WHO WILL BUY THIS?

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Jan 242010
 

I’m hung over. That could possibly explain my ornery reaction to a few recent pieces of news, courtesy of Blabbermouth. Here’s one:

Ozzy Osbourne is planning on releasing a concert DVD later this year featuring never-before-seen footage of his band — including late guitarist Randy Rhoads — performing in 1981. Ozzy wrote yesterday (Friday, January 22) on his Twitter profile after viewing the Randy-era material, “I’m speechless.”

Man, if that were only true — and if only Ozzy would remain speechless for the rest of his mush-mouthed life. And if there’s any remote chance that watching the DVD would render the rest of his grotesque family speechless, I hope he makes them watch it too.

So, I have to wonder, who would buy this? I’m envisioning wasted 50-something headbangers with beer guts the size of Montana and wandering minds, or teenagers who think it’s cool to be retro. Of course, it’s inevitable that someone will read this who doesn’t fall into either of those categories and will think I’m a complete asshole. Someone won’t mind Ozzy’s attempt to trade on the memory of a dead guy and will want to punch my lights out. To which I would say, get in the fucking line.

But wait! There’s more! (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

HU4L

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News, Mosh Pit  20 Responses »
Jan 072010
 

Last night I stumbled into the interweb equivalent of a brawl.  In one corner: the incomparable ladies of Reign in Blonde (Elise and Julia) and their cool new columnist Angela Gossowski. In the other corner, an infestation of whackjobs calling themselves members of the “Undead Army.”

Chapter 1: The whole thing started innocently enough about a week ago when Elise broke the story that a sometimes member of Hollywood Undead (Daniel Murillo) had auditioned for the new season of American Idol and apparently has made it through to the “Hollywood round” of the competition. Elise didn’t say much about Hollywood Undead other than to describe them as “that shitty rap/rock band that performs in MASKS.”

Now, RIB has a devoted legion of followers, but only a handful of folks post comments with any regularity, and those comments are usually articulate, funny, and — well — civilized. Elise’s story drew 10 posted comments. A few of the regulars popped in, but then (ominously) three commenters appeared with web monikers ending in “HU4L,” which I eventually came to learn stands for “Hollywood Undead for Life.” And one of those comments included this bit of witty repartee:

“Your are a pathetic piece of shit. Im not even kidding you. 1. You dont know one goddamn thing about HU. or where they come from. 2. You need to shut the muthafuck up before someone shanks your bitch ass. 3. Yes I know its your opinion whether or not your like them, so KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.”

Uh, what??  (more after the jump, if you have a strong stomach . . .) Continue reading »

EMETIC EFFECT

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Jan 052010
 

The dictionary defines “emetic” as an agent that induces vomiting. The following report on Blabbermouth this morning certainly triggered our gag reflex:

“POISON vocalist Bret Michaels and Ozzy Osbourne‘s wife/manager Sharon Osbourne will be featured in the new season of Donald Trump‘s“The Celebrity Apprentice”, which is scheduled to premiere on Sunday, March 14 at 9:00 p.m. EST with a special two-hour episode on NBC.

The official cast of Season 3 of “The Celebrity Apprentice” is as follows:

* Comedian/writer Carol Leifer
* Comedian/actor Sinbad
* WWE wrestler Maria Kanellis
* Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
* Ozzy Osbourne‘s wife/manager Sharon Osbourne
* Track and field Olympian Michael Johnson
* Chef Curtis Stone
* Pop icon Cyndi Lauper
* WWE heavyweight Bill Goldberg
* Baseball star Darryl Strawberry
* POISON vocalist Bret Michaels
* Lingerie model Selita Ebanks
* Swimmer Summer Sanders
* Actress/author Holly Robinson Peete

Michaels was seen selling hamburgers to passers-by for $100 or more a piece on October 19, 2009 at 9 E. 53rd St. in New York City as part of his appearance on “The Celebrity Apprentice”. . . .

The celebrities . . . are subjected to long hours, grueling mental challenges, personality clashes and intense scrutiny — all without the help of their regular support system of agents, managers and personal assistants.”

Gimme a fuckin’ break. If we tried, we’d have a hard time coming up with a more bizarre collection of damaged goods. Bret Michaels?! Sharon Osborne?!  Darryl Strawberry?! Dirtbag deluxe Rod Blagojevich??!! All of them narcissistic pros at self-humiliation and embarrassment.  We wouldn’t watch this trash at gunpoint. Please tell us you won’t either.

I have to take a break now to wipe the spew off my keyboard.

KE$HA: A TEACHABLE MOMENT

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Dec 292009
 

What do pop star Ke$ha, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, and Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley have in common? Is it that they all like cock rock? Ke$ha says she does. Maybe the others do too. But I wouldn’t put money on it. No, what they have in common is they’ve all provided us with “teachable moments” this year.

As for Gates and Crowley, they got to know each other on July 16, when Crowley came to Gates’ home after police received a neighbor’s report about a possible burglary at that address. Crowley claimed Gates became abusive and arrested him.

In an effort to cool off the dispute between them, which had ignited into a headline-grabbing national debate about race relations, President Obama invited Gates and Crowley to have a beer with him on the White House lawn. The White House billed the chatfest as a “teachable moment.”  After the beer summit, Crowley said he and Gates had agreed to disagree.

I don’t know about you, but the lesson I learned from that “teachable moment” was this: don’t say anything about a cop’s mama to his face.

Actually, I’m pretty sure I already knew that, but hey, it never hurts to be reminded.

In the case of Ke$sha (and I really don’t want a case of Ke$sha), her ridiculously popular song “Tik Tok” has recently prompted an electronic discussion among Elise at Reign in Blonde, me, and some articulate people who’ve been posting comments at RIB, about that “us against the world” attitude that infuses metal bands and metal fandom and causes some of us to look down on pop music (or even more broadly, all non-metal music) as shallow and inferior.  I think it’s a discussion worth continuing.  (more after the jump) Continue reading »

CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL (or, Casually Rapping White Girls, Part 2)

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Dec 282009
 


Yesterday I posted a rant about a song by Ke$ha called “Tik Tok” that is the No. 1 selling single on iTunes and is at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. Among other things, I said it made me wanna claw my skin off in big hunks, that a whole album of similar songs would make me want to vomit up all my internal organs, and that it was yet another sign of the increasing idiocy of popular culture.

Elise from Reign in Blonde (one of the two sites that was our inspiration for NO CLEAN SINGING and one of our essential daily reads) posted this comment about the rant (and I hope she won’t mind that I’m featuring it here):

“I actually really like that “Tik Tok” song. I’m not saying YOU have to, but it honestly feels like too many people still MAKE metal or LIKE it just to “stick it” to other genres or to prove they’re better. Heavy music is fully capable of standing on its own. I like to think of myself as a peacemaker.”

I usually prefer to impulsively shoot from the hip and then forget about whatever nonsense I’ve written, but Elise’s comment brought about some moments of self-reflection. That in turn caused me to confess some things to myself. And then I impulsively decided to share those confessions, after which I’ll forget abut the nonsense I’m about to write:

  • I listened to “Tik Tok” once before writing yesterday’s post (via this video of the song). I haven’t listened to it again. I don’t want to listen to it again. Unfortunately, 24 hours later, I still can’t get the damn thing out of my head. I listened to metal non-stop yesterday in an effort to cleanse my mental palate, but it hasn’t worked.
  • That doesn’t mean I like the song. But I confess I’ve got a Pavlovian response to just about any music with a compulsive groove in it (check out our recently completed list of The Ten Most Infectious Extreme Metal Songs of 2009 if you have any doubts). Again, that doesn’t mean I think it’s good music. I just can’t help myself. Put a coconut cream pie in front of me and I’ll eat the whole thing, but that doesn’t make it good for me.
  • I confess that I went a little over the top when I said an album filled with songs like “Tik Tok” would make me feel like vomiting up all my internal organs into a steaming, slimy pile at my feet. Only a surfeit of tequila has ever made me feel that bad. But I still agree wholeheartedly with none other than the executive producer of Ke$ha’s forthcoming album, one “Dr. Luke,” that “a whole record of that might get annoying.” (More confessions after the jump)

    • Continue reading »

CASUALLY RAPPING WHITE GIRLS (or, Reason #8,467 For Why We Listen to Metal)

 IQ Subtraction  2 Responses »
Dec 272009
 

Yesterday, our post about female-fronted death metallers Bloodshoteye included a comment about the shortage of competent female death growlers howling their wares on the current scene. On the somewhat related but more general subject of last frontiers for female singers, this morning someone sent me a link to a story that popped up in today’s New York Times about a new pop star named Ke$ha and her single “Tik Tok,” which has soared to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. The Times calls it “one of the most successful white-girl rap songs of all time.” Here are a few more excerpts from the article:

This has been a banner year for white-girl rap, as these things go. There was the debut album by the Philadelphia rapper Amanda Blank, the relentless and suffocating “I Love You” (Downtown). On “Boom Boom Pow,” the pummeling Black Eyed Peas hit, the surprise twist was a rapped interlude by the group’s singer, Fergie. Even the country-pop singer Jessie James tried it out on “Blue Jeans,” a song that practically owes a publishing check to Dem Franchize Boyz for appropriating the cadence and concept of their 2004 song “White Tee.”

The white female rapper has been one of the last frontiers in hip-hop, but Ke$ha is reframing the conversation. “Her talky, blonde-y, white-girl rap thing, there’s no one else doing that right now,” said the producer and songwriter Lukasz Gottwald, a k a Dr. Luke, who signed Ke$ha to his imprint and executive produced “Animal.”

. . . “Being that she was willing to do that, and she liked it, I’m in support of it. A whole record of that might get annoying though.”

No shit “Dr. Luke.” But “annoying” is an understated adjective. “Tik Tok” all by itself makes me wanna start clawing off my skin in big hunks like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. Thinking about a whole album of this stuff makes me feel like vomiting until all my internal organs are in a steaming, slimy pile at my feet.

The Times observed that “The very existence of the casually rapping white girl reflects decreasingly stringent ideas about race and gender.” No, what it reflects is the increasing idiocy of popular “culture.”

“A banner year for white-girl rap”? Really, who gives a flying fuck. Yet another reminder, as if I really needed one, that whenever I venture out into the world of what passes for pop music I’m almost always morbidly sorry I did.

Ima go listen to Bloodshoteye again.  Bye.

WHY IS GERMANY SO FUCKING BRUTAL? (postscript)

 IQ Subtraction, Listmania, Metal News  No Responses »
Dec 192009
 

wacken10smallVans WarpedYesterday, NCS Co-Author IntoTheDarkness posted a piece on the brutality of German extreme metal bands. In an episode of synchronicity, this morning I saw three news updates about festivals scheduled for 2010 — one in the U.S. and two in Germany. And the comparison speaks volumes. On the one hand, we have the 2010 Vans Warped Tour spreading across the US next summer like a brain-sucking plague. On that tour, you’ll have the opportunity to see such stupifyingly awful bands as Attack! Attack!, Breathe Carolina, and Eyes Set to Kill. There are a few saving graces on the tour — Parkway Drive, Suicide Silence, and Whitechapel. But suffering through the rest of the 67-band lineup for the opportunity to see those dudes would be worse than a garden-hose colonoscopy without anesthesia.

SUMMER_BREEZE_2010On the other hand, next year in Germany we’ll have the latest installments of (a) the Summer Breeze festival scheduled for August 19-21 in Dinkelsbühl; and (b) the Wacken Open Air festival scheduled for August 5-7 in (where else) Wacken, Germany. At Summer Breeze, you could see the likes of Asphyx, Barren Earth, Behemoth, Dark Tranquillity, Despised Icon, Dying Fetus, Hypocrisy, Necrophagist, Obituary, Sepultura, Swallow the Sun, The Crown, and Maroon. And Wacken Open Air will feature bands such as Amorphis, Arch Enemy, Caliban, Immortal, Iron Maiden, and Slayer.

What’s really mind-blowing about the contrast is that those German festivals, each spread over just a few days in a single location, will draw tens of thousands (e.g., 70,000 tickets were sold for the 2009 edition of Wacken Open Air more than 200 days in advance). To get that kind of attendance in the U.S. for metal, you apparently need to have a line-up of largely craptastic bands and a schedule of about 40 dates in 40 cities.

To be fair, the German festivals draw crowds from all over Europe, and the U.S. does have some legitimately extreme festivals that are drawing headbangers in increasing numbers (the Maryland Deathfest, now in its 8th year, comes to mind most prominently). But still, so far, it’s no contest.

For full lists of the bands scheduled to date for these 3 tours, continue reading after the jump.

Continue reading »

You know you’re a scenester if…

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Nov 222009
 

I am not a fan of scenesters. It’s more than just that I think the style resembles care bears on acid, it’s the attitude that seems to go hand-in-hand with the style. I try to remain open-minded and not to base judgments on appearances, but I have yet to meet a courteous, chill, scenester kid. I really haven’t. So I started this post in order to vent my frustrations about this group of youngsters, and to convey my confusion about why, why oh why, this style/scene is appealing.

*If anyone could give me a rational explanation for why males in this group insist on looking like the females, I would really appreciate it. This is what I’m confused the most about. Continue reading »

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