MORE DOG SHIT

 IQ Subtraction, RANDOM FUCKING MUSIC  7 Responses »
Feb 112011
 

NCS is going to the dogs today. Within an hour of putting up our first post, which featured dog balls and Bury Your Dead, I saw this awesome video. It was like serendipity. Or synchronicity. I can never remember the difference between those words, though I like both of them. Anyway, I felt like someone was trying to tell me something. Someone was saying, “you shall make NCS all about dogs today”. And I am obeying.

The song on this video is by August Burns Red, a band that all three of your NCS co-founders like a bunch. It’s called “The Eleventh Hour” and it’s on the band’s 2007 album, Messengers. It’s a good song. It would be worth hearing again today even if the video image were just an unchanging black screen. But what goes on in this video is funny as shit to watch. The guy who’s operating the dog’s paws is clearly a drummer (though I don’t think it’s ABR’s Matt Greiner, despite a resemblance) and clearly knows the drum track on this song pretty damned well. And the changing expressions on the dog’s face are priceless (particularly the teeth-baring).

You know he’s a good dog, because although you can see that he’d like to bite the shit out of the dude’s hands, he’s holding back.

P.S. Someone out there is going to be offended by this. I’m pretty soft-hearted when it comes to animals and pretty sensitive when it comes to human abuse of animals, but there’s no real harm done here.

DOG BALLS (THE CURE TO LONELINESS)

 IQ Subtraction, Metal News  10 Responses »
Feb 112011
 

Here at NCS, we cater to all kinds of literary tastes. For example, if you visited us yesterday, you could have read Andy Synn‘s sophisticated, eloquently written, detailed analysis of an entire discography of music created by a great band (Iskald), including a review of the band’s new album. On the other hand, now that I’ve got my claws back on the tiller, the good ship NCS is running aground on the sandbar of this post about . . . dog balls.

Usually, you’d have to threaten rectal impalement to get me to watch a video about a metal band’s recording sessions. You know what I mean — those kinds of videos are usually pretty awful. For me, what counts is the music that comes out at the end of the process, not the process itself or the commentary that usually accompanies the process. I’m just not rabid enough in my fandom to watch every fucking thing that band members say and do just because they’re in a band whose music kicks ass.

But, there are exceptions to every rule, and one of my exceptions is Bury Your Dead. That’s because what happened to that band a couple years ago was the trigger event that caused us to launch this site. For fuck’s sake, the replacement of vocalist Mat Bruso with Myke Terry is what caused us to name this site NO CLEAN SINGING. And if you have no idea what I’m babbling about, read this.

So, you better believe that we’re going to cover the saga of Mat rejoining BYD and the recording of BYD’s next album in excruciating detail — including recording-session videos that begin with images of big hairy dog balls. And that may not even be the worst thing you’ll see in this video (which you can watch after the jump, unless your personal standards have already sent you off to another web site). Continue reading »

WE HAVE A WINNER!

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  2 Responses »
Jan 312011
 

Maybe other people don’t find lorises as amusing as we do. Or maybe other people are happy just to look at lorises without treating them as fodder for “icanhazcheezburger” captions. Or maybe other people would rather we just stick to metal and leave bug-eyed animals to The Discovery Channel.

Whatever the reason, we only got three entries in our latest NCS contest — which was to come up with a suitable caption for that loris image up above that our buddy Phro sent us all the way from his fortified outpost in Japan.

Phro graciously consented to judge the entries and pick a winner, which he has now done. After the jump, Phro names the winner and explains his choice, we reveal our prizes for the lucky dude, and we add the winning caption to the photo.  (We do have metal today, in the two posts just below this one, so don’t start throwing things at the computer screen . . .) Continue reading »

CAPTION THAT LORIS!

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  2 Responses »
Jan 252011
 

Well, you can’t say we didn’t warn you, cuz we did. We said in the post below this one that we probably hadn’t completely gotten this lolbandz/lollorisez thing out of our systems yet. And besides, we haven’t run an NCS contest since naming Niek Baboon’s gut-busting burger last September (here).

So, here’s the set-up: After we put up the post earlier today with NCS reader and sometimes contributor Phro‘s lol-speak captions for metal bands and our lol-captions for lorises, Phro found another loris photo he proposed as the official NCS mascot. It’s that very odd image up above. I immediately made a caption for it and added it to the original post, but I didn’t think my caption was that great.

So rather than try to come up with something better, I thought to myself, “Self, what the fuck, let’s let NCS readers suggest the caption!” As a bribe, we’ve got an assortment of new releases laying around in the loris cage and we’re willing to contribute three of those CDs as a prize. We won’t tell you what they are, because you may think they suck. So it will be a surprise — and they’ll be covered in authentic loris shit!. One more thing: Phro will pick the winner.  (contest details after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

LOLlorises/LOLbandz

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  32 Responses »
Jan 252011
 

It don’t take much to get us sidetracked here at NCS. As you know, we’ve got the attention spans of sand fleas on a crowded beach. Case in point:

We wuz crankin away, tryin to get an album review finished, and made the mistake of using lolcat-speak on a post about how you can upload your own image to use with comments on this site. That prompted our buddy Phro to make an lolcat-style caption for a band photo we ran recently in another post. And it prompted ElvisShotJFK to suggest that lollorises would be more NCS-friendly than lolcatz. (That may be a cryptic reference to some of you, so you can go here if you want to see where it came from.)

Anyway, those comments made the dim lightbulbs in our heads flare briefly, and we put aside the album review and got to work on those ideas. Actually, we only got to work on one of them, and for the other, we talked Phro into doing all the work. He created captions for a batch of band photos, most of which we’d run in recent NCS features (except a scary one of Suffocation’s Frank Mullen with a shotgun), and sent us the links for his creations. And we used lolcat-builder to create captions for some loris photos, like the one up above.

After the jump, we’ve got a montage of Phro’s work with band photos interspersed with our loris pics. Is this metal? Probably not. Is it funny? Probably not. Is it now out of our system, so we can go back to writing about music? Probably not. Is it too late to stop us from running this post? Absofuckinglutely.  (subtract IQ points by continuing after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

RICHES FROM HONG KONG AWAIT!

 IQ Subtraction  8 Responses »
Jan 122011
 

Just when I’d given up on the idea that British bureaucrats, orphans, cancer survivors, car crash victims, and apparently long-lost relatives were going to end all money worries by showering me with pre-funded ATM cards, stacks of bundled cash, gold dust, and eye-popping wire transfers, it turns out all I really needed to give up on was a continent. As sources of unearned wealth go, Africa seems to be a fuckin’ zero. (If you’re new here, click the Category link on the right side of this page called IQ SUBTRACTION for previous chapters in this series.)

But Asia! Now, that’s another story — and it’s one that begins today, because I got a new offer. Yes, the dream is alive! I can dust off those moldering plans for the NCS compound — the Lorisarium, the Grolsch vortex fountain, the Cube pool, the robot-operated beer factory, the Fleshgod Apocalypse wing of the NCS palapa — because just a few days ago I got a new lead on money for nothing. I’ve got high hopes for Hong Kong!  I can already see it happening . . . first I’m gonna stack my flow, then I’m gonna stack some mo’, close shop then I do my count . . .

But first things first. Here’s the come-on, followed by my enthusiastic reply:

From: “Mr.Peter Lee”<peterjplee@fastwebmail.it>
Date: January 7, 2011 5:40:47 PM PST
Subject: Response to this letter will be appreciated…
Reply-To: <peterjplee@yahoo.cn>

Good Day To You My Friend.

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship.  (more after the jump . . .)

Continue reading »

RICHES FROM THE IVORY COAST AWAIT! (Chapter 2)

 IQ Subtraction  13 Responses »
Dec 112010
 

We’ll have another installment in our Finland Tribute Week series shortly (hint: it involves sword-bearers), but first, I can’t resist sharing the latest exchange with my new would-be benefactor from The Ivory Coast. Because “resistance is futile” is one of my personal mottos.

Chapter 1 of this latest exchange was just three days ago. It involved an e-mail from a 21-year old orphan named Rose Ture who sought my assistance in saving her from her murderous uncles, bringing her to the U.S. to continue her education, and managing the wise investment of a $7.5 million inheritance (!) from her late parents, who were killed in a car accident.

It took her no time at all  to respond to my reply message (and to send me the photo above). A few things about her response are making me just a tiny, tiny bit suspicious, but she looks honest, doesn’t she? So, I decided to follow up. Here’s her e-mail and my reply.

From: Rose Ture <ture_r21@yahoo.fr>
Date: December 8, 2010 1:26:59 AM PST
To: Islander <islander@nocleansinging.com>
Subject: Greetings From Rose Ture

Greetings From Rose Ture

How are you doing today?

It gave me happiness to read your message ,  As I told you it gave me concern on how to invest the money alone because I don’t have a good knowledge of investment. Beside I want to continue my school immediately I arrive over your country because I want to be a medical doctor in future I stopped my school since the death of my father because no body is taking care of me so please I am in need of your help. I don’t have knowledge of investment and banking system I will like you to understand first that I want you as my guardian to receive the money in your account hence my biological father is dead. I want you to take this transaction as your own business because I will entrusted everything under your care. Continue reading »

RICHES FROM THE IVORY COAST AWAIT! (AND SCOTT DEWAR RAISES HIS DUPLICITOUS HEAD)

 IQ Subtraction  13 Responses »
Dec 082010
 

So, maybe you thought I’d lost interest in all the Africans trying to give me money? Or maybe you thought all those African would-be benefactors had lost interest in me? Maybe you thought I’d shelved my plans for the beer-filled Cube pool, the Grolsch vortex fountain, the Lorisarium filled with delectable slugs, Fleshgod Apocalypse at my personal beck and call, and all the other grand plans for my promised wealth, including at least a $500 contribution to US orphanages?

Well, perish all those thoughts. You haven’t seen more e-mail exchanges with those African philanthropists for the sole reason that I’ve been busy with other important shit, like listening to Finnish metal, venting about Christmas, and generally sitting on my ass day-dreaming.

But it’s time to pick up the thread. (And no, this doesn’t take the place of another installment in Finland Tribute Week — we’ll have that for you in another hour or two.)

Though discouraged by the lack of follow-through from some of the motherfuckers people who contacted me from places like Nigeria, Ghana, Mali, and Burkina Faso, I haven’t given up hope. Surely, the day will come when my dreams of avarice will become glorious reality. In fact, a new opportunity has presented itself, courtesy of a touching e-mail from a young woman in the Ivory Coast (officially known as The Republic of Côte d’Ivoire), a country in West Africa that borders the afore-mentioned nations of Ghana, Mali, and Burkina Faso.

Oh — I also got yet another e-mail from Robert Scott Dewar. You remember him, don’t you? He’s one of those cocksuckers officials at the British High Commission in Abuja, Nigeria, who first led me down the path that I now can’t get off of. If you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, and assuming you care to know, you can read about it here and here. And there’s even more of this nonsense available via the IQ Subtraction category link over on the right side of this page.

So, after the jump, my recent exchange with Ms. Rose Ture, plus my effort, once and finally, to put Mr. Dewar in his proper place (which would be about a yard up the hershey highway of a bull elephant). Continue reading »

RICHES FROM BURKINA FASO AWAIT!

 IQ Subtraction, Off Topic  9 Responses »
Nov 142010
 

Yes, I am not here. Yes, I am on vacation. Yes, I wrote this post before I left. Yes, I scheduled this to appear while I am gone. It is not time-sensitive, because all these people from Nigeria, and Ghana, and Mali, and Burkina Faso are big on talk and short on action. I’m now to the point that I don’t expect an answer to my messages. I don’t even know why I bother writing back to them at all.

The last chapter in my search for riches beyond the dreams of avarice has petered out. For those of you who haven’t been keeping score, that chapter was MALIAN RICHES AWAIT!. Ecobank and The Bank of Africa (Burkina Faso branch) never wrote back. Also, despite the fact that I offered them a very easy way to send me my money via PayPal, that didn’t happen.

I may have made a tactical error in threatening to sic Interpol on their ass for extortion when I wrote them. I think I need to do a better job controlling my temper. I just didn’t realize how sensitive bankers can be. I thought all bankers were a bunch of human-sized reptiles with scaly reptile skin and predatory dispositions and antifreeze for blood. Maybe the ones in Africa are warm-blooded. Maybe their feelings can be hurt after all. I think I need to be more empathetic, more laid back. I need to shine their shoes with my tongue.

Fortunately, just as I was about to shitcan the designs for the Cube Pool, the Lorisarium, and the Grolsch Vortex Fountain and tell the contractors I hired that they would have to chase me down like an animal if they wanted their money, I got a new message from a different bank in Burkina Faso. So I have a chance to put into practice my new tactic of being all sweetness and light.

I’ve always heard that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so I might as well try to drown them in honey. Can’t hurt, right? Putting to one side why you’d want to catch flies in the first place; I’ve never really understood why anyone would want to do that. I’d rather just eat the honey and let the flies go somewhere else.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the latest message from Burkina Faso. That’s after the jump, along with my heart-felt reply . . . Continue reading »

METAL IN 2020

 IQ Subtraction  6 Responses »
Nov 112010
 

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s guest post is by ElvisShotJFK, one of our most faithful and interesting commentators. And this post, in our humble opinion, is just outright far-sighted. Seriously. Stay with it to the end. And if you’re not familiar with the Cube reference, go here.]

So, a while back, I was on my way to work, as I do several times a week. Nothing unusual about that, but I took a different route, having gone to the store beforehand. As I was walking along, I saw a peculiar sight and crossed the street to get a better look. To my surprise, it was a large cube in someone’s front yard. But it wasn’t any ordinary cube, although cubes on the grass aren’t exactly an everyday sight.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen… it was the Cube.

But why was it there? It had taken out a garden gnome, rather violently in fact. Cubes are good for that. I think the pink flamingos must have called in a hit on the smiling, bearded bastard or something. I took a picture of the grisly scene, but that picture is/was on a dead hard drive from a now dead computer. I wonder if simply having a picture of the Cube caused my computer to go berserk?

Anyway, after taking a few pictures, I suddenly had the urge to reach out and touch the Cube. Common sense should have told me not to do so, but it’s the Cube, for Cube’s sake! I blacked out for a while. When I came to, I found myself in different surroundings, but that wasn’t all. I had been transported ten years into the future.

No, the world doesn’t come to an end at the end of 2012. Sorry. In protest, misanthropic metalheads burned copies of Judas Priest’s Nostradamus because ‘that old, dead French guy got it wrong’. Of course, a lot of other people were upset, except the suicide cults, who weren’t around to be pissed about it.

Peer into the future, after the jump. . . Continue reading »

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