Feb 082013

This little story originally reported on gawker has been making the rounds on the internetz this morning, and it’s just too good not to share.

According to a notice posted on the employee bulletin board at Seton Hall University’s heavy metal radio station WSOU, uttering any band names or playing any songs with the words “devil,” “Satan,” “God,” “Jesus,” or “any other Catholic references that are portrayed in a negative light” will result in suspension.

But to take any guesswork out of which band names aren’t appropriate for the airwaves at “Seton Hall’s Pirate Radio,” the management drafted a list of the 53 dirtiest band names that you can never say on the radio, a la George Carlin’s iconic monologue about TV.

The list includes such metal radio staples as Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, Anal Cunt, Morbid Angel, and Deicide, but also a bunch of just-fun-to-say-out-loud outfits such as Adolf Satan, Baby Jesus Hitler, Crucifucks, Jesus Chrysler, Smother Theresa, and, of course, Hell-O.

Completely understandable and appropriate. Seton Hall is, after all, a private Roman Catholic university (located in New Jersey), the Archbishop of Newark is the president of its Board of Trustees, and lord knows that the Catholic Church has never tolerated filth, depravity, or degradation . . . except among minor church functionaries known as “priests”, but that doesn’t count. Continue reading »

Nov 052012

Having already featured Infant Annihilator’s profound video for the song “Decapitation Fornication” (which has already amassed over 100,000 YouTube views among discriminating voyeurs of art-house film), it follows that we must feature the “making of” video for the video of “Decapitation Fornication”.

There is really no choice in the matter, is there? No, of course there isn’t. In for a dime, in for a dollar. Or maybe it’s in for a pence, in for a pound? Or whatever expression people in England use for those moments when you just decide to dive all the way into whatever mess you’ve already tip-toed into.

And since we’re on the subject of Infant Annihilator, this seemed like a good time to feature the just-released artwork for the band’s debut album, The Palpable Leprosy of Pollution, which will be vomited forth on 12-12-12.

But back to the “making of” video. It’s a rare privilege to get a glimpse behind the scenes of filmmaking at this level, to witness the seriousness and care with which the cinematographer and the cast approached the project, to see how much love (and nipple-massaging) went into the production.

In an age when CGI is king, we can also see that Infant Annihilator went with actual green vomiting. However, as an objective critic I have to say that the band tarnished their cinéma vérité credibility by using simulated sodomy and no actual tonguing. Still, as budding filmmakers, Aaron and Eddie should be forgiven for feeling their way gently in their first effort, and we have every confidence that in their future work they’ll get down to the kind of raw hardcore pounding that their growing legions of fans will undoubtedly demand. Continue reading »

Nov 032012

I fell off a wall last night. Intoxicants may have had something to do with it, though native idiocy could explain the whole thing, too.

My wife is out of town. I had been out carousing. Turns out I had locked myself out of my house, and had left the house key inside. I had also forgotten to turn on any lights, and where I live, it’s pretty close to pitch black when the lights are off. I also had no flashlight in my car (yeah, I’m that kind of dumbass). I was trying to find my way around to the back of the house to a place where a spare key is hidden. This involved walking along the edge of a low wall above a shallow ravine.

I thought I’d passed the end of the ravine and could safely turn left to walk down a small slope to where the key is hidden, but like I said, I couldn’t see shit. I took a step, unexpectedly went down about four feet, and landed awkwardly. Skinned up my left leg and twisted my ankle pretty good.

I lay there for a few minutes whimpering, with the sounds of the lorises’ mewling laughter ringing in my head. After I made it inside (which took a while), I probably should have tried to do something about the ankle, something like putting ice on it or wrapping it in an Ace bandage, or cutting off my foot right above the sprain. But I was kinda fucked up and I wanted to get off of it fast, so I pounded some Advil and went to bed. Continue reading »

Oct 272012

I received the following e-mail today, with the word “urgently” in the subject line.  I replied to it urgently.  Because although not one of these people has ever followed through and sent me money, I know that one day it will happen, because people are generous and good and will eventually recognize all the wonderful things I can do with a few million dollars, such as enhance the electrification of the fencing around the loris compound and install the Grolsch beer fountain and pay Fleshgod Apocalypse to move to Seattle and play music for me whenever I want and buy a head so that Phro will stop making fun of me.

From: Mr Jackie Gallop“<mr.jackiegallop75039@yahoo.com.ph>
Date: October 27, 2012 8:09:42 AM PDT
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: urgently
Reply-To: <jackiegallop27@yahoo.com>

Dear Client,

Report : Investigation revealed that you have received Lot of Payment Notification with requests to secure funds Transfer Documents, Pay Diplomatic fees, Transfer Charges etc, yet all effort to receive the Compensation/Lottery payment lawfully entitled to you, have been to no avail. With the help of the best Internet investigators, The International Monetary Funds IMF we have taken out time in screening through your Compensation/Lottery payment project as stipulated on our protocol of operations.

Prior to series of reports (Email, Fax, Telephone and Mail Post) from beneficiaries across Asia, Europe, America just to mention a few, urging us to investigate these irregularities, Special International Dept Settlement Officers attached to this honorable Institution, The Federal Bureau of Investigation FBI was deployed to various Compensation payment Centers around the world so as to carry out proper.
Continue reading »

Sep 192012

If Condom Commercials Were Honest — powered by Cracked.com

(Sorry about the ad.)

It will come as no surprise to our readers that of all my many Facebook friends, most of whom undoubtedly have mistaken me for someone else, it was Phro and Phro alone who posted a link to the above video on his page. By being straight-forward and direct, it serves as a pointed reminder of how much bullshit we put up with in advertising. It made me think of how refreshing it would be if promotional campaigns for metal albums followed a similar formula.

Don’t get me wrong. I have cordial relations with many label representatives and PR folks, and I generally enjoy reading their album descriptions because they write better than I do and I admire good writing, except when I don’t enjoy their writing because they write better than I do. Also, I depend on them for advance access to music, which I appreciate because there’s not really a quid pro quo, given that even when I whip my lazy ass into writing a review it’s difficult for me to imagine anyone actually relying on my opinion in deciding what music to buy. This is why I always include music with the reviews. I may be stupid, but I’m not dumb.

Still, after seeing that video, I couldn’t help but fantasize about what the “Bag For Your Dick” approach to promotion would mean for metal PR:

“This album sounds like thousands of other deathcore albums with a few weedily riffs thrown in to make it sound “progressive”. It gave me diarrhea by the second track, but brainless teenagers will think it’s brutal. If any brainless teenagers read your blog, pimp the crap out of these hacks. Make sure you have the quart-sized Pepto Bismol on hand before you listen to this shit.”

“Here’s the long-awaited and highly anticipated new album by this band whose name I’d give my left nut to forget. And by ‘long-awaited and highly anticipated’ I mean these assholes have been auto-tuning and pro-tooling the living shit out of this pile of putrescence for the last year while getting high every night and bitching about their gf’s, who must be as retarded as the deluded dudes in this band. Whatever.” Continue reading »

Jul 152012

The last time we re-designed the look of the NCS site, we went big on the skulls.  The skulls are nice and all, but I’m thinking we’d get more visitors if we had more pussy. Of course, as always, we’d like your input.

Go HERE to take a look at a mock-up of the new site.  Be sure to scroll all the way down when you get there.

More info about the project comes after the jump. Continue reading »

Jun 302012

I got cajoled into seeing a movie today that I didn’t really have any interest in seeing, and it turned out to be worthwhile. One line, often repeated, was: “Everything will be all right in the end, so if it’s not all right, it’s not the end.” There was also a speech near the end about success in life being measured by how you handle disappointment, and about the only failure being the failure to try. And then I got home and there, waiting in my e-mail in-box, was yet another chance for untold riches.

Despite all of my disappointments in sincerely answering similar e-mails, most of them from Africa, and my failure to obtain even one goddamn penny from any of these seemingly helpful correspondents, I had the movie’s lines ringing in my ears, and so I decided to try again. Full of renewed hope, and believing it must not be the end, I decided to really turn on the charm in answering the following e-mail from a helpful agent of the FBI:

From: “Ms. Tracy Sanson”
Date: June 30, 2012 9:47:29 AM PDT
Reply-To: mstracysanson2012@rediffmail.com


I must let you in on the real facts about your delayed payment. As a member of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) on local and foreign debt attached to the World Bank office in Washington, DC, USA, I am very much aware of the ordeal you are passing through in order to actualize your long delayed payment. Continue reading »

Jun 052012


Here is what will happen:

You will watch this video. You will be tempted to stop it almost immediately, but you’ll be in “what the fuck am I seeing?” mode just long enough for the song to change gears and then you’ll get sucked in, but then you’ll still want to vomit and have to swallow a little spew because everything about it is offensive, from the band’s name to the lyrics to the music, but you’ll keep watching, and then you’ll play it again and then you’ll go watch the video of the song that’s got the lyrics on the screen, and then you’ll walk around the rest of the day humming to yourself, “Is anyone up?” or maybe “your pussy, your boobies, on the world wide web”, and you’ll hate yourself for doing that and then you’ll hate me for making you hate yourself, and you’ll wonder what you did to deserve having this video inflicted on you, and then you’ll remember that thing you paid to watch on your computer the other night when you thought no one would know and then you’ll realize that I know everything you do and you’ll be afraid I’ll use what I know to extort sexual favors and you’ll hate me more and you’ll want to leave some really insulting comments which I will enjoy reading, and it will dawn on you that you’ve fallen into a sadomasochistic relationship with NCS from which you can’t escape, and then you’ll hate me some more.

Okay, okay, I suppose there’s an infinitesimally small chance my prediction is wrong. It could be that you’ll just shut this thing off within 10 seconds and go straight to the hating me part. Either way, you’ll hate me. But I’ll make it up to you — you’ll see. This is how I’ll make it up to you: Continue reading »

May 302012

Phro has obviously been spending way too much fucking time on his own blog or I would have found out about this movie from him instead of having to read about it on Skeletonwitch’s FB page.

Just when you think zombie filmography has become so saturated that there’s nothing new to say about zombies, we get Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. Leave it to the Japanese to take a tired old cinematic trope and breathe new life into the shit. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I like a crap zombie movie as much as the next dude, but they get kinda boring after a while — even when real life starts imitating art. But there’s a difference between a crap zombie movie and a craptastic movie with shit zombies and hot, gun-toting Japanese chicks wearing schoolgirl uniforms, which seems to be required dress for all hot Japanese chicks.

Zombie Ass, which premiered at a film festival in Austin, Texas (?!?) last fall and had its Japanese premiere in February 2012, was made by renowned Japanese director and legendary ass-fetishist Noboru Iguchi. It seems to involve poop-covered zombies crawling from outhouses, mutant intestinal parasites, and a lot of potent farting. Sounds awesome, no?

The odds of me seeing this movie are zero, but the “international” trailer for the film — complete with garbled English voiceover and titles — is fucking hysterical.  Okay, to be more precise, it’s hysterical if you have a really juvenile, scatalogical sense of humor like I do, and I’m pretty sure you DO have that kind of sense of humor, or why else would you be wasting your time at this site? Continue reading »

May 242012

Uh . . . yeah . . . I fucked up again. I just woke up, not having finished a post last night. There’s a story behind the failure, but I’ll keep the details to myself because they don’t really put me in a good light, and I’m all about being in a good light.

So, not having prepared a post last night that’s up to our usual supremely high quality standards, I had to grab something really fast to put up on the site that would allow me to finish waking up in a leisurely manner without feeling too guilty about not having a morning NCS post.

Fortunately, I had a few very important items already rattling around in the back of my head. Continue reading »