviews, Phro's Posts  30 Responses »
Oct 042011
 

(Phro was so obviously omega drunk on the blood of alpha when he reviewed Omega Drunk on the Blood of Alpha by Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire that he seemed the obvious candidate to review the two more recent releases by the same band, which the band was kind enough to send our way. My only word of advice to CTTTOAFF is to be careful what you wish for.)

So, I “reviewed” (seriously, who decided to let me get away with calling anything I write a “review”?) Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire’s Omega Drunk on the Blood of Alpha the other day. And, I tell you what, it is good aural baby-flesh pancakes.  Well, Islander set me up with review MP3s of their newest album Visceral (July 2011), as well as their just-released split with France’s Nesseria (I’ll only be “reviewing” the CTTTOAFF songs).  I’ve listened to them both about 10 times since then, trying to think of what to say.  I’ll tell you this right now: If you don’t get at least the split (which is free on bandcamp), CTTTOAFF will do horrible things to your mutilated corpse and e-mail photos of said doings to your family, your dog, and all your exes.  Only the exes will enjoy it.

“Have you ever heard the sound of giants stalking the skies, intermittently raping Gaia with cocks the size of horses?”

“What?”

“Not horses’ cocks…the giants’ cocks are as big as a fucking thoroughbred.”

“I’m….uhhhh…are you talking to me?” Continue reading »

BOX O’POOPS!

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  22 Responses »
Sep 282011
 

(I have no idea how to introduce this post.  I’ll just tell you that Phro wrote it, and leave it at that.)

Forest Gump’s mother (apparently, according to legends that are older than time…or at least, possibly, Google) claimed that life is like a box of chocolates and you never know which one is full of roofies.  (It’s all of them, if I gave you them.  Seriously, go ahead, here, have one.  The ol’ tentacledick ain’t gonna rub one out all by itself, you know.  Time for you to get off the couch and contribute to society just like your pappy always wanted.)

But, you know, I’ve never been a fan of chocolates, so fuck you and your goddamn Valentine’s Day.  (A side note: in Japan, on Valentine’s Day, only the girls give chocolate to the boys.  A month later, the boys are supposed to return the favor.  And a month after that, anyone who got nothing is supposed to go eat black noodles.  I like to pretend it’s all a metaphor for tentacle rape, but I have no idea what black noodles have to do with tentacle rape.  I’ll have to get back to you…)

I am, however, a fan of poop.  (I can hear your gasps of surprise ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.  Knock it off.  You sound like mouth breathers orgasming.) Well, I also recently noticed that YouTube links have no identifying information in the link itself.  So, if someone posts a link without telling you what it is, you literally have no idea until you click it.  I’ve decided to use this to my advantage.  (And yours as well!) Continue reading »

CLINGING TO THE TREES OF A FOREST FIRE: “OMEGA DRUNK ON THE BLOOD OF ALPHA”

 Album Reviews, Phro's Posts  69 Responses »
Sep 272011
 

(In this post, NCS contributor Phro reviews an album by Clinging To the Trees of A Forest Fire as only Phro can.)

(Phro’s note: Clinging to the Trees of a Forest Fire is a Denver (woo!) funeral grind band (band’s words, not mine, but incredibly appropriate) that will rip your face skin off and then burn it as you stare hopelessly and slowly bleed to death.  Today, I listened to their 2008 album Omega Drunk On the Blood of Alpha.  It’s fucking amazing.  If you want to hear or get more of their music, go to their facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/CTTTOAFF) or their bandcamp page (http://ctttoaff.bandcamp.com/))

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!”

Furious wind whips at my face like tiny dicks fighting for a place in the bukkake circle, desperately trying to get close enough to the girl to avoid just masturbating in a room full of perverts and a slightly uncomfortable woman.  My arms flail as I fight against gravity, Newton, and all that physics has birthed—screaming—into the world.

“Motherfuckermotherfuckermotherfuckermotherfucker!!!”

My screams are nearly drowned out by the robotic howl of the wind. Continue reading »

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